Remembering To Breathe
by SomedayWe'llKnow
Summary: Pom Poms and Gummy Bears sequel.
1. Chapter 1

**I own no part of SON**

**Peace and love**

**xoxo**

May 2010

"_Ugh two finals down, one to go."_

_I rubbed my fingers against my forehead and released a deep sigh. Familiar hands started rubbing my shoulders as I let my head loll to the side. _

"_Which one do you have left?" _

_Her voice was still rough with sleep from the nap I had interrupted her from. _

"_Advanced writing and it's going to be a pain in the ass. I've barely studied and it is in the morning really early."_

_Long arms reached around me and hugged me from behind as she kissed my cheek. I pulled her down on the couch so I could face her and looked deep in her eyes. I could see her love for me radiating through her gaze and I almost felt the same but her eyes were the wrong color. Her eyes were always the wrong color. _

_When I looked at her sometimes all I could see was the past, our lives before growing up and it was hard to get past it. _

"_I'm sure you'll do well, you always do. Then we can get started on summer vacation."_

_Jill's grey eyes danced with mischief and I grinned back with enthusiasm. I really did care for her. I kissed her sweetly and smiled when she sighed into the kiss. My phone buzzed from the table by the couch and one glance at the name made me smile. _

"_Hold on baby lemme take this call. Hello, Kyla?" _

_A squeal from the other end confirmed the presence of the younger Davies sister. _

"_Spencer! Oh my goodness it is so good to hear your voice, but totally not in a creepy way! Ah I have news too…"_

_My heart stopped in my chest because I knew that any news she had for me was about Ashley. _

"_Kyla, is she ok? She's not like…" I wanted to say dead, "hurt is she?"_

_I hadn't seen Ashley since graduation night but I had heard what she had done with her life. Apparently she had nothing to stay for so she joined the Army. Ash got shipped out about a year ago. I have several unopened letters from her stashed in folder behind my microwave; Jill didn't know about them. _

"_No, no, no…Spence, she's ok. Ash will be on leave in two weeks! She's coming home!"_

_A deep feeling of relief swept through my body and once again I was amazed at how I still reacted to her after almost three years. _

"_Wow Ky that's amazing! Is she coming here to New York or back to L.A?" _

_By now Jillian had caught on to the conversation topic and was bouncing off the walls with excitement. _

"_MAKE HER COME HERE! MAKE HER COME HERE! AHHHHHH!" _

_Jill's yells disappeared down the tiny hall of my apartment and I rolled my eyes at her childish behavior. If I was honest with myself I was having the same reaction internally. _

"_She'll come to New York. Spencer I'm worried about how all of this will go." _

"_Why? Because I haven't answered, let alone read, her dozens of letters? Or because I'm dating her best friend slash ex-girlfriend? Or because I sent back everything she ever gave me?" _

_The desperation in my voice was clear. _

"_All of the above."_

_She sounded so worried that it made my excitement of seeing Ashley dissipate. Maybe Ashley didn't want to see me and maybe she hated my guts. We broke up over three years ago but she might hold a grudge. Plus I was dating her best friend and Jill hadn't told her about us yet. _

"_Kyla, let's not worry about all of that. Honestly I'm just excited to see her again. I've missed her, she was my best friend."_

"_I'm sure she's anxious to see you too." _

_The use of 'anxious' instead of 'excited' did not go unnoticed by me. We gossiped for ten more minutes or so and Kyla gave me the details of Ashley's arrival before we said goodbye and hung up. _

"_So, uh how do you feel about Ashley coming back?" _

_Jillian was perched at the kitchen counter and as confident as she looked her voice quavered slightly at the mention of Ash's name. _

"_I guess I'm excited. I haven't seen her since high school."_

_I always knew that Jill was scared of the day Ashley came back. Jill thought I would leave her for my former girlfriend. _

"_Yeah, yeah I'm excited too. Kind of nervous though. Spence, do you think she'll be mad about us?" _

_I ran a hand through my hair in frustration and squinted out the window. _

"_I honestly have no idea. We've been dating six months so it's not like we hooked up right after Ashley and I broke up. I imagine she'll be surprised but maybe she'll be happy for us too. There's no way she still has feelings for me." _

_Now I had outright lied to Jillian. The consistent stream of letters from the Middle East told me that Ashley did in fact still have some feelings for me._

"_Hmm well I'm having some feelings for you right now…" _

_Her beautiful eyes narrowed and a glint I knew all too well appeared before she pounced at me from across the couch. I dove to the floor and scrambled to my feet. _

"_HA! Missed me." _

_I grinned mischievously and darted down the hall. This was a familiar game of chase and it always ended with her tackling me onto my bed. Tonight was no different and I let Jill catch me at the foot of my bed. _

"_Gotcha Spence." _

_She kissed me deeply and I tried to shake the images of Ashley out of my head. I blamed my thoughts on Ashley's homecoming the next night but once again I was lying. _

_X X X X X X X X X X X_

_Jill's hand was warm in mine as we walked towards Kyla's apartment. The younger Davies sister lived only five blocks from me and it was a warm night so a walk seemed the perfect way to stall seeing Ashley. _

_My girlfriend whistled as she walked and she even had a slight bounce in her step tonight. She must really be excited about seeing Ashley. I knew the two of them had been corresponding since Ash got shipped overseas. _

"_Ready?" _

_Before I knew it we were standing in front of Ky's door and Jill gave my hand a reassuring squeeze before buzzing the apartment. I counted in my head to calm myself down. There were twenty-one seconds from the time Jill buzzed to the time Glen opened the door. _

"_Hey baby sis! Jillian always a pleasure." _

_He gave a goofy bow to try and relieve the tension but it only made me force out a nervous chuckle. I kissed his cheek and glanced nervously over his shoulder. Where was she? _

"_Hi Glen. How's everything going?" _

_My voice sounded hollow in my head and my palms had started to sweat. Damnit, I felt like an idiot already! _

"_She's on the back balcony guys."_

_Glen smiled softly before patting my head and dragging Jillian off somewhere. I knew what he was doing; he was giving me time to reunite with Ashley without Jill there. _

_Thirty two steps to the back porch, three seconds to open the sliding glass door, and a heartbeat for Ashley to notice me. _

_She looked exactly the same but different too. Her hair was the same color but a little shorter and it still had an unruly curl to it. She seemed taller almost and definitely more in shape, holy shit she was in shape. _

_The wild look she used to have in her eyes was gone and replaced with something I had never seen in her eyes before. She had hope shining through those chocolate orbs. But her smile was the same; all nose crinkling and bright. It stopped me in my tracks, made my breath catch in my throat._

_My legs wouldn't move me closer to her and I watched impatiently while she excused herself from her current conversation to greet me. Ashley moved slowly but with a definite purpose and no one dared stop her from reaching me. _

"_Spencer Carlin." _

"_Ashley Davies." _

_I noticed her studying me and not just my face. She studied every inch of me and my body tingled wherever her piercing eyes landed. Three years had changed us both into people we never knew we'd be. _

_All of a sudden my hand was cupping her face. When had I become so bold? Her eyes closed at the contact and I relished the feeling of her skin once again under my hands. _

_I dropped my arms to my sides and once again found myself staring into her deep gaze. Had she always been this captivating? _

"_You look good."_

_It was a phrase that could have been said sleazy but it was the simplest of compliments coming out of her mouth._

"_Thanks," it came out in a rushed breath, "you too Ashley."_

_Ashley smiled again, my heart sped up, and she stared at me with an intensity I had never seen her possess. _

"_Spencer there's so much I want to say to you, so much I need you to understand…"_

_Before I even had a chance to speak my current tackled my ex-girlfriend from behind, sending them sprawling across the crowded porch. When did all of these people get here? Had they been standing here the whole time? _

_I walked quietly inside and sat down on the couch where I patiently awaited the rest of my alone time with Ashley. Three hours passed, my girlfriend passed out, and Ashley was finally standing alone on the back balcony. Her eyes followed me as I walked from the couch to where she seemed to be waiting for me. The smile I received made me feel like I was the source of all her happiness. _

"_I've been dying to finish talking to you all night." _

_Her bluntness caught me off guard and all I could do was nod in response. _

"_Spence, it's just I've thought about you every day since graduation. I know it sound bizarre…"_

"_No, no it doesn't Ashley."_

_She smiled in appreciation but then ran a frustrated hand through her hair. It seemed the adolescent Ashley was making an appearance. It made me smile. _

_But all of a sudden she faced me and gave me a quirked eyebrow. It made me weak in the knees. _

"_So you and Jill huh?" _

_Enter panic mode. _

"_Well yeah but Ashley I swear it never happened…it took years before…we just started…"_

"_Spencer, take a breath," her hand came to rest on my shoulder, "its ok. She's smitten with you." _

_Another nervous smile and I became very aware of her hand still touching me. _

"_Yeah I like her a lot too." _

_She took several steps away from me and I cursed myself for missing her touch. _

"_I go back soon." _

_The statement hung in the air, teasing me to approach. _

"_Yeah…" _

_Great Spencer, real responsive. _

"_Spencer the thing is," she took a deep breath and then was instantly standing in my space, "I miss you. I tried to stop thinking about you but I can't Spence. Tell me you feel the same? I need a reason to come back. Spencer I was a stupid kid. I-I never should have ch-" _

_And then I was kissing her. Slow and deep and filled with emotions I refused to acknowledge. I was eighteen again and lost in being with her. I broke away but not before kissing her cheek. _

_Before she could say anything else to me I basically ran away from her. I stumbled inside, gathered Jill, and walked back to my apartment. But before I rushed out of the door I chanced a glance over my shoulder. _

_Ashley's steady gaze met mine and it sent a jolt through my body. _

_I hated reunion parties. _

**Sorry this took so long. I'll try harder to get these out quicker. Thanks for everything!**


	2. Chapter 2

**I own no part of SON**

**Wow the responses about Spence and Jill…damn. Haha. **

**Peace and love to all!**

**xoxo**

July 2011 (Present Day)

The photograph is faded. All the colors sort of blend together and the lines have blurred but the memory of that day is fresh in my mind. The smirk on her face is familiar and the grin on my face seems to have disappeared these days. It was happier times at the naïve age of eighteen.

Days seem to mix together and it's been like this for two months. That's about sixty days of tears, guilt, and heartache. I'm not stupid enough to think I'm the only one hurting in this situation. Jill hasn't even been sober for more than two straight days.

I can still remember the last time I talked to her…

_May 2010_

"_Well, these past few days have been fun. Thanks for hanging out with me Spencer." _

_The gates of the airport loomed behind us and the roar of the airplanes drowned out most of the noise around us. _

"_Sure." _

_We stood there awkwardly for a few more seconds before she gave me a small smile. My heart started racing as I watched her pick up her bags and head towards the plane. Panic was consuming me and I had a sudden urge to stop her from leaving. _

"_Wait Ashley!"_

_She stopped in her tracks but didn't turn around. I raced to her and spun her around by her shoulders. With tears in my eyes I hugged her goodbye. No words were said between us after that. _

_My body felt almost chilled after we stopped hugging and I watched through a haze of tears as she disappeared amongst the other travelers. _

Present Day

Memories will not stop playing in my head. Everything about her is bubbling to the surface, almost as if my brain is afraid I'll forget. I glance at the clock and realize that I'm already late to work.

"Shit."

I grab my purse off the couch and take off. The quaint art gallery is ten blocks from my apartment but I still end up being almost thirty minutes late.

The damn bell jingles as I try to sneak through the door and I inwardly curse the contraption.

"Spencer, Marie wants to see you in her office. Pronto."

The secretary doesn't even look at me as I walk past, she just continues flipping the pages of her magazine. It's a black door into Marie's office. If it's supposed to look intimidating it works.

A commanding "come in" is spoken before I can even knock. How does she know I'm out here?

Her office surprises me, just like it always does, by the cheeriness it exudes.

"Spencer darling, you are late…again."

"Marie I kn-"

"Shh sweetie. I know you just recently lost a close friend and I understand it has been hard for you but I need to know you can still do your job."

Ashley wasn't just a friend…

"Right and I can, promise. I'm really feeling better and I do need this job."

My tiny, blonde boss gives me a once over before nodding and waving me away. Outside of the black door I take a deep, steadying breath. It's hard for me to have anyone bring up Ashley. It still hurts so damn much…

_April 2011_

_I woke up and just felt weird. Something was wrong but I couldn't put a finger on it. The clock beside me read 5am. I didn't have to be out of bed until at least eight. I swung my legs over the bed and was met with the cold floor. _

_Two hours of pacing and aimless wandering did not make me feel any better. The sound of knocking at my door made an unknown wave of dread rush through my body. _

_The look on his face told me everything. I didn't cry. I thought I would and I had even prepared myself for this moment. _

_Her convoy got attacked. Can't find any survivors. She was MIA, probably dead. No one knew for sure. _

_Glen took me to his place with Kyla. I couldn't believe it was true. I kept waiting to wake up from the nightmare. _

Present Day

Home once more and I have managed to survive another day. I open my door and there is dinner on the table. What the hell?

"Glen? Why are yo- oh Jill…"

I am shocked to see a sober Jill standing in my kitchen.

"Hey Spence," she sounds so unsure of herself, "I'm sorry for how I've been acting. It's a hard loss for me to swallow and I know it hasn't been easy on you either. I feel like we should do what we can to move on."

The words spoken out loud are like a punch to the gut. "Move on", am I ready to? What if I forget her?

I give Jill a smile and accept a quick kiss from her. She hugs me as I cry softly into her shoulder.

"Ok, let's pull our lives back together. She'd want that." My voice isn't as sure as I would like it to be but it'll have to do.

Jill nods in agreement.

We spend the night laughing, something I don't think I've done in months. Jill's smile is back and I realize how much I've missed it.

It's a little past midnight and the only light into my living room is from the full moon and the vanilla candle by the tv.

"I had a really great time tonight," I whisper, staring into Jill's eyes, "thanks for doing this."

She gives me a kiss to the forehead and we stayed tangled together on the couch.

"Spencer…"

My eyes are drooping closed and I am fighting to stay awake.

"Hmm yeah Jill?"

"I love you."

And just like that I am wide awake. The only thing I can hear is the rushing of blood in my ears. When I look at Jill she's giving me this adorable sheepish smile and it calms me down.

"Jill, I don't want to just say it back because I'm supposed to or it's what I think you want to hear. I want to say it and really mean it, the words need to surprise you and knock you completely off balance. That's what you deserve."

The grin she gives me is brilliant and her kiss is comforting. It's slow, deep, and filled with a passion I've never felt from her. In a single kiss I can feel that she really does love me.

I had forgotten how good it felt to be loved.

Suddenly her kisses are more urgent and I'm pushed deep into the couch cushions. A ringing disrupts the sounds of moans and sighs and I break away from her kiss to reach for the phone.

"No," she kisses my neck, "leave it."

And for once I do because my girlfriend loves me and I've missed her. But the message soon has us both wide eyed and in total disbelief.

_Spencer. They found her…alive. Call me. _

**I know its short and a HUGE cliffhanger but I'm going to wake up and write more. Thanks for everything. You guys are amazing. **


	3. Chapter 3

**I own no part of SON**

**Peace and love to all! **

**Xoxo**

_Spencer. They found her…alive. Call me._

_Spencer. They found her…alive. Call me._

_Spencer. They found her…alive. Call me._

_Spencer. They found her…alive. Call me._

_Spencer. They found her…alive. Call me._

We've played the message fives times and I still don't think this is real. I'm dreaming and I know I am because I have had this exact dream dozens of times.

"I think we should call your brother. Spencer…you ok?"

Jill's hand gently brushes my cheek and she's looking at me with uncertain eyes.

"But she's been, she…they told us…I was just starting to recover."

I'm off the couch and pacing across my small living room. All of a sudden I'm crying. Not those sexy tears that come slowly and in a pretty little trail. No, no I'm crying those fat, grotesque tears with the runny nose and everything. It's disgusting really.

The look Jill is giving me is clear, 'what in the hell is wrong with you?'

"Oh god, sorry. I think these are happy tears…" I manage some words between tears.

"Spencer," she speaks slowly to me, like a child, "call Glen."

Her eyes are sad as she hands me the phone. Why is she sad?

"Jill," I grab her wrist, "you ok?"

She kisses me gently before nodding. The phone feels bricklike in my hand and for reasons I do not completely understand I'm afraid to call. Ashley is alive. But what if she really isn't? Maybe I'm imagining all of this.

I turn to seek comfort from Jill but she's somehow disappeared without my noticing. A deep steadying breath seems to calm me down and I dial Glen's cell.

"Spencer!"

He picks up on the first ring.

"Glen…where is she?"

"We're at the NYU Medical Center. I'll tell Kyla you guys are on your way."

He hangs up without another word. I go to my room to change and find my girlfriend staring at a picture. Just the sight of her all lanky and folded awkwardly around herself makes me smile and feel better.

"Whatcha looking at?" I whisper against her cheek as I curl myself around her.

"I'm glad she's ok, but I'm afraid at the same time."

I tilt my head in confusion until I see the picture Jill is studying. It's the faded picture of Ashley and I with all the love of the world shining in our eyes.

"Jill," my hand tangles with hers, "I'm here with you and its right where I want to be, ok?" she nods, "alright let's go see Ash."

X X X X X X X X X X

Everyone is at the hospital. Well when I say everyone I mean Kyla and Glen. The customary hugs are distributed before we discuss why we are all at the hospital.

"Ok you two I should probably tell you what happened to her so you aren't shocked when you see her."

The worry in Glen's voice makes my knees buckle and I'm thankful there's a chair behind me. Jill sits on my lap and I wrap my arms around her, holding onto her as if she'll keep me afloat.

"Her convoy was blown up but she survived. Well the enemies checked the wreckage and found her. They took her. She was tortured, bad," tears are streaming down my face as I listen, "They didn't take care of her initial wounds from the explosion so she has some nasty looking scrapes and cuts. Her knee was shattered, she has burns, and had a few broken ribs. Ashley also lost a lot of weight. That's the jist of it, just so you're semi prepared."

I notice Kyla is crying again, so is Jill. I pull Jill off the chair and towards the hall where Ashley's room is. The door is closed but when I peer through the small window I see the end of her bed. Right as Jill goes to open the door I stop her.

"What Spencer?"

"Do you mind if I go in for a minute," I bite my lip in hesitation, "alone?"

I watch Jill think this over for a few seconds before releasing a deep breath.

"Sure babe. I'll go get us some coffee." An easy smile and a quick kiss come from the brunette before she walks away. I wait outside Ashley's door until I can no longer hear the clicking of Jill's shoes on the cold linoleum floor.

The door opens easily and I take great care in making sure it closes quietly behind me. Imagine stepping into a vacuum, that's how I felt entering Ashley's room. No sound exists and for a moment time stops when I see her.

A sharp gasp escapes me and tears I promised I wouldn't cry trail down my face. The person lying on the sterile bed is someone I have never seen before. Ashley's face is sunken in; there are numerous marks on her face, and bruises just about everywhere.

"Oh my poor Ashley." I murmur the words as I sit in the single chair placed by her bed. Even through all the obviously painful things she's been through, she looks peaceful in her slumber. I was told she'd been given medicines to help her sleep for as long as possible.

The right side of her body appears particularly beat up. That knee has one of those halo contraptions on it and that arm is in a sling.

Her hand weighs nothing in mine and I am afraid it might shatter in my grasp.

"Damn," I jump at Jill's voice, "this is way worse then I thought."

My girlfriend's shaky hand squeezes my shoulder. She's looking for me to steady her so I place my free hand over hers.

"She'll be ok," I say the words to comfort myself more than Jill, "she's home now. She'll be just fine."

It takes only ten minutes of silence before Jill gives me a peck on the cheek and excuses herself from the claustrophobic hospital room. Looking at the broken version of Ashley before makes my chest ache and for a moment I let my thoughts drift to a different reality.

What if Ashley had never cheated? More importantly what if I had forgiven her? Would she have even gone into the army? What if Ashley had never left Ohio? In any of these situations I can see us together again; most likely happy and in love. I smile and then bring myself back to reality.

"I'll be seeing you Ash." I kiss her forehead and make a hasty exit from the room.

Outside the room I can breathe easier and I feel guilty for being glad to be out of the depressing room.

I notice Jill leaning against the wall a few feet down so I prop myself up next to her.

"Want to stay at my place tonight?" I ask gently when I notice the silent tears falling from her eyes.

Her hand fits nicely in mine as we leave the hospital and we are evenly paced in our walking. Every few steps she sways into me and I can't tell if it is an accident or a comfort thing.

The truth is I don't mind and the small contact makes me feel good.

**Sorry this is another short one but the chapters will get more dense and complex once Ashley really enters the picture. **

**Thanks to everyone. My followers and reviewers amaze me. This is all for you. And for those of you who are waiting for My Paradise to be finished, I am working on it I promise. Wrote more of it tonight. Please be patient with me. **


	4. Chapter 4

**I own no part of SON**

**Peace and love to all! **

**xoxo**

"And this here is done by a new artist. I believe this is a blend of cubism and classical watercolors."

I point out some features of the painting to this very handsome, very rich looking young man before I feel a tap on my shoulder.

"Ms. Carlin, your brother is on line one."

The secretary waltzes away and I excuse myself from the customer to answer Glen's call.

"What Glen? You know I'm busy at work."

I growl into the phone and smile at the man who glances back at me.

"Spence, I need a favor."

"No."

"Spencer this is serious." His voice does have an edge to it so I let him continue, "I have to be at the station in twenty minutes and Kyla is at the magazine all day. You're off at three right?"

There's a scuff on the floor where I'm standing and I try to rub it out with the toe of my shoe.

"Yes, what do you need?" Silence, "Glen, what do you need?"

"Well, we need you to come by our place and be with Ashley while she has physical therapy. Please Spencer, you are the only one who is free at the time and we don't want her to have to be there by herself. Plus I'm sure she'd like to see you."

See here is where things get tricky. I haven't seen Ashley since that first time I saw her in the hospital. It has been about two weeks since then.

Am I avoiding her?

Yes, absolutely.

Does she probably resent me?

I would if I were in her shoes.

"Fine Glen. I'll go by your place tonight. Now I have to go."

After I hang up I walk back to my waiting customer and give him my most apologetic smile.

"So sorry sir."

"Carlin…As in Spencer?" His smile seems familiar, like a hazy dream.

Of course this takes me aback, "Uh yes. I'm sorry do I know you from somewhere?"

His laugh rings through the gallery and it makes me smile.

"Spencer, it's me…Aiden."

And just like that I am floored. His green eyes really should have been what I recognized, they are exactly the same. The once short cropped hair is shaggy and there's scruff covering his cheeks.

"Oh my goodness!"

I give him a big squeeze and notice up close just how expensive his outfit is, it's Armani.

"Aiden, what are you doing in New York?"

"Oh I'm just passing through," he wraps an arm around my shoulders as we stroll around the gallery, "I'm actually living in Maine but I heard rave reviews about this gallery. Now I see why."

A wink is thrown my way and I'm pretty sure I blush.

"Oh wow. It looks like you're really successful. What's your job?"

A deep sigh escapes him, "I'm in advertising. I hate it."

I can't help but laugh and it makes him grin.

"So Spence, sounds like Glen is here. Who else and what are they up to?"

We halt out walk in front of my favorite piece. It's the NYC skyline sketched with pencil and shaded.

"Glen's a sports caster for ESPN here, Kyla is editor at Cosmo, Jillian Adams does free lance photography, and I'm here."

I purposely leave out Ashley.

"So if you guys are all here, where's Ashley?"

Crap, he noticed.

How do I even begin to tell him about her? Like he really cares…but he's looking at me with this intent, curious stare that knocks me back.

"Uh she's coming off surgery."

He must notice the desperate look in my eyes and how much I do not want to talk about it.

"I'll take this one."

He points to the skyline piece and I smile in approval.

"You have good taste."

"Thanks. Can you have it shipped to this address?" He hands me a business card with a Maine address.

I notice the absence of a wedding band on his finger.

"Sure thing." I walk him to the door and smile up at him again, "Damn Aiden, it was really good to see you."

All he does is nod before strolling out into the bright New York street. I cannot believe he was here. How weird. My eyes dart to the clock and I realize I need to be at Glen's in ten minutes.

Shit.

X X X X X X X X X X

So here I am standing outside Glen's place and I can't decide if I should knock or use my key and just let myself in? If I let myself in will she be pissed? Can she even really move to answer the door?

I finally settle on a combination effect, I knock as I use my key.

"Hello? Ashley?"

My only greeting is silence. The apartment is a perfect blend of Kyla and Glen. The colors are bold and inviting, there are timeless art pieces, and iconic sports images hanging from the walls. The narrow hallway opens into a spacious living room connected right to a kitchen. Still no signs of Ashley.

I know there are two bedrooms and a bathroom in the hall to the left.

"Ashley?"

My call, once again, goes unanswered. So now I must venture down the dark hallway in search of my ex-girlfriend/girl that probably hates my guts. I poke my head in the master bedroom and there is no sign of her.

My heart is pounding as I push open the door of the guest bedroom. It instantly sinks at the scene in the bedroom. Ashley is desperately trying to lift herself off the floor into her wheelchair. Her efforts are getting her nowhere and she falls repeatedly.

"Damnit Ashley, I'll help."

I rush to her side thinking I'm being a good friend.

"No fuck off." Her words are dripping with venom and she shoves me, "I've got this."

Her leg that had the halo on it is now bound in casting so it is very clear she can't do much.

"Don't be stubborn let me help."

I go to grab her again and this time she looks at me. I'm shocked by her appearance; honestly she still locks awful. Her cheekbones are protruding and the cuts on her face didn't heal right, the edges have a purple tint to them.  
What shocks me the most is her eyes. They have lost all the softness, all the hope. I see only cold hatred.

"Spencer. Don't touch me."

My hands are still on her arms and I can feel her muscles tense under my grasp. Our staring contest last seconds but it feels like longer.

"Fine," I take several steps back, "I came here with nothing but good intentions but you're being unreasonable."

Ashley's upper lip curls back in a growl and I watch with amazement as she somehow scrambles into her chair.

"See," she wheels to where I am standing, "I don't need you."

The double meaning behind her words doesn't go unnoticed and she does nothing to hide her contempt for me. I knew she might be angry at me but I didn't know it'd be this bad.

"Ok," I whisper and do my best to fight back the tears, "the therapist will be here soon. I'll be in the master bedroom if you need me."

The giant bed feels heavenly as I sink into the middle of it. My head aches from the stress of dealing with a hate filled Ashley. I understand she went through a lot but I have no idea why she's so damn angry at me specifically.

An hour passes and I hear the therapist leave. I take a deep breath to steady myself and cautiously creep back into the living room. She's in her wheelchair facing the back window. Her back in perfectly straight and with her hair pulled back I can see a trickle of sweat running down her neck.

"I prayed that I would die."

Her words snap me to attention. How did she know I was standing here?

"Uh what?"

"Every day I was captive I wished for death. Even now it would be easier. I realized over there that this is the hard part, being alive and feeling everything."

Listening to her is chilling and I shiver underneath my heavy coat.

"Ashley," I crouch next to her chair, "it's ok now. You're home." I place my hand over hers.

Her gaze meets mine and I see so much pain. I can't imagine the hell she went through. I squeeze her hand, a silent plea to let me in but she turns back away.

"You should go."

"Well can I do anything for you before I leave?" I really don't want to leave her yet.

Those chocolate pools land on me again and she opens her mouth to say something before thinking better of it and shaking her head.

I get to my feet and take a few steps away before turning back and kissing the top of her head.

"I'm here, when you're ready I'm here."

I don't wait for an answer, just hurry out the door and into the brisk New York air. Outside it is easier to breathe and I can feel old feelings bubbling to the surface. With an angry shake of the head I bury the old and trudge home towards the new.

**Sorry these are taking so long. Not quite sure how I feel about this. It was difficult for me to write. I wasn't ever 100% sure which way to go with Ashley's reactions to coming home. **

**Please enjoy and thanks for everything. **


	5. Chapter 5

**I own no part of SON**

**Well there have been some good and bad responses to this story. I very much appreciate those of you who have stuck with me. I promise, you guys will be rewarded. **

**Peace and love to all! **

**Xoxo**

It's been six days since I went over to help Ashley with physical therapy. That's six days of not talking to Jill and six days of thinking about Ashley. I forgave her a long time ago and I've just recently realized that. We were in high school and both young. The truth is back then we fell in love too fast, I see that now.

Tomorrow Ashley has PT again and once more I've been asked to go over to help. And once more I said yes. A part of me is justifying spending time with her by claiming to just be a good friend but a different part of me just needs to be near her.

The envelopes are scattered in front of me all over the living room floor. There must be at least sixty letters here. I didn't keep them in order and I can't remember when I made the decision to read one. I twirl the stem of a wine glass in my hand, taking slow sips of the red liquid every few minutes. I need the burn in my body.

There's one envelope that has the most damage to it. The off-white catches my eye and I snatch it off the floor. As I slowly tear open the envelope I know this is it, no turning back now. The only sound in my dark apartment is my deep, erratic breathing…

_Spencer, _

_I cannot put into words how beautiful the sunrise is here. The sunlight is full of purples, oranges, and reds; it is like nothing else I've ever seen. It seems odd to be that such beauty can exist among such evil. This beautiful sunrise gives me hope and strength. What we are doing here is good. Another friend of mine died yesterday. He stepped on a landmine while playing soccer. I saw the whole thing happen. He was smiling before he died. _

_I think about you every day. I think of our kiss. It makes me smile knowing you were the one that grabbed me. How often I had thought about our reunion but never imagined it like that! It was a nice surprise. _

_Don't feel guilty about it. I know you are with Jill and I think you guys are good together. But remember I will always love you. I look back at our time together with happiness and nothing but fondness. _

_You should know I keep a picture of us in my helmet. Your memory gives me the strength to survive despite all the death around me. _

_You are my reason._

_Love always, _

_Ash xx_

The letter falls from my hands as I sit in shock. The constant stream of letters told me some part of her still cared but I never knew how much. As I sit there with a glass of wine in my hand I realize something. The broken woman living in my brother's apartment still holds a piece of my heart. It was a piece I never got back.

Then the worst realization hits me…I don't love Jill and I never will. I'll have to end things with her but I know better than to jump into Ashley's arms.

The beautiful brunette probably doesn't want anything to do with me and I just can't let her in again. I'll make my peace with Ash and then I can move on. This new plan rejuvenates me and I feel like this is the right course of action. In fact Ash and I were friends first and there is just no reason we can't be friends again.

Of course things are never that simple…

X X X X X X X X X X X

This time I just let myself into the apartment without knocking. Honestly I don't care if it bothers Ashley that I let myself in, I've had a shitty day. She's parked in her usual spot in front of the window and I don't even say hello as I storm into the kitchen. I really don't feel like fighting with her today.

"Hello."

The greeting scares me as I'm rifling through the fridge and when I jump I rap my head against the shelf.

"Shit," I mutter under my breath as I turn around, "hey Ashley. The therapist will be here soon so I'll retreat to the master."

She nods as she stares at me before she talks again, "Are you ok?"

Her question startles me.

"Seriously," I sigh as I plop down in a kitchen chair, "I should be asking _you _that."

A slow smile creeps across her face, "Spencer, obviously I'm not ok so why would you ask me that?"

Right as I go to apologize for basically everything the door buzzes and she wheels away to answer the door. I spend the next hour watching bad reality television.

When I hear the therapist leave I sigh, gather myself off the bed, and venture back into the living room.

I panic when I walk into the living room and see an empty chair. The book and papers that were in my hands fall to the floor. As I walk around the couch I see Ashley sprawled on the floor, spread eagle with her ipod in place. I release the breath I was holding and try to steady my thumping heart.

I give her a gentle nudge with my foot but immediately regret that decision when she reacts poorly. Ashley's whole body jumps and her eyes shoot open. The pure terror on her face is clear.

"Oh shit Ashley…"

"Why the hell would you do that?" the anger on her face is clear, "get out."

When I hesitate to leave it only makes her scream louder at me.

"I SAID LEAVE! GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!"

I gather my things as fast as I can and sprint out of the apartment, tears running down my face. My feet don't stop running until I collapse inside my own apartment and I'm shaken to my very core. The rapid beating of my heart steadies to a slower rhythm and it finally hits me how serious this all is.

Ashley is seriously in bad shape. Right as I go to reach for my phone there's a buzz for my door. Who the hell is that?

"Um hello?"

"Spencer its me, let me up."

My girlfriend sounds pissed, awesome. It takes only seconds for her to come barging into my apartment.

"Jesus Spencer where have you been all day? I've been calling and texting but you haven't answered…do you know how worried I've been?" She whirls around to face me as I drink my beer, "do you even care that I've been so worried?"

Right now I can't even take this shit from her.

"Jill, I've had a rough day ok? So please just chill out."

"Seriously," she stares at me with disbelief, "I'm sick of doing this. I seem to care about our relationship so much more than you."

I shrug and walk across my small apartment then watch as some sort of light bulb goes off in her head.

"Its Ashley isn't it?" Her face drops and she looks defeated, "You want her, not me."

Now this just isn't the case…honestly I don't want either of them right now.

"Jill…"

"Where were you today?"

"Jill."

"Spencer answer the damn question." Tears roll down her face.

I sigh before delivering the answer I know will hurt her, "Helping with Ashley."

"Ok," she takes a deep breath before speaking, "I had a job offer that would have me leave for a month. I'm going to take it…"

"Whoa Jill wait just a min-"

"And I think it would be better if we weren't together right now."

My jaw hits the floor because I really didn't see this one coming. I've had my doubts but we were comfortable together, I am very much in 'like' with Jillian.

"Goodbye Spencer."

She kisses my cheek before walking out of my apartment and I'm left standing there feeling only self-loathing.

Today is just not my day.

**Thank you all for everything. I'm still here just trying to keep everything balanced so be patient with me! **

**More Spashley in the next chapter **


	6. Chapter 6

**I own no part of SON**

**Peace and love to all! **

**Xoxo**

Now it is Sunday and I've started to miss silly, simple things about having Jill around. She used to read the paper and leave it all over the apartment, I used to yell at her for it and now I find myself missing the damn newspaper. Jill would let herself into my apartment and start up the coffee before I even got up…now I make my own shitty coffee.

And yes I realize that in all of this I don't mention missing the actual person that is Jillian. And yes I realize that makes me somewhat of a bad person. I already know I'm a crappy person.

I stretch while still in my bed and groan as my back pops three times. The sun is desperately trying to stream through my blinds but I keep them closed, doing my best to ignore the passing of another day. The tile in the bathroom is cold under my feet as stand brushing my teeth. Maybe I'll tear up the tile and put down carpet so my feet are never cold. This is a daily thought I have and a horrible one at that but I continue to threaten my deathly cold tile.

I fight with the coffee maker for five minutes before it rumbles to life and starts dripping brown liquid. I have no idea if it will be drinkable. Moving on from the coffee I notice it is almost ten o'clock, this means my mother will be calling in five…four…three…two…one…RIIINNNGGGG

Right on time Paula.

"Hey Mom."

"Spencer, honey how are you? How was your week? Are you keeping an eye on Glen? I know he's living with Kyla but I want you to make sure and spend time with him. Oh and-"

Her rambling is overwhelming.

"Mom!" I shout into the receiver, "calm down. I see Glen almost every day, he's doing really well."

I hear her release a sigh of relief, "Oh good you know how I worry about that boy. So sweetie how are you? Have you been hanging out with Ashley a lot now that she's back?"

"Well," ok pause here because I told my mother Ashley went away for the war but I didn't tell her that Ash came back almost dead. Ok and resume, "as much as I can. We're both pretty busy."

Cue guilty feeling in bottom of stomach.

"Honestly Spence I've been just waiting for you two to get back together. I still don't think Jillian is good for you."

My Mom really doesn't like Jill. It might have something to do with her finding Jill naked in my bed on a trip here to visit me.

"No more worries Mom. Jill and I aren't dating anymore."

"Oh honey I'm so sorry!"

The excitement in her voice contradicts her statement. Thanks for the support Mother.

"Right, I'm sure you are. Listen, Mom I have to go. It's Sunday I have lunch with Kyla in an hour."

"Oh right," this time she does sound disappointed, "well tell everyone hello and I love them."

"I will and tell Ted 'hey' from me." Ted's my mother's new boyfriend, "Love you Mom."

"Love you too Spence," I can already hear her sniffles from the other side and I roll my eyes because she does this every Sunday, "Goodbye and please be careful!"

And then the line goes dead. I really do miss her but holy crap she can drive me crazy. A quick glance at the clock above the microwave lets me know I have exactly an hour before I meet Kyla.

Without really thinking about it I take a sip of my coffee and then immediately spit it out all over my floor. Freaking sick. Ugh and of course I had turned to walk back to my room so I spit it all over the carpet in the living room. Maybe carpet all over the apartment is a bad idea.

X X X X X X X X X X

I always forget just how small of a person she really is. She stands only an inch or so over five feet and when we hug I can almost wrap my arms around her twice.

"Spence! Great to see you." Kyla gives me a sparkling smile before sitting down, "By the way thanks so much for helping with Ashley. Things haven't been easy…"

She shakes her head before giving me a quick smile but I know her well enough to understand how serious this all is. A little voice inside of me tells me it is not my job to fix whatever problem is going on; of course I don't listen to that stupid voice.

"Ky, what is really going on?" I keep my voice low and soft.

The small girl across from me crumbles at my simple question. Her shoulders slump, her head drops, and tears run down her face. I wait patiently while Kyla pulls herself together and take a long sip of water.

"Well," she offers me no apologies for her breakdown and she knows she doesn't need to apologize to me…ever, "she's supposed to be in physical therapy and see a psychiatrist but the latter isn't going so well. She doesn't talk…to anyone. Glen and I have dinner with her and all she does is pick at the food and then excuse herself after twenty minutes or so."

The smaller, younger Davies sounds so beaten down and frustrated. I know this has to be hard for her. We are all used to seeing Ashley so full of life and this version of her is hard to stomach.

I place a comforting hand on Kyla's arm, "What can I do to help?"

"No," she shakes her head, "we're already asking you to be there during her PT, I can't ask you to do anymore then that."

"You're not asking me to. I'm offering my help."

The appreciation Kyla feels is clear on her face and from the sigh that escapes her petite frame.

"Try and talk to her. I know she's restless so maybe take her for walks or something…" she rubs her temples, "Glen and I just have such demanding schedules."

"Ok I'll try," I say through a forced smile, "I can't promise anything though."

"Excellent!" a brilliant smile replaces anguish and then we're talking about shoes and the latest fashions.

My mind is only half paying attention to the current conversation. I'm already worrying about agreeing to try and help Ashley. I can't help but wonder what I've gotten myself into.

"Oh and don't forget dinner at our place tonight! Seven sharp." Kyla drops a friendly kiss on my cheek, "See ya tonight Spence!"

"Ok see you then!" I yell as Kyla struts briskly away from me.

And now all of a sudden I feel very much alone on the crowded street.

X X X X X X X X X X

Before I even ring the doorbell I can hear Kyla squawking at Glen. A small giggle escapes my lips as I hear his mumbled reply. I ring the bell to save my poor twin. A much disheveled looking Glen answers the door, gives me a half hug, and then scurries away to finish doing whatever he's been told. In the kitchen Kyla has things boiling and frying that smell heavenly.

"Hey Ky," I have to speak loudly over all the noise of her banging pots together.

She gives me a smile but doesn't talk and just continues her tasks.

I grab a beer from the fridge and retreat to the living room. Of course that's where I find her, staring out the window. Her back is rigid and she does not move. I move slowly, so as not to startle her, and stand next to her.

No words are passed between us, we stand in complete silence but I can feel a sort of conversation happening. It almost seems like our bodies are talking to each other. I hear her breathing and my skin tingles from being near her. So I'm not surprised when my hand reaches out and rests on her shoulder.

At my touch I feel her instantly relax; her back slouches and her head falls forward slightly. I glance at her out of the corner of my eye and I watch with amazement as she reaches up and covers my hand with her own.

"DINNER!"

And just as her hand lands on mine it pulls away. Ashley maneuvers her wheelchair away from me and I take a few moments extra before entering the dining area.

"Oh there you are?" Kyla smiles at me, "You ready to eat?"

"Of course." I reply with a smile and I also notice that my chair is oh so conveniently next to Ashley's seat. I take my seat and then flash a quick smile at the woman next to me, the smile is not returned.

"So Spence," Glen shovels food onto his plate and fills one for Ashley as well, "how's work been going?"

Ashley picks up her fork and pushes food around her plate. It is clear she has no intention of eating any of it.

"Surprisingly busy, oh," I remember my chance encounter the other day, "guess who I ran into?"

Kyla and Glen both shrug at my question but Ashley doesn't move at all.

"Aiden Dennison. It was the strangest thing!"

After that conversation dials down and somewhere between dessert and coffee Ashley wheels away. Before she can get too far away I chase after her.

"Hey," I stop in front of her and wait to say anything else until her eyes meet mine, "wanna go for a walk?"

She squints at me and stares at me for what seems like hours before I get any sort of response.

"Yeah ok uh that might be nice."

The grin that breaks across my face is slightly embarrassing but what the hell. All I get in return is a raised eyebrow; obviously she thinks I'm completely nuts.

"Ok let me grab my coat and tell your sister we're going out."

As I walk past her I pause to squeeze her shoulder and she flinches slightly at the quick contact.

Someday when I touch her she won't flinch and one day I'll see her smile again. This is the promise I make myself as I pull on my coat and wave at Kyla.

"Be back later Ky."

I hurry back to a waiting Ashley and before she can start wheeling herself I grab the handles and push from behind.

"I can do it myself Spencer." Her tone is one of annoyance.

"I know."

I hear her sigh and then we're off.

**I can't apologize enough for the delay and for the cliffhanger. I'll be unbusy in about a week. More to come then. Thanks for everything, especially sticking with me. **


	7. Chapter 7

**I own no part of SON**

It's dark outside and since we're in New York no stars twinkle in the sky. Swarms of people still bustle about the streets but I maneuver Ashley's wheelchair easily through the mess. It takes us five minutes of walking, silent walking I might add, before we reach the small park only a few blocks away.

As I push Ashley through the park a jogger or two whisks by before disappearing into the night. Other then those occasional people the park is abandoned.

All of a sudden all the words I had planned to say disappear. The words I thought might sound intelligent or sincere won't come out of my mouth. We come upon a bench where I park the chair and take a seat.

"Uh dinner was good." These words coming out of my mouth sound so stupid that I roll my eyes at myself. I'm an idiot.

I hear her take a deep breath, "Yeah, it was."

When I exhale the cold air turns my breath into a cloud of smoke before it is whisked away into the dark. Another jogger passes by and I watch Ashley's eyes follow the small woman's body across the park. A twinge of jealousy rips through my stomach.

I clear my throat and Ashley's gaze returns to me, "Kyla says that uh things have been not going so good around the apartment."

Ashley's eyes narrow and the irritation is clear on her face, "She should just worry about herself."

"No, no she shouldn't Ashley." My tone is angrier than I intended, "She's your sister, of course she's worried. Hell, I'm worried too."

"Don't! You don't get to be worried!" An emotion that looks a lot like hate flashes behind her golden eyes and it makes my heart hurt.

"Ashley," I pause to try and find the best words to apologize, "I'm so sorry." Oh brilliant, like that line has never been used before.

I'm not surprised when she doesn't look particularly moved by my apology.

"That's not enough and you know it." There's defeat in her voice and her hand drags through her hair.

"Why won't you talk to your counselor?"

She scoffs and the tension from our earlier conversations evaporates.

"Honestly Spencer would you talk to a complete stranger about your life? Especially if you've had such horrible things happen to you…" her raspy voice trails off and her hand reaches up, her fingers tracing the long scar on her face.

When we're having an almost normal conversation it is easy to forget what she's been through, what she still has to overcome.

"Fair enough but you should think about talking to somebody. I've heard that like talking about what happened helps or whatever." I'm so good with words…ugh.

She nods but doesn't say anything and we fall into a comfortable silence.

X X X X X X X X X X

It's a slow day in the gallery then again Mondays are usually pretty slow. I'm the only one in the small space and my mind is combing over my talk with Ashley. There's so much damage to Ashley that I don't even know where to start helping. She might not even want my help…

My cell phone vibrates and because no one is around I am quick to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Hi Spencer, oh I didn't think you'd answer…"

I almost drop the phone at the sound of Ashley's voice. This was seriously the last thing I was expecting today.

"No, no it's fine Ashley. What's uh going on?"

For a few seconds there is only the sound of her breathing through the receiver.

"I wanted to see if you were free to like get coffee or something?"

Well this is something I can answer without thinking about it.

"Yeah of course, when?"

"You free now?"

X X X X X X X X X X

We are back in the park, this time she's holding our coffees while I push the chair and there's a hint of a smile on her face. Then again I could be imagining things. I stop us at the same bench from the previous night and she hands me my coffee. She seems careful not to touch me as she passes the cup.

When she takes a long, slow drink from her steaming coffee I take my opportunity to really look at her. I can almost still see the rebellious eighteen year old beneath the scars and the harshness. In fact I can still remember her laughter and the way her eyes used to shine when she was excited. But that's all gone now and we're adults and she's been through something I can never understand.

This thought brings a rush of sympathy through my body. I ache for the woman that used to be my best friend, the love of my life but now I barely know her.

"You're thinking so hard it's giving me a headache."

The sound of her voice snaps me back to reality and I give her an apologetic smile.

"Right, sorry. Uh I was wondering something?"

She just stares at me and it takes me a few seconds to stop looking at her eyes…

"Um I was wondering why you called me?"

I watch her gaze leave mine and her eyes kind of glass over.

"I want to live Spencer," my body gets goosebumps at her words, "I want to get better. But I can't talk about it. It's just that, well, my…the thing is when I go to talk about what happened there's something that stops me. It's like something squeezes my throat closed and then I can't breathe. I can't breathe and my heart almost explodes. So tell me how am I supposed to talk about it?"

The frustration is clear in her voice and her breathing becomes shallower. I can tell that even talking about all of this is a roundabout way is upsetting her.

"Ok." I try to give her a reassuring smile, "We can talk about other stuff then."

She regains control of her breathing and cocks her head at me, "Like what?"

"Do you think our siblings will ever get married?"

A chuckle escapes from her still perfect mouth, "No idea…do you think they should?"

I shrug and direct my attention to a small, fluffy dog barking hysterically at a squirrel. The gray haired woman ignores the incessant noise coming out of her dog and continues to squawk into her cell phone. I turn to say something to Ashley and I notice her eyes are tightly closed and she's almost shaking.

Panic surrounds me because I have no idea how to handle this situation. I don't want to do something that will upset her more but I can't do nothing.

"Ashley," I keep my voice soft and low, "hey it's ok. We're in a little park remember?"

Her eyes slowly open but she doesn't look at me, she stares straight ahead and I watch as she appears to be reliving some sort of horror.

"We need to go, now." She says the words in a short, clipped manner that frightens me.

It takes everything in me not to try and ask what's upset Ashley as I push her back to the apartment. I give her a silence I think she needs.

By the time we get back to the apartment I've noticed that Ashley has stopped shaking and there's more color in her face now.

Glen's in the kitchen singing to himself and cutting up some sort of vegetable but Ashley ignores him, wheeling herself directly to her room. It reminds me of how she felt about her room in the old Davies mansion, it was her sanctuary.

"Hey sis." Glen notices me staring down the hall after Ashley and when I turn to look at him he's giving me a sympathetic smile.

I smile back and accept the glass of wine being offered, "Thanks Glen. How was work today?"

He's returned to cooking and I hoist myself onto the countertop to watch him work his culinary magic.

"Big day, Lebron is an idiot so of course that's all we talk about. I seriously can't believe I get paid to talk about this shit all day." A boyish grin graces his features making him look like a teenager again.

He makes me laugh and it feels good.

"Yes I can't believe they pay you either." I give a mischievous smile, "You'd think they'd want someone better looking."

The scowl he shoots me is playful and the wine is starting to warm up my blood.

"So you went out with Ashley today? How'd that go?"

I take a minute to think before I answer his question because honestly I have no idea how it went today.

"Good and bad I guess, I mean it's a great sign that she even called right?" he just shrugs, "but she had a little freak out in the park. It's just difficult to tell what she's going through."

He sets down his knife and grabs my hand, "Be patient Spence. You're the only person she's really talking to these days. Believe me when I say it'll get better."

His words put me more at ease and I finish the wine before telling him goodbye. I quickly exit the apartment without seeing Ashley again.

A cold wind sweeps the street and I pull my coat tighter around my body.

As I walk I make my mind focus on whether I should have Chinese or Italian takeout.

**Thank you all! I'm glad this story is being received so well. You guys are amazing. **


	8. Chapter 8

**I own no part of SON**

**Peace and love to all **

Something is wrong. First of all it has been two very long weeks since I've seen Ashley, Kyla, or Glen. I got a phone call from Kyla telling me I didn't need to be there for Ashley's PT. That is my first clue. Second, Kyla and I haven't had our weekly lunches on Sunday. That is my second clue. We haven't not had lunch every week in years.

Horrible, catastrophic images are flashing through my head as I pace my small apartment, a bottle of tequila dangling from my hand. Did Ashley hurt herself? Did she take her own life? What aren't they telling me?

Without thinking about it I take another pull from the bottle in my hand and I no longer wince at the burn in my throat. I force myself to sit on the couch and take a deep breath. I'm totally overreacting, those things wouldn't happen and if, by any chance, they did happen someone would call…why in the hell hasn't anyone even called me?

Right as I'm about to throw my kitchen chair through my window my door buzzes. I'm not even embarrassed to say that in my haste to answer I trip over before mentioned chair.

"Hello?"

"Let me up Spencer."

There is a rush of relief at the sound of Kyla's voice and then a wave of ugly anger.

"No, go away."

"Quit acting like a child and let me come explain things to you."

And now the bitch has insulted me. But while my mind is saying 'no don't let her up' my fingers act without permission and buzz her up.

Ugh traitors.

It takes only minutes for her to reach my door and waltz into my apartment. I watch with hazy eyes as she takes in the toppled chair then the bottle of tequila still in my grasp and finally my disheveled and pathetic appearance.

"Oh Spence," her face softens and she pulls me into a hug, "I should have called you sooner."

I'm not appreciative of the hug and shrug her off quickly. How does she not understand how pissed I am right now?

"Don't come in here and expect me to be all sunshine and fucking rainbows."

"Will you at least hear me out?" Her sad, pleading eyes lock on me and it is really starting to make me squirm.

I sigh and plop down on the couch, "Fine. Speak."

Kyla very carefully sits next to me. She is of course dressed to perfection, from her shiny hair to her bright red heels.

"Ok now don't overreact and just let me tell the whole story before you start talking, ok?"

I throw my best eyeroll her way.

"Whatever Ky."

She takes a deep breath, slowly lets it out and then stares me straight in the eyes, "So it started a couple of days after you and Ashley went out that day. Every time I saw her she seemed to be in some sort of pain. Of course when I asked her if she was ok she claimed she was fine. I knew better. Finally she admitted something was wrong when she was bent over the trash can puking up blood."

My chest tightens listening to this and I can't imagine the horror that must be plain on my face.

"So I took her to the hospital. A piece of metal that had been lodged in her rib had somehow come loose and made a tear in her stomach."

"And why in the hell didn't you call me?"

"Ok first you said you would let me finish," she glares at me, "Second, I decided that it would be better for her and you if I just waited to tell you until I knew that she wasn't going to…"

Die. She trails off but that is what she means to say. The thought makes my whole body shudder. It makes sense why I wasn't informed and the previous anger I had dissolves quickly.

"Alright, I'm not so pissed I guess. Can I see her?"

Kyla gives me a small smile that doesn't reach her eyes.

When she speaks her voice is a whisper, "Spencer…she's asked that you stop coming by."

Whoa. If I wasn't sober before I am now. The bottle falls from my hands and the small amount of liquid left in it spills out onto my living room carpet. I close my eyes and try to stop the tears that I know want to come flooding out.

"I'm so sorry Spencer I don't know what to do about this…I mean she told me a week ago that she didn't want to see you but I tried to talk her out of it. I didn't know how to tell you…give her time she'll change her mind."

I release a desperate breath I didn't know I was holding.

"Ok, and now I just need to be alone. I'll uh call you later."

The look on Kyla's face tells me she isn't sure I should be left alone so I muster up a pathetic smile as she drags herself out of my apartment. My body aches all of a sudden and I no longer have the strength to keep the tears at bay.

As I sit there crying and feeling sorry for myself I can't help but wonder why…why does she not want to see me? Why is life so unfair? Why am I so upset that a person I barely know doesn't want to talk to me?

I've been holding so hard to the idea that Ashley will go back to who she used to be and of course this is a ridiculous notion. After what she's been through there is no way…but still why is she pushing so hard against me?

And why is all the tequila gone? This is the last thought I have before I cry myself to sleep.

X X X X X X X X X

What feels like an elephant standing on my head jerks me awake. I try and roll over only to find myself hanging off the side of the couch. This is not where I meant to sleep last night. My immense headache is the only thing I can think about as I stumble to the bathroom to find some aspirin.

"Shit that's cold."

The dreaded tile is ice cold on my left foot which weirdly enough doesn't have a sock while my right is snug as a bug in a fuzzy green sock. I almost laugh manically when I swallow down four (ok maybe six) little white aspirin pills.

As I drag myself into my bedroom my eyes land on the same picture that I always notice right away; a shiny 8 by 10 picture of Ashley hugging me from behind and I'm just grinning like an idiot. In the picture she has on her black rimmed glasses and a devilish smirk on her face.

The picture reminds me that the woman she is today wants nothing to do with me. I groan and fall face first into my bed. After pouting about her wishes for a few minutes I start to get angry, very angry.

It takes only moments for me to make up my mind. A quick call into work (even fake calling in sick won't be damaging, my boss loves me) and a few blocks later I'm at the door to my brother's apartment. I don't knock but barge in, making as much noise as possible.

She's on the couch with a big white bandage around her tummy and a deer in the headlights look on her pretty face.

"I need to talk to you," I keep my voice sounding authoritative, "no more like I need to yell at you."

Her big, beautiful hazel eyes are still just staring at me and her mouth is hanging slightly open.

"Good, don't say anything and let me talk. Listen I don't know why you think you get to just cut all ties. I have been nothing but helpful since you've been back. In fact I have gone out of my way to do what I can! Then you just send your sister to inform me that you no longer want to see me?" I take a deep breath and continue (she of course is still unmoving), "Don't you think our friendship deserves better than that? Do you realize how much it hurt me to listen to your sister tell me that? No, of course you didn't!"

By the time I finish lecturing her she's got a steeled look on her face and I can see that she's shaking a little with what is probably anger.

"Are you finished?" her voice is barely above a whisper.

"Yeah, yeah I think so."

She nods and takes a few long moments to stare me down, "I don't want to see you. Plain and simple. You do not help, you hurt. I have spent my whole life pining for you, trying to please you and love you. I'm done. At least I want to be done but you are the love of my life and I can't seem to convince myself to stay away."

Now I'm the one with my mouth hanging open as she continues with a broken voice.

"I never slept with anyone else when we were together. And when I was gone I wrote you hundreds of what were essentially love letters. Kyla told me you didn't even open them. Then you think that we will just magically be friends? I love you but I hate you so much. I hate you because you ran to New York, I hate you because you never let me explain myself all those years ago, I hate you because you never wrote me back, and I hate you for making me love you, even now."

"Ashley…" I can't even fully comprehend what is going on right now.

"So I'm begging you please, please Spencer, stay away and give me a chance to live because I can't function with you around. Loving you is going to end up killing me."

The voice inside my head is screaming at me to tell her I love her too and I will never hurt her again. That voice is begging me to reach out and grab her hand but if I'm perfectly honest with myself I don't think I feel about her the same way she feels for me. I don't know if I still love her.

"Ok." I croak out the word and bust out of the apartment. Maybe I should have just stayed home.

**Sorry this took so long. Thanks to everyone for everything. Stay golden. **


	9. Chapter 9

**I own no part of SON**

She's attractive, in an obvious way that almost makes her ugly. It's a weird concept and that's all I'm thinking about as I pretend to listen to her talk.

"So I changed my major to marketing."

Erin, or is it Erica, gives me a sparkling smile and I nod my head in response. While she rummages around in her purse I motion to the waiter to get me another drink.

"So Spencer, what's your story?"

Oh she so doesn't want to hear my real story. Could you imagine if I actually told her about my life? The idea is so ridiculous that I almost laugh in her face.

"Oh um came to New York for college and just ended up staying. Nothing too complicated I guess." Lie, I just told an outright lie.

Ok pause here. It's been three months since Ashley fell apart in front of me and told me to go away. It took two months for me to pull myself together and a month later I'm on a blind date my brother arranged for me.

And resume.

"Come on, there is no way it is that simple." Erin/Erica chuckles and leans closer to me. She really is very pretty with light brown hair and green eyes that dance. I could grow to like this girl.

I give a forced laugh, take a long drink and a deep breath, "Ok, you asked for it," she gives me an enthusiastic smile, "I came here because I ran away from an ex-girlfriend."

"Ah I see. I knew it wasn't simple."

"It never is."

She quirks an eyebrow and suddenly I'm more interested in her.

X X X X X X X X X X

The first snow of the year is starting to fall as I make the quick journey to work. My phone rings, startling me and almost making me drop my coffee. I would have killed someone if my coffee was ruined.

"What Glen? You almost made me drop my elixir of life."

His husky chuckle cackles over our phone connection.

"I was just calling to see how your date with Amy went the other night."

Wow, Amy. I was way off.

"It went well." I let myself into the gallery and wave at the receptionist as I pass by, "she was fine."

"Did you sleep with her?"

"Seriously, that is not something I'm going to talk about with you…but no I did not."

"You gonna call her again?"

A sigh escapes me, "I don't know yet. Maybe, I gotta go I'm at work."

"Ok," he pauses, "Spence?"

"Yeah Glen?"

"I just want you to be ok again."

Me too but instead I tell him I'll call him later and that I love him.

Marie has left a mountain of paper work on my desk, most of it about the upcoming auction that she's attending. The auction is in Paris and of course she didn't bother to invite me.

I sigh and start to wade through all the numbers and forms piled high in my cramped office.

X X X X X X X X X X

"Honestly I'm kind of surprised you called."

Her index finger traces the top of her wine glass and the motion momentarily distracts me.

"Really? How so?" I've had an awful day full of mind numbing work and all I wanted after was some companionship. The only person I thought of to come hang out with me was Amy.

She gives a quick shrug, "You just didn't seem very interested the other night."

"And I apologize for that."

I give her my best grin and she returns the favor instantly. We finish eating our late dinner and we walk in snowfall towards my apartment. It's snowing those big, fluffy flakes that are an unreal shade of white. If I close my eyes it's almost like I'm back in Ohio, the thought makes me smile.

"What are you smiling about?"

Amy is giving me an amused smile coupled with what is actually a pretty adorable head tilt.

"Oh nothing."

We stop in front of my apartment and she faces me, shaking her head slightly.

"You're not going to let me in there at all, are you?"

What does she expect? I've known her two seconds and it's been a crazy year…she has no idea.

"Spencer," she rests a hand on my shoulder, "its ok. I'll call you later." She presses a gentle kiss to my cheek, "goodnight."

And with that she walks into the darkness and is swallowed by the crowd of people bustling around the street. I release a deep breath and walk into my apartment building. I flip through some unread text messages as I climb the stairs to my place and almost trip over something at the top of the stairs.

"Shit."

"Ow."

I jump, dropping my phone as I do so when a person makes a noise. What the hell? I watch with extreme caution as somebody pushes themselves off the ground and steps into the light.

I'm instantly torn between immeasurable delight and something that resembles loathing.

"Hey Spence."

Weird, her voice is huskier then I remember. She looks better than she did but still not good. Her frame is still too skinny and the scars on her face have turned whitish with ragged edges to them.

"Listen, I'm tired and I, well I just don't think I can do this right now Ashley."

She nods but doesn't move from in front of my door and I'm wondering if she even heard what I said.

"No one would tell me how you were. I-I had to come see for myself." she's struggling to speak and when she looks at me her expression is pained, "I won't apologize for what I said."

"I didn't ask you to." My voice sounds so tired.

A staring contest ensues. I don't think she's blinked in minutes and I refuse to be the one to talk again first.

"Ok, well goodnight." The words rush out of her mouth.

As she tries to brush past me I grab her wrist.

"What? That's what you came here for?"

This can't be all she meant to say. Ashley doesn't answer me, doesn't even look at me just nods and then pulls her wrist away, disappearing down the stairs. I'm surprised by the sharp pain in my chest as I watch her retreating figure. So of course my mouth betrays me…

"Ashley! Hold on a second!"

I'm pleased to find her frozen halfway down the stairs.

"Want to come in for a drink?"

A nod and half a smile is my answer.

**Ok I just wanted to get this up before I went to bed. Tomorrow I will start working on the next chapter. **

**Thanks to all. You guys are the reason I write. **


	10. Chapter 10

**I own no part of SON**

**Peace and love to all! **

**xoxo**

I'm doing my very best to make coffee but the damn machine isn't agreeing with me. As I struggle with buttons and spilled coffee grounds Ashley is slowly walking around my small apartment.

The reason I'm having so much trouble is probably because I'm watching her instead of what I'm supposed to be doing. There is an obvious limp to her gait yet she does her very best to hide it.

She's staring at everything; the dozens of pictures on the wall and the endless books I have stacked or piled everywhere. Every now and then she gives a small smile when she looks at something.

It's good to see her smile. Finally I have made what at least looks like coffee. I hand her a steaming mug before placing myself on the couch. She sits on the other end of the couch.

The silence is deafening and I'm praying she breaks it soon.

"I handled things wrong," she slowly starts to speak, barely above a whisper, "a few months ago I said things and didn't do a good job."

"Is that supposed to be an apology?" my voice has an edge to it that I don't recognize.

"No," she shakes her head, "I said I wouldn't apologize. I needed you to leave me alone because I needed to be able to do this by myself; I needed to breathe without the help of someone else."

I'm doing my best to try and understand what she means, what it must be like for her but I can't seem to.

"Listen Ashley, I know that you've been through hell. And I want nothing more than for you to be better. Do you believe that?"

"Yeah, I do."

The coffee tastes terrible and I set my mug aside, "Ok, here's the thing...you are not allowed to do this. You are not allowed to say that you love me or hate me and then just throw me away. How is that fair to me? I didn't even get to react to what you said."

Now she's looking at me and there's a flicker of light in her eyes that I haven't seen since she's been back.

"Ashley, if you had let me speak I would have told you that I went back to L.A. for you." The pain of the past catches up and I swallow a lump in my throat down.

"Spencer…"

"I went back after a semester and a half but you were gone already to some military base in Texas. So I came back here to New York and did everything I could to move on with my life. My heart broke that day I found out you had enlisted."

Now there's desperation on her face and it's the same look I had on mine all those years ago.

"Well why didn't you call me and tell me you had tried to come see me?" she's clutching her coffee mug so tight that her knuckles have turned white.

I sigh and close my eyes, "Because I loved you so much more then you ever did me."

She opens her mouth to speak but quickly shuts it as if she just now realizes how true my statement is. I watch as she processes the truth, it's hard to witness. There's pain and regret resonating from every part of her body.

"Spencer, I-I'm sorry."

We both know she's apologizing for the past.

"It's ok, I'm ok now." I reach over and grab her hand, she only flinches slightly, "but we have a problem now. You're in love with me."

Her hand squeezes mine tighter.

"I am."

"I can't tell you what you want to hear right now Ashley."

The sensation of her hand in mine vanishes as she cradles her face in her hands. For the first time I notice the long thin scars all over her forearms…dear god what did they do to her?

"So you're saying you don't feel the same way." It's a statement not a question, and it's one of defeat.

"Yeah, yeah I am." I hate hurting her but I can't lie to her either, that would hurt both of us more.

Ashley gives me a solemn nod, "Ok." She stands as quick as she can but I'm faster to shoot off the couch.

"Ash," she pauses in my open doorway, "I'm not saying that you and me, us, is over. I'm just saying not right now, ok?"

She glances over her shoulder and her eyes meet mine, eyes that are so familiar and yet so different. No words are spoken but I know she understands.

X X X X X X X X X X

The snow is coming down hard and swirling all over the city. Almost every business is closed and people are huddled inside their homes. Oh no, not me. My stupid ass is trekking to Glen and Kyla's place for an impromptu dinner. What I have zero food left in my apartment?

I brace against the biting wind as I round the corner and their apartment building comes into view. Ah thank goodness. There is already several inches of snow coating the sidewalks and I have to walk carefully so I don't fall flat on my ass. This is my biggest issue with New York City, the maintenance of the sidewalks is terrible. Just last year I busted my ass so hard I had to sit on one of those donut things for two weeks.

Before I can even let myself into the apartment the door busts open and I'm enveloped in a bear hug.

"Ow, shit Glen you're hurting me!" With my free hand I punch him as hard as I can in the shoulder but it just makes him giggle.

He sets me down and ruffles my hair, "Took you long enough to get here!"

I aim a deathly glare his way before brushing past him into the living room. Kyla and Ashley are both perched on the couch talking in soft voices, exchanging secret smiles. Of course she must feel me staring because Ashley's intense gaze lands on me and I clear my throat uncomfortably.

"Hey Ashley." Ugh quit being so awkward.

A slight nod is thrown my way before she excuses herself to the bathroom. Her departure gives me a chance to grab some wine.

"Spencer, you look all shook up," Kyla places a hand on my shoulder, "what's going on?"

Oh sure, nothing Kyla. Oh wait yeah your sister is in love with me and for some unknown reason I can't seem to dig up any feelings for her.

"Just a rough few days at work that's all. And I hate all this snow!" The adorable couple across from me chuckle knowingly and I watch in, what I hate to admit, jealousy as Glen gives her temple a gentle kiss.

Dinner is filled with the usual conversations, jobs and the economy and sports and family. Even Ashley participates and admits to missing her parents and being addicted to Jersey Shore. A glance out the window and I realize you can't even see two feet in the blizzard.

"Ah Spence, you better stay here tonight." Glen puts on his best brotherly voice, "I know it's not that far but I just don't like you out in this stuff."

There are moments (more recently) where Glen sounds just like how Dad used to talk to me; it's a small comfort.

I can feel Ashley looking at me and I do my best to stay focused on Glen.

"Ok well Kyla and I will go fix up the guest bedroom for you then." I kiss his cheek in thanks and we say our goodnights because I know those two are going to bed now.

Now I'm left standing awkwardly in the middle of the room with Ashley staring at me with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm not going to bite you know." There's an amused tone to her husky voice and the beginnings of a genuine smile playing around her mouth.

A chuckle escapes me and I flop down in the recliner, "I just don't want things to be weird between us."

"Oh you mean because I'm in love with you and you don't feel the same…" she's trying to joke but there's a sadness in her voice she can't hide, "don't worry I'm fine."

"Ashley," I lean forward, "I don't even know you anymore. Can't we just get to know each other again, as friends?"

It is clear to see that this is not what she wants but what choice does she have?

"Right, good idea."

I notice that she has not touched a drop of alcohol all night.

"Are you not drinking tonight?" I say before taking a sip of my own beverage.

Ashley's hazel, no lighter than that tonight so toffee, eyes close for a few moments before she gives an answer, "My therapist says drinking might lead to me substituting my issues with booze."

The word 'therapist' surprises me and it must show on my face.

"Don't look so shocked Spencer. What did you think I was doing these past three months?"

"Well I have to admit I am impressed. I did want to tell you how amazed I am by how far you've come."

Then another surprise when a cynical laugh jumps out of her mouth.

"I still can't sleep and when I do finally sleep I have dreams, no nightmares. I wake up screaming bloody murder and thrashing so violently I almost hurt Kyla. And that's just one of the many things that haven't gotten any better."

For a few horrible moments I'm afraid I've upset her and she'll leave. Then I watch her take a deep breath and the crazed look in her eye disappears.

"I'm sorry Ashley."

When she looks at me I can see she's beyond exhausted, physically and emotionally.

"For what Spencer."

"Everything."

And with one word I say a thousand apologies and we both know it.

**Thanks all! Loving reading what you guys think of the story. Please keep it up! **


	11. Chapter 11

**I own no part of SON**

The room is freezing and the mattress is unfamiliar. I've been tossing and turning for hours but I just can't fall asleep in the little twin bed in my brother's apartment. Every now and then I hear footsteps in the hall, then the shutting of a door. My guess is Ashley is wandering the apartment.

My watch reads 2:45am. Dear God. Outside the apartment I can hear the wind howling and I can almost feel the building bracing against the powerful winds. The sound of the toilet flushing reminds me that I actually have to pee. When I swing my legs onto the floor they are met with carpet and it's a welcoming change from the deathly, cool tile of my apartment.

As I'm leaving the bathroom and trying to prepare myself for the chilly bedroom I hear a sound that makes me smile. The crackling of a fire. The thought of sitting in front of a hot flame makes me almost trip over myself trying to get to the living room.

There is evidence that Ashley has been in here everywhere. The fire roars in a welcoming manner, there's a steaming mug of what appears to be tea, and a bowl of gummy bears. A closer examination confirms my theory that she has indeed already eaten all of the red ones. The only problem is she's not sitting here, where'd she go?

"Hey."

This time I'm the one who jumps as she whispers in my ear from behind me.

"Crap Ashley, you scared the bejeebies out of me." I'm clutching my chest and she's holding back a smile.

Her hand that was resting on my shoulder drops, "Sorry Spencer. Did I wake you up?"

When she looks at me its dead in the eyes and there's an unwavering force behind those pools that makes me forget what we are talking about.

"Uh no um I can't sleep." And now I'm staring at the horrific marks all over her face. There's even one that runs basically through her left eye and I wonder if she can see out of it.

"They don't hurt anymore." Her voice is bitter and her eyes leave mine. For a second I consider hugging her but I'm deathly afraid of scaring her even from such an affectionate action.

I break the harsh tension by plopping myself in front of the fire and popping a gummy bear in my mouth.

"I don't know how you can eat these like they're a bowl of popcorn." I swallow down the chewy goop and smile up at the brunette. Ashley gives me a grateful look and settles herself next to me on the floor.

She shrugs and reaches for the bowl, "I don't know. I guess it's just a habit from high school that stuck with me. I do some of my best thinking while snacking on these little guys."

We both chuckle and settle into a comfortable silence. As I watch the flames dance my eyes start to droop and I can feel her staring at me.

"Spencer," her voice is low and soft, "you're tired you should go to bed."

I rub at my eyes and turn to look at her, there's a gentle smile on her face.

"No, no I'm ok. Besides I have to keep you company since you can't sleep."

"Don't be ridiculous go to bed." Now her voice sounds bossy, like my mom's.

Looking around the living room I notice just how giant the couch is.

"I'll make you a deal," I'm brilliant and she actually looks intrigued, "I'll go to bed but so do you. We'll both sleep on the couch."

The idea must frighten her because she looks utterly terrified.

"Uh Spencer I don't know…"

I roll my eyes and pull her to her feet, catching her off guard.

"I do. Come on. You sleep with your head down there and I'll sleep with mine at this end."

After several minutes of coaxing and arrangement we are both finally settled on the couch. This couch is heavenly compared to that awful bedroom. I'll have to remember to tell Glen to fix that shit.

"You still awake?"

Her voice is timid, like a child's.

"Yeah Ashley, what's up?"

"Do you ever wish things had turned out differently?"

I pause and realize of course that the answer is yes.

"Yes," I turn onto my other side, "I always wonder if just one decision would have been made differently if our whole lives would be changed."

"I never thought it'd all turn out like this." Her voice isn't sad but it is weary like she very seriously just can't fathom how life unfolded like it has.

"I guess all we can do is move on with what we have you know? Try to make our lives the best they can be."

She doesn't answer but I swear I hear her mumble something like 'easier said than done' and I drift to sleep imagining a different reality.

X X X X X X X X X X

**5 months later…**

"I just don't understand why you are so upset!"

"Seriously? I mean you're just screwing with me right?"

She flings the door open and storms inside her apartment with me following behind totally clueless as to what is the issue.

"Uh no not screwing with you. I thought we had fun tonight and everyone was perfectly nice."

She whirls around and steps right into my space, making me take a step back.

"Were you even at the same party as me?" Her face is full of fear, disbelief, and anger, it makes for a heartbreaking combination but it doesn't help but understand what the hell is going on.

I speak very slowly and very carefully, "I honestly have no idea why you are mad."

Alright I guess I should explain…I am now having my first big fight with what I guess you could call me girlfriend. Remember Amy? Well somehow we ended up dating and really enjoying each other. Ok well we were just at Kyla's birthday party which was super nice and beautiful. The Davies were there and so was Ashley (she brought some skank with her) as well as my mother, me, Glen, and I decided to bring Amy. Apparently bringing her was a mistake. There were other people there but they really don't matter.

Ok I think that covers it.

"I can't compete with her!"

And the truth comes out!

"Amy what the hell are you talking about?"

"All night all I heard and saw was everyone loving Ashley and mentioning her to you and asking why you weren't together. You never told me that you guys had that much history. And let's not forget the fact that she's gorgeous."

Now Amy is crying on the couch and looking at me with watery eyes.

"I told you we went out."

"You failed to mention that you guys were in love, that you've known each other for forever, and that you're the reason she joined the army or whatever! Everyone loves her."

I try to sit next to her but when I get close she springs up and starts the pacing again.

"Everyone really liked you. My mother was ready to date you herself." I chuckle and Amy does not appreciate this noise, sending me a death glare. Oops.

"So this is all funny to you?"

Uh in an absurd way, yes.

"No Amy, I just still don't understand. I'm with you aren't I? We've been good for months."

She releases a deep sigh and this time sets herself at the kitchen counter.

"We're good as long as we aren't around Ashley. The way she looks at you…"

"There's nothing I can do about how she looks at me!"

And this is true what in the world am I supposed to do about Ashley's looks. Amy's totally overreacting…

"You can help how you look at her."

Or maybe not.

"Oh come on don't be ridiculous." And now I'm on the defensive.

"Spencer, I'm not stupid. Are you in love with her?"

I open my mouth to answer but snap it close. Am I? Amy just nods like she's known this for years and gives me a broken smile.

"Amy, just listen. I don't want her ok? I'm here with you." I grab her hand and stare at her, trying to make her see that I mean what I'm saying.

"I believe you that you want to not love her but you should see how you look at her. You've never looked at me like that. She walks into a room and your whole demeanor changes and your eyes follow her. And she looks at you the same. There's this spark that every other person in the room can see between you. Apparently you're the only who doesn't see that spark."

This cannot be happening. I am in absolute like with the crying girl in front of me and she can't see it. Yeah so maybe I don't love her but what's wrong with that? We've only known each other for like 6 months. There has to be something I can say or do to stop what I know is coming next.

"Amy, Amy please please stop overthinking this. Yes we have a long, complicated relationship so I've been through lots of shit with her. She will always be a part of my life but because I've been through all that I want easy, I want fun, I want what you and I have. Can you understand that?"

Her tired eyes meet mine and I can already tell I've lost her.

"Spencer, you should just go. I'm exhausted."

I nod and start to leave her apartment.

"Will you call me?"

For ten seconds she just stares at me then gives an affirmative nod accompanied by a defeated smile. I softly shut the door and take a deep breath. Holy crap.

As I start the trek home I pull out my phone and punch my brother's number.

"Hey evil twin what do you need?"

His greeting is one that he finds utterly hilarious; it just makes me want to kick him in the shins.

"I have a very serious question to ask you."

Glen must hear the desperation in my voice and understand how severe the situation is.

"Ok, what's the question?"

"Do you think I'm in love with Ashley?"

Please say no please say no please say no…

"Oh absolutely. Can you honestly say you aren't?"

My bus rumbles to a stop in front of me.

"Glen I have to go."

"Spencer, you need to figure this out before someone gets seriously hurt."

"I'm not going to hurt anyone."

He sighs, "I meant you."

His words hit me like a train. It's then I realize I'm gonna end up with nothing if I don't do something.

**Thank you everyone! Your reviews are wonderful to read and I'm so grateful to have people loving what I'm doing. Please enjoy **


	12. Chapter 12

**I own no part of SON**

**Peace and love to all! **

**xoxo**

My mind is made up before I even make it off the bus. I have to see Ashley. She's still living with her sister and Glen which is on the other side of the North end of the city. My bus ride takes twenty minutes and then tack on another twenty minutes of walking.

Almost an hour later I'm standing, and wheezing, outside of the apartment. I've buzzed three times and no one is answering, not exactly what I was expecting. I'm still completely out of breath so I sit down on the step with my back against the wall, I'm totally content to wait it out. Twenty or so minutes later and my ass is frozen and my back hurts. Just as I'm about to give up I hear the clicking of heels. Racking my brain I remember Kyla and Ashley both wore heels to the party so it has to be one of them.

"I had a really great time thank you for bringing me."

Ugh its that ho Ashley brought to the party.

Then I hear her husky reply, "No problem, I'm really glad you came with me." I can hear the smile in her voice, damnit.

I slide further into the dark doorway and strain to listen to the conversation.

"Your ex-girlfriend didn't seem too happy to meet me." Duh bitch.

"Yeah well she's a difficult woman to please." The biting remark makes me cringe, thanks Ash. I grind my jaw and remind myself to bring that up later.

"Well I guess this is goodnight," the dumb ho pauses, "can I kiss you?"

What the hell? Now I'm practically peaking around the edge of the doorway.

"Yeah, please do."

And now I almost fall down. I hide myself back in the shadows so I don't have to witness the woman I love kissing someone else. A single tear slides down my face and my knees buckle so I prop myself against cold bricks. My chest hurts and a harsh realization rushes through me, I'm too late.

I hear mumbled goodbyes and then I step out of the darkness. Ashley stands there watching the other woman walk away and I stand there watching Ashley. She turns around with a smile on her face but it disappears when she notices me.

"Spencer, what the," she steps closer and scrunches up her forehead, "what the hell are you doing here?"

Ashley is beautiful standing in front of me with surprise all over her face. Her black dress is simple yet elegant and her chocolate curls are pinned up. But the thing that captures me most is her stare, it seems to pierce right through me.

"I um came to see you."

And the way she is looking at me I think she knows. She knows why I'm there and she starts shaking her head.

"No Spencer, no. Don't say anything," she puts her hands up and backs away, "just you go home and go to bed."

I lick my lips and grab her hands, "Please Ashley, I want, no no I need to be with you."

Somewhere behind her a trash can rattles to the ground and her reaction is violent. She jumps right into my arms, burying her face in my neck while her body shakes uncontrollably.

It takes only a few minutes before she stops shaking and removes herself from my grasp. I instantly miss her warmth.

"Sorry about that." She mumbles and her eyes won't meet mine.

"Don't apologize for that," I reach out and touch her face, "never apologize for that."

Silence surrounds us on the empty New York street, the only sound the distant murmur of someone on a phone. She still isn't looking at me, instead her eyes are staring past me and her curls are blowing gently in the night breeze.

"Why did you come here tonight?" Finally she speaks but at the same time her body kind of slouches and she looks beaten down.

All the words that I had planned out in my head have floated away and I'm left with nothing.

"Um because I wanted to see you."

"How's Amy?"

What the…

"Actually we fought." I of course think this will please the woman standing in front of me.

Ashley nods and rubs her neck soothingly, "So you came here right after you and a woman you claimed to really like fought. That looks bad, you get that right?"

And then it hits me that I must look like a crazy, desperate person.

"Wait, that's not why I'm here. I mean it has something to do with it I guess bu-"

"Spencer, stop," she takes a deep breath, "it hurts but I'm going to say no right now. I'm going to send you away because right now, in this instant we are a bad idea."

Wow, just like that something inside of me crumbles.

My voice echoes in my head when I speak, "Right I mean, you're probably right. It would be bad or crazy…something, I have to go then, like away. So, maybe I'll see you…whenever."

I start to walk away not fully comprehending what the hell just happened when I feel it, her small hand wraps around my wrist. I make a conscious decision to not turn all the way around, the sight of her haunting eyes might kill me.  
"Hey Spence, I'm not saying we can't be us ever," the familiar words hurt more than I thought they would, "I'm just saying not now, ok?"

The instant I nod she releases my wrist and I take off at a fast walk away from where the shattered pieces of my heart lay on the cold concrete of an empty New York sidewalk.

X X X X X X X X X X

**Three weeks later…**

It is finally starting to really get warm outside and it fills me with a feeling of happiness that the winter months had sucked out of me. Marie left for Paris last month so I am running the gallery which is incredibly easy. I leave the door open most days so the warm early summer breeze can fill the space. Today I even let the receptionist go early so its 2:30pm and I'm doing some paperwork at the front desk.

"They trust you enough to leave you in charge?"

Her words are teasing and I have to muster up the fake, happy smile I constantly have to make around her.

"Very funny Ashley," she's smiling at me and it dazzles me, "to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?"

We've been running into each other accidently for the past week and it is always painful for me. What sucks even more is I've realized this is how she felt for months. If I have to take much more of this I'm moving to Siberia.

This is the first time either of us have intentionally sought the other out after Kyla's birthday party fiasco. Soon after Amy dumped me for good and who can blame her really? I have no idea if Ashley's seeing that skank.

"I wanted to come by and just say 'hi' I guess." Those brown eyes are practically twinkling and there's this playful smile hanging around her mouth. She looks the happiest I have ever seen her.

I can't help but smile at her, "Oh do you want some coffee? I just brewed some." She looks scared at the prospect of drinking coffee I have made but I'll have you know I've gotten kick ass at making coffee.

"Uh sure," she says, propping herself against the front counter, "you look beautiful by the way."

The words almost make me drop the coffee pot and I can feel the blush all the way to my toes.

"Thank you," I whisper as I hand her a mug and I enjoy the look of surprise on her face when she tastes my new skills, "did you find your own apartment yet?"

Glen had mentioned that she was looking but hadn't found anything. Apartment shopping in New York sucks. She executes an adorable eye roll and takes a slow sip of coffee, surprise lighting up her face.

"First, this coffee is fantastic," the shock is clear in her voice, "second, no it is impossible to find a decent place to live. But I cannot stay where I am. Those two are driving me nuts."

For the first time since she's been back I see a little bit of make up on her face and I notice she's back to wearing more form fitting clothing. Seriously you should see her ass in those jeans.

"Actually," I pry my eyes away from her jeans, "there's an opening in my building just across the hall from me. Wanna go check it out?"

Ashley's smile almost knocks me out of my chair as she nods enthusiastically. Of course I haven't thought this through all the way. If she takes this apartment she'll be right there, so close yet so far away. I'll have to see her every day and I won't be able to have her.

I'm an idiot.

**Thanks everybody! I know its jumping forward in time in spots but its what needs to be done **** love you all **


	13. Chapter 13

**I own no part of SON**

**Peace and love to all! **

**Two weeks later…**

My whole body aches as I push one last time. I swear this damn couch weighs a million pounds. The couch finally slides through the doorway and I squeal in victory.

"Quit being weird."

Glen sneers at me so I do the mature thing and stick my tongue out at him, big jerk.

"I take pride in enjoying small victories," I flop down on the couch I just hauled up the stairs, "where's your useless girlfriend?"

Someone slaps the back of my head, "I'm not useless!"

Ah she's standing right behind me. A husky chuckle fills my head and I try to act like my stomach just didn't perform a somersault at the sound.

"Oh come on Kyla, all you did today was boss us around." Kyla pouts at her sister's comment and hands me a water bottle. It's the middle of June and it feels like it is 100 degrees outside so moving Ashley into her apartment hasn't been fun.

Oh and what else isn't fun is the fact that she's moving into the apartment literally right across the hall from me…cool.

"So we're gonna take off. We have to get cleaned up and then the network is having a party." Glen takes Kyla's hand and we all exchange goodbyes.

Now it's just Ashley and I standing in her box filled apartment. The silence is roaring in my head and Ashley's staring at the space directly to the left of where I'm sitting.

"So if you're all set I guess I'll walk the five steps home." I try to finish with what I think is a funny chuckle but it just comes out kind of awkward and creepy.

Without even looking at me she nods and clears her throat.

"Right, thanks for the help Spencer."

I wait a beat and stare at her thinking maybe she'll look at me because honestly these days that's what I live for, her gaze always warms me. When her eyes close I decide maybe she is not looking at me on purpose so I slowly start to let myself out of her apartment.

At the door I pause and ask the question that I'm sure is nagging both of us.

"This isn't gonna be weird right? I mean you and I this close, we can make it work?"

I don't bother to turn around because depending on her answer I don't wanna see her face, her reaction.

"God I hope not," she pauses and I hear her take a single step towards me, "but my first impression is yeah, this is gonna be super awkward for a while."

I don't answer but just walk the small space to my apartment. When I close my door behind me I slide down the closed door and crumble to the floor. There's a dull pain in my chest that I recognize, it's the same pain I've been feeling for quite some time now.

Sometimes I can convince myself that the ache is just a pulled muscle and sometime I can talk myself into the idea that there actually isn't pain there at all and that my mind is playing tricks on me.

For a moment I close my eyes and delve into my memories to find one from a simpler time. I'm 18 and I am snuggled with Ashley in her bedroom. It's an innocent embrace and we're happy. I hold tight to this memory until the pain in my chest lessens and only then do I open my eyes to the agonizing reality of my current life.

**Several Weeks later…**

The end of summer is near and that fall weather is almost here. I can feel it in a cooler breeze every now and then or the occasional leaf that drifts slowly down from the branch of a tall tree.

This is what I'm thinking about as I walk home from work on a Wednesday evening. I know, my life is way exciting. Once I reach my apartment building my stomach drops and I dread climbing the stairs.

I dread the top of the stairs because up those steps is the woman that I'm trying desperately to get over but I just can't seem to kick the habit. I need a patch or something. There are days when I must not be quiet whilst coming home and Ashley will come out in the hallway to say hi and try to talk with me. These days I avoid her and speak in one word answers. It's best for my health that way.

Tonight is not my lucky night, she's already out in the hallway.

"Oh hey Spencer," she gives me a quick smile, "I didn't know you were going to be home right now."

I can't help but scoff in disbelief because I come home at the same time every day.

"Ok."

My fingers aren't working and I can't seem to find the right key to my door. The brunette just stands behind me, staring holes into my back.

"How was work?"

She's trying to be friendly with me and I just don't have the patience for it anymore.

"Fine."

Damn keychain with five billion keys on it. I can feel her take another step closer to me and I hear her release a deep sigh.

"You won't even look at me anymore," she sounds defeated, "did I do something wrong?"

Guilt surges through me but I finally find the right key and my door swings open, making relief replace the guilt.

"I can't do this right now Ashley. I'm exhausted." I walk through my door and when I try to close it behind me it bounces back to me.

When I turn around she's standing in my apartment glowering at me.

"You don't get to just ignore me Spencer." She shakes her head and slowly closes the door behind her, "It's been weeks since you've even really spoken to me and we go days without you even looking at me. When you do finally speak it is one word at a time and when you look at me I feel like you hate me. What's going on?"

She's not crying but pain is written all over her face behind those horrible scars.

"Listen I really don't think you want me to get into this." And the truth is I don't even know how to explain myself.

"No, I want to know what's going on. Now."

Her tone is demanding and it pisses me off.

"You know what? Fine but just remember that I didn't want to say any of this to you." I take a deep breath and watch her steady herself against my counter, "I can't be around you but I can't not be around you. I'm mad all the time because none of this is fair. It isn't fair that we broke up in high school, it isn't fair that our stupid siblings have this perfect relationship, it isn't fair that you got hurt so bad, and it isn't fair that I thought you were dead. But the worst thing, the thing that hurts and frustrates me the most is this," I take a step closer to her and I can smell her perfume, "it isn't fair that you loved me when I couldn't return the feelings and now, now I love you and you either don't feel the same or are oblivious. My life has become a fucking cliché, an empty miserable cliché. And the worst part is I can't talk to my best friend about it because I'm in love with her. I don't talk to you and I don't look at you because I'm trying to protect myself."

I finish talking and my words have drained me of energy. I let my head droop and I close my eyes hoping that when I open them Ashley will be gone but the longer I stand with my eyes closed, the stronger the smell of her perfume gets.

I slowly open my eyes and find Ashley standing right in front of me. She's breathing heavily and her jaw is clenched. There's anger in her eyes but the longer I stare into her gaze the more the anger fades.

"Ashley I-"

"Shut up."

I straighten up and my mouth drops open. What the hell?

"Excuse me?"

"God I said shut up."

Before I can even say anything else her lips land on mine. It's the softest, gentlest kiss I've ever had and it's perfect. The kiss only last a few seconds before she pulls away only to rest her forehead against mine.

We are both breathing deeply and I bring my hands up to rest against her neck. She still flinches ever so slightly at the touch but I keep my hands there.

"Ashley." I choke out her name through the tears that have all of a sudden started falling. I close my eyes to try and stop the tears and I feel her wipe away the streams running down my face.

Then she pulls away suddenly and there's a panicked look on her pretty face. Wait no don't freak out.

"I-I should go." Her voice wavers slightly and she's looking at me with desperation but I don't know why.

"Whoa, wait a second," I grab her hand and hold on tight, "you can't just leave now. Just take a breath and, and chill."

My brain is scrambling and my heart thumps wildly in my chest. For the first time in what seems like forever I really feel alive.

She nods and takes several deep, slow breaths. After a few moments the wild look disappears from her face and there's even a small smile playing on her face.

"Thank you Spencer."

"You're welcome," then I grin full blown and can't stop, "you kissed me."

To my surprise, and delight, a deep blush washes over her scarred face and neck.

"Yeah."

Now I'm standing right in front of her grinning and wiggling around like an excited puppy. I'm so pathetic.

"Ashley, I'm going to kiss you again."

She scowls and shakes her head.

"Nah, I'm good thanks." Her voice is teasing and the scowl is replaced by that devilish smirk that I love so much.

I lean closer and bump my nose against hers before pressing my lips to hers. She smiles against my mouth and the kiss is soft and quick again. I know better than to push her further than that right now.

"This isn't going to be easy is it?" I whisper the words, afraid of saying them too loud.

She simply chuckles, "When was the last time anything was easy for us?"

Ashley kisses my cheek and slips out my door without another word. I stare at the space she just occupied with a stupid smile on my face for another five minutes before I snap out of it.

We kissed, twice. I love her but she didn't say if she loves me. Still ok though. She said 'us' but what does 'us' mean?

Stop stop stop it! I'm overthinking this and I need to just have a celebratory beer. The rest of the night I spend in front of my TV watching old Friends reruns and drinking beer, the whole time replaying the kisses over and over in my head.

Perhaps everything will turn out just fine…right?

**Thanks to all for everything. You guys rock. **


	14. Chapter 14

**I own no part of SON **

A soft rap at my bedroom door starts to pull me from sleep. What the hell? Did I give someone a key? The sudden realization that I most definitely did not give someone a key scares me into being wide awake. I sit straight up in bed and reach behind my bed frame to grab the miniature bat I have hidden there.

Another soft tap on my door forces me to slink off my bed and squish myself against the wall, my trusty bat raised in attack position. The creature/person on the other side of the door releases a ragged sigh and I freeze in terror as I watch my doorknob turn.

"Shit, gonna drop the fuckin coffee." The familiar husky voice instantly crushes my fears but now I'm standing there with a bat staring Ashley in the face.

"Uh 'morning Ashley." I give her a sheepish smile as she quirks an eyebrow at me.

"Really Spence?" there's amusement in her voice, "What were you planning to do with that puny thing?"

How dare she insult my bat? But the way she's grinning makes me forgive her words and I can't help but smile at her.

"You brought me coffee?" I am ashamed to say I squeal with delight. The bat is dropped and we both sit on the floor, our backs leaning against my bed.

She takes a slow sip before speaking again, "I am sorry I scared you but I wanted to surprise you."

"Well baby you can scare me any day if you keep bringing me treats like this." My hand acts on its own accord and squeezes her leg, her mostly bare and surprisingly toned leg. Dear god.

Her eyes close at the contact and there's this small smile on her face that just melts my heart. I can't stop staring at her and it makes me wonder how other people refrain from marveling at her. And all of a sudden I want to be closer to her. I scoot my body nearer so we're touching and her eyes open at my movements.

"I'm sorry but I," how do I explain all these feelings? "I needed to be near you." How do I tell her I feel like she's going to slip through my fingers again? The loss would probably kill me.

Her smile tells me its ok and her hand cups my face.

"I've missed you," her voice is soft and low, "like more then I want to admit."

I try to keep my shit eating grin in check but it's really not working. I slowly lean closer and press a very gentle kiss to her cheek, letting it linger when I hear her sigh contentedly.

"Me too Ash and now unfortunately I have to go to work."

Ashley nods in understanding but neither of us move, we just keep staring at each other. Her gaze is incredibly penetrating and those horrible marks on her face only add to the intensity of it all.

"I should leave so you can go work." She whispers and for a second I think she's going to lean in to kiss me but she sits back instead. The disappointment must be clearly written all over my face because she bites her lip in amusement before saying, "aww baby why are you pouting?"

"I'm not pouting." I scoff and scramble to my feet, hoping the obvious frustration leaves my face.

"No you are totally pouting," she's laughing now, "is it because you have to go to work?"

Ashley's standing there leaning against my doorframe, grinning and she's so beautiful, so happy that it makes my knees buckle. I've missed that grin, those eyes, and that uncontrollable hair; I've missed everything.

"Well I'll miss you while I'm at work." I try to keep my tone happy but my voice breaks slightly, making her face drop with concern. And now I miss that goofy grin.

She walks up to me and places her hands on my shoulders, "How bout I promise I'll be home when you get back? I'm not going anywhere."

She gives me a quick peck before retreating from my room and I instantly miss her. This can't be healthy, this need to be around her constantly. Of course I have no idea what is even going on between the two of us. I don't think we're actually together but something's happening.

These thoughts and many of a similar nature are bouncing around my head as I walk into the gallery.

"Ah Spencer darling," Marie's voice booms from her office, "I wanted to speak with you."

I cringe without thinking and plaster a fake smile on my face before stepping into her intimidating office. She's wearing this bright purple dress and sharp red lipstick. It looks funny.

"Yes Marie, can I do something for you?" I give her my best smile.

"Yes, I need you to go to this schmoozing event at this club later this week," she absentmindedly hands me a flyer, "let me know how many people you are taking and I'll make arrangements. That's all."

She gives a wave of her hand and I quickly walk into the much more comfortable space of the gallery. Well that was easy enough. A swift glance at the flyer and I realize I have no idea where this place is, I'll ask Kyla.

The gallery is completely dead today and Marie slips out the back a little after one so I send the receptionist away too. I like it better here when I'm alone. I watch the leaves drift off the tree branches as I gaze out the window, trying to keep all my panic and emotions at bay.

I'm not stupid, I know I'm feeling too much too fast with Ashley. I can't help but feel like if I keep this up I'll end up getting burned. She's too fragile for anything too fast, too intense.

The sight of my blonde twin bustling across the street towards the gallery makes me grin and I jump out from behind the desk and into his arms.

"Hey Spence!" He squeezes me tightly to his bulky frame and then gently kisses the top of my head. I love him.

"Glen," I smile into his eyes that are so similar to my own, "what are you doing here?"

He smirks and then pulls a giant cookie out of his jacket pocket. Oh. Dear. Lord. I know what that is!

"Jeanie made cookies again and I snagged one for you." His eyes dance with mischief and I squeal in delight.

"Ah Glen you're my freaking hero! Thank you thank you thank you." I grin and grab the cookie greedily, ripping the clear plastic wrap to shreds. Seriously these are the best cookies ever, almost better than sex…almost. My eyes close at the first bite and I don't stop the groan of satisfaction.

"You wanna come to our place for dinner tonight? And you have cookie crumbles…like everywhere." He makes a disgusted face and motions to my whole face. Oops.

I finish chewing my cookie before answering, "I'd love dinner. Want me to talk to Ashley and bring her too?"

Glen gives me a skeptical look, "How's living next to her?"

He didn't answer my question.

I narrow my eyes and try again, "Want me to bring Ashley?" I know he notices my blatant refusal to answer his question and he knows better than to push me about it.

"Yeah bring her," he gives me a pat on the head before saying, "alrighty, I gotta get going. See you tonight, say sevenish?"

I nod in agreement and then he disappears into the busy New York street. I glance at my watch, barely after three…screw this I'm out of here. But totally not because I'm dying to see Ashley if that's what you're thinking…

X X X X X X X X X X

My excitement mounts as I climb the stairs to where I live but my face falls when she's not out in the hallway and doesn't emerge from her room as I let myself into my apartment. Hmm maybe she's napping.

I grab a beer out of my fridge and plop down on my worn in couch, releasing a deep sigh. After about twenty minutes of mindless TV and my brain not calming down I decide to go across the hall.

I knock three times and frown when there's no answer.

"Ashley! You in there?" I press my ear against the door and strain to hear anything. After several agonizing seconds I hear shuffling feet, bout damn time.

The door cracks open and I'm met with wild eyes.

"Yeah?"

Her eyes are bloodshot and her normally husk voice is even rougher, overall she looks crazy.

"Ashley," I speak softly, "you ok?"

She scowls, "Why are does everyone keep asking me that? I'm fine."

Ok, she's pissed about something and we're still standing there with the door mostly in between us.

"Well people are worried, we care."

"Stop asking me."

And then I notice she's holding a piece of paper and she's shaking slightly as if something inside her is about to snap. I have to be careful about what I do next.

"Ok, I'll stop," I give the door a gentle push and she gives about an inch, "would you like to come to dinner at Kyla's at 7?"

"Probably not."

Ashley's whole body is shaking so bad right now that the door is rattling.

"Ash, what's going on?"

Her eyes widen and her face hardens, "Nothing."

I am not stupid, "Seriously let me help you with whatever it is."

And that simple statement causes a nuclear explosion.

"I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP DAMNIT! I CAN FIGURE IT OUT MYSELF!"

She tries to slam the door but I squeeze my way into her apartment, which could very well make this situation worse.

"Whoa, what the hell Ashley?"

She whirls around and comes at me and it scares me slightly because the look in her eyes is something I've never seen.

"Leave me alone Spencer! I'm not some helpless creature. I've been that and I won't be like that ever again. Do you understand? Ever again!"

And now the picture has come more into focus. In her mind everything she ever does will always be reflective of what happened to her. Ashley doesn't want to do anything that reminds her of that time when she couldn't save herself.

She's crying silent tears, standing in front of me quivering from head to toe.

"Shh, its ok," I run my hands down her arms and I watch as her resolve breaks, "come 'ere."

The last bit of strength she has crumbles as she collapses into my arms.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry so so sorry. Spencer please…" And she just cries and cries while she says my name over and over again. I hold her tight and occasionally press kisses to her curly hair, praying that someday she won't be so haunted by these demons.

Finally Ashley's breathing evens out and she pulls her face from it being nestled into the crook of my neck. I give her an encouraging smile and we share a look of understanding.

"I don't wanna talk about it yet, ok?" Her voice is pleading and she's the picture of exhausted.

I rest my forehead against hers, "Dinner with our siblings?" I get a grateful smile in return.

**Thank you thank you thank you! You guys rock. **


	15. Chapter 15

**I own no part of SON**

**Peace and love to all. **

I watch her carefully as she gathers her jacket and purse to leave. We walk out of her apartment and before we even reach the stairs Ashley's hand grabs mine and she huddles against me.

Halfway down the stairs I pause, "Ash, did you lock up your apartment?" I had been so busy worrying about her I forgot to see if she locked her place up.

She gives me a small smile, "Yeah I did." And we continue on our way.

As we walk I talk. I talk and rattle on about everything and anything. I tell her about work, about music I've heard recently, about movies I want to see, about the puppy I want to buy, about my mother, and about things I don't even care about. But the longer I talk the more she relaxes and the brighter her smile becomes.

Her hand is warm in mine and every few feet she squeezes my hand, as if to check and make sure that small, intimate contact is still there. It always is.

We arrive at Glen's right as I finish explaining my irrational fear of fish. What? They don't blink and they're just gross. She's laughing at me now and the color is back in her face.

"Spencer that's the weirdest thing I've ever heard!" She manages to speak between bouts of laughter. It's so good to see her laughing again, even if it's at my expense. A grin is my response and before I can knock Ashley pulls me into a fierce hug.

"What's this for?" I mumble against her shoulder.

I feel her release a deep sigh, "Because you're just amazing."

Something inside me shifts and I think my heart's going to burst from all these feelings. There are so many things I feel right now and I can't make sense of them or articulate what they mean.

So instead of dwelling on whatever it is I'm feeling I simply smile at Ashley and knock twice before letting myself into Glen's apartment. Once in the apartment we're met by an unfortunate sight.

Glen has Kyla pushed up against the fridge and they're going at it like teenagers. I start to giggle and Ashley makes a mortified noise from beside me. When our siblings jump apart at the noise I laugh harder, making them both blush.

"Oh my god! I had no idea you guys were here!" Kyla's voice reaches an octave only dogs hear and she's still blushing a dark shade of red.

"Clearly." Ashley does not sound amused and I swear she's practically baring her teeth at my twin. Glen cringes and steps behind Kyla.

I grab Ashley's arm, "Easy, how many times did they catch us like that in high school? Or in even worse positions?"

This time Ashley and I both blush at the memories of our teenage days. I think Glen caught us making out dozens of times and Kyla walked in on us having sex…multiple times.

Glen clears his throat, "Wine anyone?" I hear him but I'm too busy staring at Ashley, reliving the past. She's smiling softly at me and I can almost see the 18 year old I first fell in love with.

"Yeah Glen I'd love some wine," I speak quietly and keep my eyes locked on Ashley's. The other two don't seem to notice our intimate moment because they are rambling on about mundane things and Kyla quickly pulls Ash away to show her a new outfit.

"Spence," I finally turn my gaze to my smirking twin, "you got it bad sis."

I shake my head, "What?"

"For Ashley, you got it bad for Ashley. I can totally tell."

Before I reply to my dear brother I take a minute. Yes, I care about Ashley on many different, complicated levels. Yes, I enjoy kissing her. No, we are not currently dating. Do I want to date her? I'm in a place where I'm looking for stability, she is the epitome of unbalanced.

"Yeah you're probably right but I-"

"No!" Glen interrupts me, "No 'buts' none of that bullshit. I've watched you be miserable for months and her too. Tonight is the happiest I've seen either of you since high school. If you care about each other what else even matters?"

Glen's staring at me with an intensity I rarely see in him and it startles me. I go to say something else but the Davies sisters rejoin us.

"Hey babe have you checked the chicken?" Kyla asks with a smile and peck to Glen's cheek. I'm still staring at him in disbelief at his outburst.

"I'll go look now." He walks briskly to the kitchen leaving me with Ky and Ashley.

I feel a hand on my lower back and then Ashley's eyes are probing mine, "Are you ok?" And just like that she shows me once again how well she knows me. Fear stops me from just collapsing into her arms and telling her over and over how much I love her. It's a fear of her leaving again, a fear of us not working, and it's a fear of losing too much of myself in her again.

"Yeah I'm fine." I'm a terrible liar and the way she quirks her eyebrow there's not a doubt in my mind that she's not buying it.

"Dinner!"

Thank god.

X X X X X X X X X X

We walk back to our apartment building in silence. We aren't mad at each other or anything like that. For me it is simply that I cannot find the right words to say to Ashley. Walking with Ashley is the same as it has been for as long as I've known her…but different too.

When we walk she still has a tendency to be a little faster than me and her gaze is straight ahead, focused on her destination while I prefer to watch her while we walk. This is how walking with her is the same. It's different because she can't walk without limping slightly, forcing her to walk in step with me. The confidence that used to be there in her stare as she walks is replaced by a cautious glare.

Her face has gone stony by the time we reach the building and there's a deep line in the middle of her forehead.

At the top of the stairs we both fiddle with keys, neither of us really wanting to say goodnight.

"Do you want to come in for a coffee?" my voice sounds unfamiliar and unsure. Her eyes dart to her door and I know she's thinking about that piece of paper I found her with earlier.

"Yeah," she sounds more confident than me, "that'd be great." I reach up and tuck a curl behind her ear, it makes her smile and I instantly relax.

When I walk into my apartment I can tell something is not quite right. There's a paper I don't remember buying sitting on my kitchen counter, there is an unrecognizable pair of boots on the mat, and a stereo is playing a Dispatch song quietly.

Ashley sees me tense up.

"What's wrong?" she has a hold of my arm and is peering around me.

"Someone is here." I whisper trying not to alert the intruder that I'm home.

All of a sudden Ashley is in front of me with a gun in her hands. Where the hell did she get that?

"Ashley." I hiss, "that is so not necessary."

When she looks at me gone are all traces of a warm, loving human being and instead she's the perfect picture of a hardened war vet.

"Just stay behind me." She growls before picking her way through my apartment. I hang back about two feet and almost wet myself when I hear her yell and then someone immediately scream.

"SPENCER!"

I fly into my bedroom and see Ashley pointing the gun right at a person's forehead. I flip on the light and the terrified eyes of Jillian are begging me for help.

"Ashley," I try to pull on her arm, "Ashley calm down. It's ok." But she's not calming down, she's shaking and her whole body is clenched, the gun still pointing at Jill.

"Spencer make her stop, please." Now Jill is crying and shaking with fear.

My heart is pounding and my blood has turned to ice but without thinking I step in between the gun and Jill.

As soon as I do Ashley's eyes go wide with shock and horror, her arm dropping to her side.

"I'm sorry…I-I couldn't…"

"JESUS! HOLY SHIT I THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA KILL ME!"

Ash turns on her heel and walks as briskly as she can out of my apartment.

"Damnit Jillian," I glare at my ex-girlfriend, "you couldn't call first or keep your damn mouth shut."

She scoffs and mutters, "I wanted to surprise you. What's with our girl anyway?"

I'm pissed, "She's not _our _girl. She's _my_ friend and you've probably just done some permanent damage." I regret that I say what I do when hurt flashes across Jill's pretty face.

"Fine, I'll just go so you can clean up my mess."

She shoulders past me into the living room and I sigh before chasing after her.

"Jill wait," I grab her wrist, "I'm sorry. I'm glad you're here but I do need to go talk to her real quick."

I give Jillian a tight hug and it's a familiar embrace that we've shared hundreds of times. She gives me a wide smile and flops down on the couch, like she never left.

I brace myself before crossing the hall to see Ashley. Her door is slightly ajar and no noise comes from the dark apartment.

"Ash?"

I slowly walk in to her apartment and I notice the gun is in separate pieces, sitting on her kitchen counter. It's a less ominous object when it's scattered in pieces.

"What if I'd shot her?" The tortured voice makes me jump, "Or what if I'd shot you?"

I whirl around and in the darkest corner of her bare living room Ashley is sitting on the floor, propped against the wall. She looks so small in the room and her eyes are wide with what might be frustration or maybe confusion.

I slide down the wall and prop myself next to the trembling Ashley. I'm careful not to touch her and I don't have a clue what to say to her.

We sit for what feels like hours before she speaks again, "I still don't sleep."

"Ok," my voice sounds so loud in the empty room, "what if you tried sleeping at my place for a night or two?"

"Spence…"

She sounds skeptical but I want to help any way I can.

"No you can come over tonight and sleep. And I'll stay up and watch you."

Those chocolate pools land on my face, "You've already done so much, you don't need to do this too. I just had a momentary set back. That's all."

I take a chance and close the distance between us, pressing a light kiss to her temple.

"Let me in, let me help." I whisper the words into her ear and I know she has given in when her hand tangles in my hair.

And right there on that cold floor, sitting with the shell of the person I used to know I have one of those life defining moments that most people don't realize they've had until it is too late. I would die for the woman next to me. I would kill for her. I would do anything to keep her from slipping away again.

**Sorry there has been such a delay. I'm back at work on this story and there should be more regular updates. Thank you all for your reviews, reads, and your patience. **


	16. Chapter 16

**I own no part of SON**

**Peace and love to all. **

It amazes me when Ashley falls into an almost instantaneous sleep when she settles onto my couch. It amazes me again when Jillian hovers nervously in the kitchen as I tuck the blankets around a slumbering, twitching Ashley. It is nearly midnight and I'm wide awake from the combination of coffee and nerves of watching Ashley.

"She gonna be ok?" Jill's face is pale and she's chewing anxiously on her bottom lip. I forgot she's not used to the weird rhythm that is my life now.

I retreat to the kitchen and lean against the counter next to Jill, "Yeah I think she'll be alright. Things have been rough but there are good days too."

"I'm guessing today was not a good day…"

Flashes of Ashley holding a gun, yelling in my face, and freaking out over mystery letters run through my head.

"Today was definitely not good," I look at Jill and she's staring at me with wide eyes, "what Jillian?"

She shrugs with a smile, "You look good Spence."

"Thanks. How was being away?" I keep my eyes directed towards the living room where small snores are floating through the air.

"It was amazing," she grins, "I saw things that I've always dreamed of. I saw mountains and the Grand Canyon and the ocean and met some incredible people. I learned a lot."

Her excitement is contagious, "That's great!"

"Yeah but," all of a sudden her eyes fill with sadness, "it was lonely and it made me realize that what I wanted after all I already had. I missed New York and I missed you."

I nod slowly, "Jill you just left and it was when I really needed you, even if I just needed you as a friend."

"I know," her words are laced with regret, "I freaked and left. It was a lot to handle…her coming back from the dead and I knew I'd lose you to her so I thought if I split first maybe it wouldn't hurt so damn bad."

And I get what she's saying. I understand the fear and confusion but I stayed this time. I was the adult and I'm still working through it all but now she can't expect to waltz back in and pick up where everything was before. Things have changed too much for that.

"I'm in love with her you know." It's the first time I've said the words out loud and it makes a warm sensation rush through my entire body, makes me feel alive.

"Yeah I figured…" her voice sounds small.

A silence settles over us in my darkened kitchen. It is nice to have Jill around again. As much as a person might think having an ex girlfriend/the girl that broke Ash and I up in high school would complicate things, I'm grateful for a friend. There's one thing that has always been true and that is that Jillian is a damn good friend.

"Spence," she tugs on my hand, "I want you to know I won't get in the way of you and her but I do care about you. I just want you to know that, ok?"

Her eyes shine and there's a subtle smile on her face, she's beautiful but there's no part of me that jumps at her, that needs her in any way other than friendly.

"Thanks Jill and I care about you too. I'm glad you're back." I squeeze her hand and throw a smile her way.

The dark haired girl beside me nods and pours herself another cup of coffee, "So has she told you what all happened to her over there?"

"No she hasn't," I sigh, "but she was seeing a therapist. Actually I have no idea if she still is."

And this makes me wonder if she stopped going and why she would quit therapy. It makes me realize we haven't really talked about anything other than our weird relationship and even that we've barely discussed.

"I'm sure she'll tell you eventually. It has to be hard for her," Jill shudders, "I can't imagine what they did to her."

"To be honest I'm not sure I want to know," a chill runs down my spine, "I'm afraid of knowing how damaged she really is. Sometimes she's so normal, so much like that girl from high school that I forget what she's been through."

Jill gives a big yawn next time me and it hits me how tired she looks. I fish Ashley's keys out of my pocket and hand them to her.

"What are these for?"

"You can stay in Ashley's place tonight," I pause when I hear Ashley turn over, "I'm sure she won't mind and I just don't have the room in here."

The brunette gives an appreciative smile, "Thanks, I'm going to go grab some sleep then. I am absolutely wiped. Goodnight Spencer."

"Night Jill."

When I hear my apartment door click closed it hits me how exhausted I am. I bury my face in my hands and rub my temples, the stress of today seems to have caught up to me. When I open my eyes Ashley is standing right in front of me and a scream catches in my throat.  
"Shit Ashley," I growl, "what the hell are you doing up?"

"I'm sorry," it's then I notice how red and swollen her eyes are, "I was having the worst dreams…I couldn't stay asleep."

I slowly reach out and cup her cheek, she doesn't flinch this time. My thumb traces the thin scars on her face and I watch as she relaxes at my touch.

"Ok, how about we just sit together on the couch?" Ashley simply nods and follows me to the couch. I place myself in one corner of the couch and much to my dismay Ashley sits in the other corner, out of touching range.

"I'm sorry I'm keeping you up so late." She throws me a half smile that doesn't reach her eyes. It makes my chest ache seeing her so upset.

"Stop," I scoot closer to her and take her hand, "I love being around you, even at two in the morning. I've really missed you so I'll take as much of you as I can get." This earns me a full fledged nose crinkling smile and shining eyes. It sends a rush of heat through me and there's a hum of spark between our hands.

For a moment she just stares at me and has this look on her face, this look like she can't really believe her luck.

"Spencer, what was your favorite memory of us? Ya know back in high school?" Her question catches me off guard.

"Uh give me a minute," I bite my bottom lip as I think back over our senior year. A hundred memories bombard me at once and at first it seems impossible to pick just one. And then it hits me, "when you told me you loved me. Remember at that cheerleading competition out of town? That was the first time we told each other we loved one another. That night was beautiful and back then I thought I could never love you any more than I did in that instant." She's nodding and smiling, I can practically see her reliving the memory, "What about you Ash? What's your favorite memory?"

Her eyes shine, "That first time you kissed me in the rain, after we had been fighting, remember?"

"Yeah I do remember." I can still feel that kiss sometimes, radiating through my whole body. It was the first time I'd ever felt really alive.

She sighs and brushes my bangs out of my face, "It was like I was lost. I was lost, wandering around with no purpose and then you saved me, that kiss saved me. I knew I loved you then, not a doubt in my mind."

The three words I want so desperately to say to her get stuck in my throat and I just smile through tear filled eyes. She leans forward and gives me a quick kiss, it only lasts a second but it thrills me. It thrills me because she initiated it, she kissed me.

"Ashley, are you still, still seeing somebody about what happened to you?" I hate to break the moment, to stop just drinking her in but I need to ask while I still have the courage.

She sits back and takes a deep breath, "Yeah, twice a week."

"Is it helping?"

We're both sitting cross legged on the couch facing each other. There is no contact this time. I miss it.

"I think so," she nods, "I mean it's still really hard to talk about. I want to tell you Spencer. I really do but it'll upset you and it's still painful for me to relive it. Just know I really want to tell you, I want to let you all the way in."

"Ashley, don't worry about me and don't push yourself for my sake." I rush the words, afraid she thinks I am unhappy with her.

"Spencer if, if I let you all the way in," she shakes her head, breaking eye contact with me and releases a shuddering breath before continuing, "and then something happens where we don't stay together, it'll kill me. I need you to promise you'll stay, that'll we'll make it because if we don't-"

"We will." I interrupt her unsure rambling, "I can't not be with you. It'd kill me too."

All of a sudden my eyes feel impossibly heavy and a gigantic yawn escapes me.

"You should go to bed." She chuckles huskily and it warms me all the way to my toes. I could listen to that sound for the rest of my life.

"Will you lay with me?"

Ashley nods and grabs my hand, practically dragging me to my room. I nestle into my covers and my beautiful brunette settles in next to me. We face each other with only inches of space separating us.

"Just sleep Spencer. I'll be here when you wake up." Her fingers trace all over my face and down my arm, the sensation lulls me to sleep. Before I fall into complete darkness I am able to mumble a few final words.

"I love you Ashley Davies."

I stay awake just long enough to see her reaction, a heart swooning smile, before I pass out into a blissful sleep.

**Thank you all. Your reviews are wonderful and give me ideas for the next chapter. I carefully read and take into consideration every criticism, idea, and praise. **


	17. Chapter 17

**I own no part of SON**

**I know I know. It's been what…well over a year? Well I did not perish in some freak accident or become a fugitive. Life happened and I became too wrapped up in everything to sit down and write. I've spent the past few days pouring over my two stories and reading all your reviews so I would be prepared to continue with this story. So here we go…hope you are all still with me.  
**

Something is tickling my nose. I twitch my face and hope that solves the problem because I was having the most fantastic dream and would like to continue with it. Another deep breath and my nose tickles even more. A lazy hand reaches up to swipe away whatever is the offender and that's when my fingers brush through the softest curl I've ever touched. It makes a smile spread across my face.

"Morning pretty girl," her voice is like music to my ears, even this early in the morning, "did I wake you?"

I open my eyes and realize I'm snuggled into the crook of her neck. In one hand she holds an old tattered novel and her free hand is stroking my hair. This moment is perfect.

"I don't mind." And I really don't because her eyes are twinkling and she's smiling at me. "What are you reading?"

I rub some sleep out of my eyes and sit up against the headboard, keeping myself as close to Ashley as possible.

She turns the book over in her hands, "Oh I hope you don't mind but I borrowed this old copy of 'Frankenstein' that I found in your apartment. I remember it from high school."

I scoff and quirk an eyebrow at my brunette. "Ash, I never saw you read in high school."

"Ok, ok I remember it being on your bed when we'd make out." She laughs and continues reading while her fingers lightly scratch my arm. And I'm a little ashamed to say I'm practically purring. When things are like this I can almost forget what happened last night.

Ashley seems so content I don't press her for answers quite yet. I sit against her and watch her read. There are slight creases in her forehead as her dark eyes scan the pages and she's chewing on her bottom lip.

"Hey Ashley?"

"Mmm, yeah Spence?" She sets her book down and turns her head to see me. I'm always caught slightly off guard by her scars.

I take a deep breath and continue, "We should really talk about yesterday. I mean that morning everything was great and then you got some letter and freaked out and then you pulled a gun on Jillian, granted it could have been a murderer, but anyway," I grab her hand, "what's going on?"

The twinkling eyes, the smile…they're gone and her face has gone stony. I almost regret bringing it up but I can't allow her to keep burying her issues.

"I got a letter from the army. I'm being summoned to the office here in New York but it didn't say why," suddenly she looks terrified again, "Spencer, what if they send me back? I can't go back. I can't…Spence, I wouldn't… I just can't."

I grab her hands and look her straight in the eyes, "We'll figure this out. I'll come with you, today. I'm here for you, ok?"

She takes a shuddering breath and squeezes my hands. "Ok, yeah maybe they just need paperwork or something. I'm going to shower. Can I use yours?"

I nod and she disappears into the bathroom. I sink deep in my bed and do my best to stifle my sobs. What am I going to do if they send Ashley back? I honestly think she'd do something stupid if they tried to ship her back. She'd run or hurt herself.

I don't have much time to dwell on these thoughts because Ashley pokes her head out of the bathroom.

"Spence, got an extra towel?" there's water dripping from her hair and she looks adorable. I hop off the bed and grab an extra towel to hand to her.

"Here ya go." I give her a quick smile and her reply is a sweet kiss to my cheek. I struggle to hold it together as she slips back into the privacy of the bathroom. I rack my brain on how to handle this situation…I'll call Paula.

As I'm dialing her number I pause, already knowing what her advice would contain. It would be similar to when I finally told her the truth about me and Ashley and the war…

_Paula sits across from me in my apartment with a stern look on her face. _

"_Honey, let me get this straight," I've just told her what really happened back in high school and Ashley's current predicament/recovery from the war, "Ashley kissed another girl so you dumped her?" _

"_Yes mother." Quick answers are the key. _

"_Makes sense," she takes a slow breath, "and then she ran away to join the army but you came back and made a piss poor attempt to get a hold of her." _

_My mouth drops open, "Moth-" _

"_I'm not done." And just like that I shut up, "So you run back to New York and then Ashley sends you love letters…how many did she send?" _

_I do not want to answer, my mother won't like the sheer volume of letters. I shake my head and that woman who is supposed to be on MY side just stares me down. _

"_Fine. She sent 219 letters mother and I get it ok? I get it. I'm shit and now, now she doesn't want hardly anything to do with me and I deserve it because I'm a bad person. She almost DIED and I didn't take the time to read all her letters and write back. I suck" _

_I bury my face in my hands and let the guilt consume me. It washes through my whole body and makes me feel like puking. All of sudden I feel my mom's comforting hand rubbing my back. _

"_Spencer, sweetie, you are so young. You are allowed to make mistakes and so is Ashley but now she needs you. She needs a rock, a friend. And honestly honey, I don't think she needs just any old friend…" I bring my eyes to meet hers and mom is giving me a warm smile, "Spencer you are exactly what she needs."_

I set down my phone and silently thank Paula Carlin for her wisdom. No matter what happens I have to put Ashley first and for the first time in my life I believe I'm truly ready to do that for my gorgeous brunette.

My gaze stays trained on the bathroom door and all I can hear is my own heartbeat. Three deep breaths later Ashley comes back into my room and sits next to me on the bed.

"Let's do this now." Her voice is steady, her gaze is intense and her strength blows me away. Mostly because I'm practically shaking and a cold chill covers my body. How she has it so together I have no idea.

I nod and grab her hand, "I'm here."

It seems as if I blacked out because all of a sudden we are standing in front of the army recruitment office and I don't remember walking here. Ashley's jaw is clenched and I can see the muscles in her arms tense up.

"Ash," I tug on her hand and get no response, "Ashley, look at me." Her gaze slowly meets mine and a slight smile graces her face, "Want me to wait out here?"

"Yeah if you stay right here that'd be great," she takes a deep breath and then mutters more to herself than me, "I don't intend for this to take long."

With a fear filled mind I watch Ashley ascend the stone steps into what I can only imagine is her own personal Hell. I wrestle with the desire to do what she wishes and wait or to bust into that building and protect her from this.

Instead I just pace the sidewalk in front of the building. I can only imagine what the pedestrians passing by think.."oh another young recruit trying to decide whether or not to join" or maybe they think I lost someone in the war and have come here to voice my grief. That one is closer to the truth. I did lose someone in the war.

The Ashley I knew died over there and a damaged woman came back in her place. Lucky for me I love both Ashleys.

My phone buzzes in my pocket and I check the text.

**Marie: Spencer, darling…how many tickets for tomorrow night? **

Shit forgot all about kissing ass at that event.

**Me: Five max. Tks. **

**Marie: Spencer, please text like you know English. I'll leave five on your desk. **

**Me: Thank you Marie**

I roll my eyes at my boss's immaculate spelling via text and make a mental note to invite Kayla, Glen, Ash, and Jill to the party.

Right as I slip my phone back to its proper resting place the doors to the office fly open and a wide eyed Ashley appears. I'm frozen. For some unknown reason I cannot make my legs take me to her. I swear in that moment my heart stops beating.

Brown eyes meet mine and then a earth shattering grin is thrown my way. Just like that my legs spring into action and I am instantly in front of her, gathering her into my arms.

With my face buried in her hair I mumble, "I'm guessing by the smile it is good news?"  
"Medals." Is all she can manage to say with her face still pressed to my neck and her arms still circled around me.

We finally untangle ourselves and take off for the nearest coffee shop.

"So like why couldn't they just state in the letter that they were awarding you two medals," my adrenaline is pumping and my words come out rushed, "like did they not realize they would scare the shit outta you by sending you a cryptic message?"

Ashley's grin has died down to a smile but it still shines brighter than the sun, "Who cares?"

And she's right.

**Thank you for all the reviews and I hope you continue to stick with me. I take all your reviews into account while I write. **

**Stay classy. **


	18. Chapter 18

**I own no part of SON**

"Red or black?" I hold up the two dresses in an attempt to get a real answer from my twin.

"Ugh," he sighs, "why am I the one helping you pick out a dress again?"

I scowl at my blonde brother before turning my attention back to the two dresses, "You are here because Kayla is working and I can't very well shop for the dress I need to impress Ashley, with Ashley. God, Glen keep up."

All of my friends have agreed to come to the event at whatever bar Marie needs me at. Well except Jill. She gave me her apologies and then said she was taking off for Chicago. Right now I can't worry about Jillian skipping town. I'm too focused on Ashley. This will be her first real public affair since her incident overseas.

The murmur of other shoppers acts as the soundtrack to our outing as I drag Glen through the department store.

"Uh red I guess," he waves a hand at the red dress and sits on the ground, "why is this such a big deal anyway? She's like crazy about you. You kind of already have it in the bag."

I sit down next to my brother and release a deep breath, "I owe her so much Glen. I feel like I've let her down and she still loves me so much. And looking nice for her for one night is a small step in the right direction."

"Oh Spencer," he circles his arm around me, "if she heard you talk like that she'd be pissed. You guys have had some ups and downs but you keeping your distance at first…she would never blame you for that, none of us do. High school and all that drama is in the past. You guys should be excited about where your relationship is going now…as adults. I'm sure she's so glad to have you in her life now."

"That makes sense but I still feel like I just haven't been all she's needed and I'm determined to do everything I can for her." I struggle to explain to Glen that I have felt lacking. I feel that I owe my brave and wonderful brunette. Maybe it's that my words have been harsher than hers or maybe it's because I rejected her first…I can't pinpoint why I feel so crappy about us. Whatever the reason I have sworn that I will make it up to her. .

He shakes his head and stands up, "The red one for sure Spence. She won't be able to stop staring…guaranteed."

X

I fluff my hair one more time and apply some last minute mascara before stepping out into the hall. Right as I'm closing my door I hear Ashley's door open. I take a few seconds to compose myself before I turn around because this moment, this night is huge. This will be out first real date and I owe her everything.

When I turn around I grin with happiness and excitement. Ashley is standing there staring at me with shining eyes and a crinkly grin that makes my knees buckle.

"You look," she clears her throat, "wow."

And she looks wow too. This is the first time I've seen her with makeup on since she got back and with it on you can barely see the scars. Her hair is pulled loosely back and a black fedora rests on her head. It matches her black slacks and vest. She is the picture of super sexy yet incredibly classy. It makes my head swim and the butterflies in my stomach to go on high alert.

I blush and nod, "You too...look wow." And this gets her to blush so now we are both standing in front of each other blushing and staring at one another.

"Should we go then?" Ashley breaks the staring contest and holds out her hand, I take it without hesitation. She grins at the contact sending the butterflies into another frenzy.

I can barely focus enough to put one foot in front of the other. All I can feel is Ashley's hand in mine, all I can smell is Ashley's sweet perfume, and all I can see are those curls, those dark eyes, that smile. Every few steps her eyes meet mine and she gives my hand a squeeze coupled with a bright smile.

We walk for twenty minutes without talking, just enjoying each other's company before we stop in front of a dark bar with a neon sign.

"The _Tap Room_…really Spence?" She's staring at the sign with caution on her face, "Is this a gay bar? And like that's totally cool, I mean obviously because I'm…, what I mean is I guess I just didn't expe-"

I put my hand over her mouth and her eyes widen with surprise, "Stop rambling. It's not a gay bar and I wouldn't bring you to one because I know you think they are stupid."

"Right," she sighs, "thanks."

She takes a step towards the entrance and I pull her back to where I'm standing.

"Spencer, you ok?" Her eyes sweep my face and the concern written all over her face makes my heart skip a beat. She's looking at me like she used to back in high school…only better. I can't describe it.

"Before we go in there and be all coupley and cute and have fun I need to say something," I take a deep breath and stare into those dark eyes I love, "I'm so sorry." She opens her perfect mouth to protest, "No Ashley, don't say anything. Since you came back, hell even before then, I have acted poorly. I mean I can't believe I said you didn't love me back in high school. Ash, I knew you loved me back then and I still know that you loved me back then."

Her jaw is clenched and she's staring at me with watery eyes and a half smile.

"Maybe that was part of our problem back in high school. Ashley I loved you so much it scared me back then. I mean we were kids and I needed you so much that at the first sign of a real problem I bolted, and I'm sorry for that. And I'm sorry that I didn't write you back when you were overseas and I'm sorry I wasn't there right away when you came back alive. I was so terrified to get close to you again. I'm not trying to excuse how I've acted but you need to know something inside me died when I got the news you were missing. It's like my heart slowed down. It didn't stop because I could feel the pain so sharply and so intensely. But it was like my life was in slow motion and then you came back."

Her hand is shaking in mine but I have to finish, I have to say everything now before I chicken out again so I push on…

"You came back but not really. You were so damaged and so different. And I was a bad friend to you. I should have been better. I need you to know I'm here now and I'm not going anywhere, no matter what happens. I-I love you. You don't need to say it back, in fact don't. Tell me when you mean it. Tell me you love me when it comes out without you even thinking about it." She's grinning at me now and I'm falling even deeper in love with her, "so let's go have fun now that I've been all super serious and stuff."

"Thank you. You are better at all this than you think." Her eyes are twinkling and her grin is blinding.

We walk hand in hand into the bar and I'm floored. To call it a bar is an injustice but it's not a club either. Lounge, lounge is the correct word to describe this place. The lighting is low, there is comfortable looking furniture everywhere, a small dance floor is by the DJ, and said DJ is playing soft rock. The result is couples slow dancing on the small space. I like it.

I pull Ashley towards the bar and instantly notice Glen and Kayla near the far end.

"I thought you guys were never coming!" Glen practically yells and it's definitely not necessary here. He must be at least 5 drinks deep. Judging by the annoyed look on Kyla's face I must be right.

"We walked slowly." Ashley answers and gives me a coy smile. I die.

I order us drinks and then turn to my friends, "Ok sorry guys but I have to go 'work the crowd' for a while," I squeeze Ash's hand, "I'll be back shortly. Ok Ash?"

"Go do your job. I'll hang out with these two," she leans in close, "plus I can't wait to watch Ky continue to get pissed at your brother."

The gallery's art is displayed everywhere. I find Marie in the back gloating about her gallery and what a wonderful collection we have. To be honest I can't remember the last time she actually looked at the art displayed on our walls.

As I'm talking to a potential client, green eyes meet mine across the room and I excuse myself to go greet him.

"Oh my god Aiden," I give him a quick hug, "I didn't know you'd be here!"

His laughter rings in my ears, "I made an impromptu visit. And I'm glad I did. These pieces are wonderful."

He gestures at the paintings behind him and I shrug.

"You have to come say hi to everyone, " I slap his arm and take off for the bar.

Kyla is sitting in Glen's lap and Ashley is talking excitedly to her when I reach them. Her face becomes a mask at who I brought with me.

"AIDEN DENNISON NO SHIT!" Glen shouts at his old high school rival. The two men shake hands and share a shit eating grin, I watch with a smile. As Kyla and Aiden exchange hellos I feel Ashley practically drag me into her lap.

"Ashley," Aiden extends a hand, "I heard what happened to you. Good to see you out and about."

She gives his hand a quick shake and then wraps her arms around me again. I love it.

Glen and Aiden move further down the bar to order shots and Kyla is immediately standing in front of me.

"Ok I know you don't like the fellas anymore and I know you're with my oh so lovely sister," Kyla takes a sharp breath, "but he is GORGEOUS and totally crushing on you Spence."

"Thank you Kyla," Ashley deadpans and turns to the bartender, "Jack and Coke please."

I grab her arm, "Ash, I thought you weren't supposed to drink?" When she gives me a 'don't tell me what to do' look I put my hands up and return my attention to the other Davies sister.

"Kyla, he's nice and I don't mind chatting with him but obviously it's not anything but friendly." Ashley has relinquished her hold on me to pay for her drink and talk to the bartender. I miss the possessive grasp.

"Oh I know but I don't think you see how he's looking at you," she winks and I wonder if she's intentionally trying to piss off her sister. Ashley almost growls next to me and then all of a sudden her arm is around me again.

"Glen is a shot machine!" Aiden's gruff voice breaks into our girl chat and Ashley is practically snarling at him. How can she not see I'm so deep in everything her that Aiden hardly exists?

Fifteen minutes and two more drinks for Ashley later, Aiden gets a phone call and excuses himself for the night. Glen is pretty hammered and I'm starting to think Ashley is a little drunk too. Her hands have started to wander and they keep landing on my ass.

Her and Kyla keep giggling about old high school memories.

"Oh my god I forgot you caught Spencer and I together in the pool!" A deep laugh escapes the beautiful brunette and she beams up at me from her bar stool.

"It's not really a sight someone just forgets," Kyla rolls her eyes but looks so thrilled at Ashley's good mood.

I snort, "Ky, you stood there for twenty minutes yelling at us. We were bare ass naked in the pool the whole time! I hadn't been scolded like that in years."

We all three start laughing and that's when I notice Glen hasn't joined in for a while. I almost spit out my drink when I finally see what happened to him.

My dear, idiot brother is passed out on the bar. His face is on the bar and both his hands are palm down on either side of his head, small snores escape his wide open mouth. Kyla rolls her eyes and goes to his side to try and rouse him.

When I turn to say something to Ashley she's standing and giving me a warm smile, her body almost flush against mine.

"You look so beautiful Spence," she cups my cheek with one hand while the other pulls me even closer, "I can't keep my eyes off you."

"And apparently you can't keep your hands off my ass." I quirk an eyebrow as her hand drops lower and she just grins.

"You are making me feel 18 again tonight." She says softly and then lays a sweet kiss on my forehead. "I want to be with you like…physically but Spence I don't know if I can right now." Her eyes get worried and sad all of a sudden and I miss the previous mischief.

"Hey," I tilt her chin up with my finger, "I'm perfect right now, here like this, with you. I don't need any more than this."

I've never said truer words in my life.

**Thank you for your reviews about my return. I am lucky so many of you are still with me. Here's to each of you. **


	19. Chapter 19

**I own no part of SON **

Our walk back to the apartment building is filled with laughter and memories. She's unsteady as she walks and my arm stays circled around her waist, steering her in the right direction. The light in her eyes and her flushed cheeks make me think she had more to drink than I thought.

"You were so nervous Ash," I giggle at her, "I seriously thought you were going to pass out!"

Another deep laugh escapes her, "I thought your mom was going to kill me! Maybe she thought I turned her baby into a lady lovin, Satan worshipping witch." She finishes with grand arm gestures. She's too adorable.

"Mom never even batted an eye about me being gay," I frown, "weird it's like she already knew."

"Spence, let's get real. She probably heard us all the time." Ashley wiggles her eyebrows at me and I can't bite back the laughter. God It feels so good to be around her again, it's like a missing piece of me has slid back into place.

"Here we are!" I keep my grip on Ash as I let us into the building and her arm stays casually flung over my shoulders.

"Any chance you want to carry me up the stairs?" She's whining like she used to when we were eighteen.

"Sure get on."

My answer must surprise her because she's staring at me with wide eyes.

"For serious Spence?" the excitement is clear in her voice and is coming off her in waves. It almost knocks me off my feet to see her reduced to a child.

"For serious Ash," I pull her closer, "climb up."

She doesn't climb, nor does she gently get on my back…she vaults herself on my back and fastens a death grip around my shoulders. I stumble two steps forward before I regain balance.

"Sorry Spence!" she practically yells in my ear but I don't mind. Her giggles are echoing in my head and her face is pressed against my hair.

"No problem," I tell her and begin climbing the stairs. She's not heavy but I can feel all her muscles against me. It makes me think she's been going to the gym.

When we reach the top of the stairs an unspoken agreement passes between us and I just let us (with her still clinging to my back) into my apartment. She slides off and her dark curls are more unruly than ever.

"Thanks for the lift." A wink is thrown my way and it makes me grin. At this point I'm not even trying to contain how crazy about her I am, no more caution.

I shake my head and tuck a curl behind her ear, "Anything for you." It comes out more intense than I planned and I see her eyes clear, her eyebrows knit together. It lasts an instant before the playfulness is back. Maybe I imagined the intensity.

"Anything? Really Spence?"

I nod.

"How bout a dance?" She turns to my stereo and some low piano music flows out of the speakers. Her shoes are kicked from her feet and one of her perfect hands reaches out for me. Like I'd say no?

Ashley spins me once before pulling me close, one arm circling around my waist while the other clutches my hand. I release a deep sigh because I haven't felt this content, this whole in years. We drift for several minutes before she breaks the silence.

"Spencer, may I ask you a question?" Her movements have become steadier and her words clearer, so I know she's no longer feeling the alcohol. It means this question has been thought long and hard about. I can't lie, it makes my stomach clinch for a second.

I don't pull back to look her in the eyes, I just hold her closer with my face pressed close to hers, "Of course you can Ashley."

She keeps rocking us to the music, "Will you tell me about you and Jill? Like explain how it all happened?"

I knew this would be asked eventually and I'm ready, "Well, sure. It was my junior year of college when I saw Jillian again. I was helping Glen and Kyla move crap into their apartment and apparently your sister had called Jill to help too. I guess she was already living in New York working for some magazine." The memories make me smile but the woman in my arms makes my heart skip a beat, "She asked if I wanted to catch up and I told her yes. We met for coffee the next week and then it became a routine, our weekly coffees."

I dip Ashley so I can see her eyes. I find myself getting lost in those dark orbs before I pull her back up and then I can feel her smiling against my cheek.

Deep breath and continue, "It was the beginning of my senior year when she asked me out. God Ashley I stressed over it for a week. I didn't know what to do, all I knew was you weren't here and she was some small piece of you. Every time I was around her I thought of you, felt connected to you somehow. It's silly I know."

"No," her voice is rough, "I can understand."

"So the moment I said yes was the moment I let go of everything. I finally felt completely done being angry about the past. I was done being angry at you, at her, and at myself. We dated until she dumped me when we found out you were alive."

We've stopped dancing and now she's looking at me with unsure eyes, it's hard to take.

"Did you love her?" her voice doesn't waver but the way she's biting her bottom lip shows her uncertainty.

I reach up and cup her cheek. She is so beautiful and so strong.

"No, I think I've been waiting for you since graduation night."

A soft smile and then she's so close it makes my stomach drop. Then almost in slow motion her lips land on mine and it lights my body on fire. My hands grab her hips and squeeze lightly as I do my best to keep from getting too intense with the kissing. Her hands go to my neck and lightly scratch. It's enough to make my head explode.

I pull away first or else I fear I'd take this all too far. When her eyes open they are darker than I've seen them in a long time and it makes me inwardly groan.

"Wine? Couch?" I'm incapable of speaking in full sentences clearly. Ashley excuses herself to the bathroom and I collapse against the counter. She makes me feel all these feelings. I can't tell if it's exciting or terrifying, maybe a little of both.

As I'm pouring wine into two glasses I feel her presence behind me and then her arms circle around me as she buries her face in my neck.

"Spencer," she breathes my name against my skin and I break out in goosebumps, "I-I am so…shit," she mutters, "is there a less cliché word for happy?"

We share a laugh before I turn around to hand her wine. I kiss her forehead and then pull her to the couch. She sits down in the corner and I instantly nestle in basically on top of her.

"Weird you mentioned Jill tonight. She left for Chicago today, didn't even give me a reason." I take a sip of wine and squeeze Ashley's leg.

She clears her throat, "Yeah I uh might know why she left."

I mean I guess it'd make sense because Jill spent the whole day with Ashley so she must've told her something. Ashley's got that ashamed look on her face and it makes me frown.

"Why'd she leave Ash?"

Ashley squirms in her seat, "I asked her to go away."

My jaw drops. Ashley asked her best friend to disappear? What is going on?

"Ashley what the hell?"

"Spence," she lets out a frustrated sigh, "do you know what it is like for me to see you two around each other? I still can't even comprehend you guys being together…sleeping together."

She's up and pacing my small living room, her hands moving as fast as she's talking.

"I know it's a little weird but I thought you were ok with it?" I do my best not to lose my cool. Let her talk it out.

"Oh yeah sure the love of my life and my best friend having sex is a _lovely_ image. Spencer, it really hurt to find out you two were together. It's not something you just get over!"

Not going to lie her words sting but I knew it had to bother her more than she let on.

"Ok I admit I've made better decisions," I set my wine down, "but I will not apologize for her and I being together. Ashley, we lost you together. She was there when I thought you were dead, she helped me get through it. So I can't apologize."

Ashley rubs her face and then flops onto the couch next to me.

"I sent her away because I'm jealous. I can't stand thinking of you with anyone else." Her eyes meet mine and there's desperation shining through. "When I came back on leave and saw you two together at that party…it was near impossible to pretend I was ok with it all. I could've beaten her to a pulp."

I grab her hand, "Ok, I get it."

We sit in silence for several minutes. Then out of nowhere Ashley starts laughing. I cannot believe it. Her hand quickly covers her mouth but she can't stop it.

"I-I am so," she stumbles over her words between bouts of giggles, "sorry! Crap I ca-can't stop!"

It's contagious because soon I'm laughing too and we just sit there giggling, leaning on each other. We laugh until tears are rolling down our faces so I use my thumb to wipe hers away.

"Ashley," I squeeze her hand, "I'm glad you're here."

A shy smile is thrown my way as she releases a deep sigh.

"It's almost 3 am," her voice is soft, "I should go."

I know a night apart would probably be healthy for us but the thought of her walking out that door makes me sick.

"Wanna crash here?" I'm already pulling her towards my bedroom and she laughs softly.

That must mean yes.

**Thank you thank you! I have seen how displeases everyone has been with Spencer and please just cut her some slack. She's not so bad ;) Love you all! **


	20. Chapter 20

**I own no part of SON **

I can't stop staring. If you could see her right now you'd be having the same problem. I'm at the gallery and she dropped by. Unfortunately I am weirdly busy today so she's just wandering around looking at the art. This means my attention isn't really with the customers, it's focused on her in those dark jeans and tiny, tiny white shirt.

"So this is in watercolors?" the only lady won't stop bugging me about textures and blah blah blah.

"Yes," I give her my best smile, "I have actually met this artist. He is very talented."

Right as the lady asks me another question Ashley turns and gives me a dazzling smile. Dead, I actually think I died.

"Excuse me? Miss?" the old woman actually pokes me in the shoulder before I snap to attention.

"Uh yes ma'am. Sorry what was your question?" I ask sheepishly.

Once I finish my business with the old lady, who was actually very patient with me, I waltz up to my brunette.

"Ok, it's official," I instinctively reach for her hand, "you are no longer allowed to visit me at work."

She laughs, "Spencer, don't be ridiculous." Her eyes are dancing and she's looking at me like I'm the best thing she's seen all day. I love it.

And then it comes out of my mouth again and it feels just as right this time, "God, I love you."

She touches my cheek and just when I think she's about to say those three words back to me the door slams shut. Her reaction happens so fast and is so violent that it scares me. Before I can even register++

what has happened two paintings are off the wall and she's a shaking ball in the corner.

I usher the last few customers out the door, lock up, and then slowly approach my still shaking friend.

"Oh Ash," I crouch down next to her, "I wish I could help."

Her tear filled eyes meet mine, "I'm so sorry. So sorry…I'm sorry. Spencer, so sorry."

We do a familiar routine, I hold her and whisper assurances into her hair while she clings to me like a life-vest. Sometimes she seems so normal, so whole that I forget the scars and the pain. I internally scold myself for letting my guard down about her condition.

Twenty minutes pass and she's still clutching my shirt, nestled into my side. Her breathing hasn't evened out so I continue rubbing her back while I murmur into her hair.

Fifteen more minutes and she's breathing normally. Five more minutes and she's staring blankly into a now darkened art gallery.

"Ashley," I give her thigh a gentle squeeze, "ready to get up?"

"Why aren't I better?" she scrambles to her feet with more energy than I expected, "I've been home how long? I've been in therapy and I can't live like this anymore!"

I push off the ground, "C'mon you haven't been back that long. Plus what happened to you was awful Ashley. Your physical wounds healed much quicker than you mental wounds will."

When I reach for her hand she pulls away. I have to admit it stings a little.

"I should be better. You don't understand how frustrating this is, how pathetic it makes me feel. I can't even feel these freak outs coming." She shakes her head, "Sometimes the noises don't bother me but sometimes…ah it's terrifying and I'm worried I could end up hurting someone. What if I hurt you?"

"Hey," I grab both sides of her face, "don't you dare worry about this whole thing hurting me. This is where I take care of you, in whatever way I can."

A deep sigh comes out of her perfect mouth, "I'm glad you're here Spence."

Her fingers hook through my belt loops, pulling my hips against hers.

"Forever Ash," I kiss her forehead, "I promise."

A giant wave of relief floods through me as I let myself into my apartment that night. It has seemed like this day will never end. All I can focus on is getting into some sweatpants and zoning out in front of the tv. Ashley was safe and sound in her own apartment tonight, although I did kind of already miss her.

Right as I'm picking out some sweats my phone rings. Glen.

"Hello brother. What can I do for you?"

"Spence! Kyla and I are going to _Mickey's_," he's talking a mile a minute, "you and Ashley have to come!"

"No Glen I don-"

"Awesome we'll see you in a few!"

The line goes dead. Really? This is how my relaxing night is going to go? I sigh as I hit the speed dial for Ashley's cell.

"Spencer."

Her voice practically purrs over the line and I have to steady myself against the counter.

"Hi um Glen called and they want us to meet them out. You up for it?"

She doesn't even wait a beat, "A night out sounds great actually. Today sucked"

And just like that I want nothing more than to take her out, make her feel better.

"Ok we're going to _Mickey's_ so no need to dress up."

"Meet in the hallway in ten?"

I smile, "Deal."

Groaning I slip out of my sweats to throw on jeans and grumble the entire time I fix my make-up. More pissing and moaning come out of me as I leave my apartment and lock the door behind me.

As soon as I see Ashley it all stops, in fact my whole world seems to stop. Everything about her is simple tonight but it blows me away. She's got glasses perched on her face and her hair is in a plain pony tail. It's beautiful.

"You look so pretty." My compliment comes out all breathy and soft.

"Please," she scoffs, "I but zero effort into myself."

I thread my fingers through hers, "You just can't see it can you?"

"What?" cue her adorable head tilt.

"How perfect you are to me."

I can see the words stuck in her throat and I can see what she can't say shining through her eyes…so I give her a swift kiss before leading her out into the street.

X

_Mickey's_ is more of a pub than anything else but there's a dance floor too. It's a weird place but I've always had a good time here. By the time we get there it's got a good crowd and we have to look for a while before we find our siblings.

Kyla squeals at the sight of us, "Hey guys! So glad you came." She hugs Ashley tight and I smile at how much they love each other.

"Sis." Glen gives me a fist bump and orders beer for us.

Ashley seems to down her beer in two gulps before dragging Kyla onto the dance floor.

"So you and Ash seem to be getting along really well." Glen's gaze falls on me.

"Yeah, we're starting to talk more and she hasn't told me everything but I think we might be getting there." Another long pull from my beer.

"Good. Some people are just meant to be together."

I can tell something is bothering him and I don't even hesitate asking him.

"Glen, what's going on? You ok?"

His face tightens up and he looks like a small child, "I don't think Kyla wants to get married or have kids."

He's trying not to cry and I know that he's always wanted that life.

"Have you asked her about it?" I keep one eye on the Davies sisters while I rub Glen's shoulder.

He sighs, "Every time I start to bring it up she shuts me down or turns it into a fight. She won't even let me bring it up."

Then he reaches into his jacket pocket and sets a jewelry box on the bar. My eyes widen. I have a very good idea what is inside.

"Glen…"

"I've had it for months," he shakes his head, "but I am terrified if I ask she'll say no, she'll leave me."

Right as I'm about to respond I see some troubling activity on the dance floor. Ashley is no longer dancing with Kyla, instead it's some woman with dark red hair. There's space between them but the look that woman is giving Ashley makes my blood boil.

"Glen," I look him dead in the eyes, "talk to Kyla. Sit her down and work through it. You two need each other. Now order us some tequila my good sir."

I hate to admit that I lose count of how many shots we down and how many beers we chase those shots with…it has to be a lot because I feel light and fuzzy and just splendid.

And now I must be having a drunken hallucination because that stupid ginger keeps trying to touch Ashley. I can tell Ash is just being polite and simply moving to brush off the advances. I'm not willing to play as nice.

I slam the rest of my beer and stomp out to the dance floor. I spin the red head around by the shoulder.

"What the hell?"

Her voice is annoying.

"Beat it Big Red." I growl and step into her space.

Instead of her backing down like I imagined she smirks and gives me a shove, "Screw off blondie. We're dancing here."

My eyes widen and I clench my jaw, "Get lost before I kick your ass." It would be a lot more convincing if I could stand without swaying.

And suddenly I'm on the ground, my head pounding and something trickling down from my eye. Shit I better not be crying.

Yelling and screaming echo above me while I try to clear my vision and convince my stomach not to hurl.

"Spence!" Her blurry face is right in front of mine, "Baby can you hear me?"

"Ashley, will you go to prom with me?" What the hell just came out of my mouth?

A husky chuckle and fingers stroking my cheek, "Let's get that gash cleaned up."

Her strong grip pulls me to my feet and the room spins violently and my head hurts worse. I wince when I reach up to rub where it hurts.

"The hell…is that blood?" My vision clears as I stare at the red liquid on my hand, "Ooo I don't feel so good."

"Ok, I'll fix it," Ashley scoops me up and carries me to the bathroom and places me on the sink ledge, "this might hurt a bit."

I don't know when or how but Ashley has a first aid kit and sets out pieces of it.

"Where'd that stupid bitch go? Imma kick her in the face." I can't get the words to stop slurring together.

"Spence," she laughs lightly, "that girl was an ex-pro UFC fighter. You're lucky you didn't get killed."

I cringe when Ashley presses gauze to the side of my eye. "Christ was she wearing brass knuckles?" I'm clutching my brunette's shoulders with probably more intensity than I need to.

"No she just knocked the crap outta you." More dabbing and pressing, "Don't worry I took care of it."

I'm on the receiving end of her trademark smirk and my grip relaxes.

"Ash, what'd you do to her?" I wince when the newest gauze has a substance that burns and I can only conclude it must be something the devil invented.

"Broke her nose." She calmly states, keeping her attention on my battle wound.

I pull away from her, "You what?" I'm pretty shocked.

"She shouldn't have touched you." Her face goes stony and her tone of voice deadly. It scares me a little. Then her face breaks into a grin, "And while she was down holding her face Kyla kicked her in the ribs. She's feisty little thing."

I laugh but it only makes my head pound harder, "Take me home please." My request is a whimper and suddenly I feel pathetic.

"Of course," she brushes my hair out of my face and places the gentlest of kisses to my cheek.

We hop a cab back to my apartment and Ashley insists that she carry me to my bed. After cautiously setting me down she disappears but is back before I can protest.

"Here," she hands me a handful of pills with a glass of water.

I swallow them down, "Thank you for taking care of me…well and kicking that chick's ass." We exchange a grin and I feel almost all the way sober.

"Goodnight," she cups my cheek and makes a move to get off my bed.

"Oh I don't think so," I pull her down into my arms and nestle my face into her neck, "you belong right here."

I tangle my legs in hers and take a deep breathe, her unique smell enveloping me. She starts humming as she traces her fingers up and down my arm. It's Landslide and I don't even know if she realizes what she's humming. Her song choice makes me hold her tighter but she doesn't seem to mind.

"You're my best friend Spence."

Her voice pulls me back from the brink of unconsciousness.

"I know." I scoot myself away from her so I can see her. We stay like that, laying on our sides with our noses almost touching, in silence for what feels like hours.

"If I say the words," she finally speaks, it's low and rough, "if I finally say what I feel…" she swallows down a crack in her voice, "you have to know that it doesn't come lightly and you're it for me Spence. There is no, and never will be, one else."

She takes a deep breath and I just stay still, biting back a smile.

"Spencer Carlin," her fingers dance over my bandaged face, "I am head over heels, stupidly in love with you."

I grin and her dazzling smile almost blinds me.

"Yeah I think you're ok too."

"Really Spence?" Her eyes turn mischievous.

I shrug, "I mean I can put up with you so I- whatever."

She punches me lightly and then suddenly her mouth is on mine. Her hands cup my face and then slide back into my hair. I snake one hand up her shirt onto her flat stomach and then other around her back.

We lay there kissing and it's setting my body on fire and my heart is racing. She pulls away and then kisses my neck sweetly.

"I love you." Her voice is steady and her gaze intense.

"I love you more."

She snuggles into my body, "I've loved you always." And then magically she's asleep.

**Sorry for the delay. I moved and it was hell. Thanks for the reviews, favorites, and follows. Once more I read and consider every review. You all help shape the story. **


	21. Chapter 21

**I own no part of SON**

She's still sleeping. I smile down at the peaceful woman next to me. My comforter is barely covering her and her legs are twisted in sheets. One of her arms is stretched above her head and the other is reaching as far as it can to the other side of the bed, right where I usually lie. It's like she's trying to grab me. I bend down and press a kiss to her temple before slinking into my kitchen.

It's well past nine in the morning but there is absolutely no way I'm waking her up. I'm betting this is the first real sleep she's had in about a year. As I fire up my trusty coffee machine my mind wanders to a subject I haven't thought about in months. The letters.

A part of me wants to just burn them all, erase the hurt and the past. A stronger part of me wants to read them…all of them. I reach behind my fridge and pull out a giant, overstuffed envelope. Dust flies everywhere and I struggle to quiet my coughing fit. Gross.

Suddenly I wish I hadn't brought out the envelope that has plagued me or maybe I just wish I was a little drunk while I read them.

"What's that?"

Every molecule inside me freezes at her voice. I think my brain has literally shut off. Lie, tell the truth, ignore her, distract her?

Now she's right behind me and her arms have snaked around me. Ashley rests her chin on my shoulder and presses her lips to my cheek. How could I possibly lie to her?

"They're all your letters," I croak, fearing that she'll shy away from me.

Once again my brunette takes me by surprise.

"Oh," she climbs into my lap, "you should really read them Spence." Then she gives me a shy smile and kisses me. I'll never get over how soft she is, how good she feels. My hands tangle in her hair and I can feel her smile into our kiss. I'm running out of air but can't seem to break away from her.

"I love you." It still feels amazing to say, unbelievably good.

Her chocolate eyes dance and her nose crinkling grin is contagious, "I love you too Spence."

"Hmm, what am I going to do with you?" I sigh and my hands run up her back, eliciting a soft groan from Ashley.

"Preferably keep doing that." She mumbles before letting her head fall to my shoulder. I'm now basically holding her like a person would hold a baby; my hands running up and down her back.

I start playing with the ends of her curly hair, "So you slept good?"

I feel her nod against me, "I haven't actually slept like that since I've been back," she lifts her head to meet my gaze, "it was amazing."

She reaches out and traces along my eye.

"Ow, shit." I exclaim, "Totally forgot that happened last night." Now my head is pounding and she's giving me a sympathetic smile.

"Yeah baby it's really bruised," she inspects for a minute more, "but the cut is already kind of healing and it hasn't swollen up too bad."

"Oh great that makes me feel so much better about getting my ass kicked last night." What I remember is utterly humiliating. Way to go Spencer.

Her chuckle is music to my ears, "It wasn't that bad. I mean she walked away with a broken nose and probably bruised ribs."

"Uh yeah," I stand up as she springs off me, "because you and Kyla had to rescue me. That's what I get for drinking tequila with Glen."

And then my conversation with Glen comes flooding back, pushing the letters to the back burner.

"Why are you standing there with your mouth hanging open?" she quirks an eyebrow at my sudden change of expression.

I grab her arm, "Guess what Glen and I talked about last night?"

"Your time in the womb together?"

She's not funny.

"No Ash," I roll my eyes, "he wants to propose."

Her beautiful eyes widen, "Whoa." Her stunned look is adorable and I'm having trouble concentrating because I just want to throw her up against the wall and have my way with her…focus Spencer.

"Yeah, he even has a ring. Shit's about to get real." I open the fridge and dig around for my strawberries. They're in here somewhere behind the eggs or something… ah found 'em!

She's scowling and staring at the floor when I look at her again. Uh oh.

"Ashley," I try to meet her eye, "hey what's going on?"

She takes a long sip of coffee before answering, "It's just Kyla's always said she doesn't want to get married. I mean her and I's only marital example were our weird parents and people's cheating. Not very inspirational."

And now we are staring at each other across my kitchen. I'm at a loss for words and she looks sheepish. Then it dawns on me, Ashley might feel the same way about marriage. Now I'm not one for cheesy romantic bullshit constantly but yeah I want to get married. I want a ceremony where all my friends and family are there to hear me say, 'I love this woman more than anyone else and I will love her more than anyone else for the rest of time.' And I want wedding presents.

"Oh." Awesome Carlin, you have an eloquence that rivals Shakespeare.

Then she rushes to my side, "Spence, just because Kyla has notions about weddings or marriage or commitment doesn't mean that I feel the same way about it."

Wait is she hearing my thoughts now?

"I mean I can't lie to you Spencer, I do have those lingering doubts and temptations to resist those ideals but with you," she shakes her head and smiles, "with you everything is different. There's no doubt, no uncertainty. I want you forever."

"Ash, that wasn't a like formal-"

"Oh no no no," she's panicking, it's adorable, "I mean not saying I don't want to but right now and like I love you obvio-"

I clamp a hand over her mouth, "It's fine stop. Breathe before you pass out weirdo."

Ashley is blushing the darkest shade of red I have ever seen on anybody.

"I should go," she links our fingers, "I have an appointment in an hour."

I don't want her to go. I guess I never want her to go.

"Can't you reschedule?" I'm whining, I don't care.

"Really? You want me to reschedule with my therapist?"

I groan, "Noooo. Just go. I don't even like you."

A reckless grin is thrown my way as she waltzes out of my apartment. Now I'm left with a dusty pile of letters and silence echoing inside my head.

A shower, a shower first and then I'll start in on the letters. And yes I'm procrastinating reading those things. For some unknown reason I am terrified of her words on all that paper. It could very well be the crippling guilt I get when I think about how I ignored her when she needed me.

I tip toe my way across the cold tile, assholes, and throw myself into my shower. Let me tell you about my shower for a minute. My job provides a salary that allows me to live very comfortably. I am by no means rich but I do not suffer. I live in a mediocre apartment, I wear middle of the road clothes, and I have a couple of fancy tech gadgets. The one item I let myself really indulge in was my shower.

It might be my favorite place in the world. The shower is huge, it can fit about six people. I know this because a birthday party of mine got out of control once, I'm not going into details. There are four showerheads and each one has different settings. It's tiled with these beautiful stones and has a sliding glass door. There are also mood lights.

So basically every time I take a shower it lasts for way too long. Seriously, my water bill is insane.

See I'm doing it again. Avoiding those scary, perfectly folded pieces of paper. Here I stand, wrapped in my favorite robe with dripping hair, staring at the scattered pile. Wine, I need wine.

I pour myself a generous glass of dark red wine, grab a fistful of letters, and settle myself on my couch. It is one in the afternoon. No shame.

I tear open the first letter….

_Spencer, _

_Things have gotten worse. Sleep is impossible. People are dying all around me. I knew when I signed up it wasn't going to be easy, it is war we are talking about. This is so much worse. _

_Have you ever watched someone die? Ever seen the light leave their eyes? I hope you never do Spence. _

_I don't know if I'll survive this. _

_Love always, _

_Ash_

My chest feels tight and I can't see straight. How am I supposed to read all these?

Two hours later and I've read through twenty letters. Some were long and rambling. Those types were filled with things she missed, things she can't wait to see and do when she got home, and memories from high school.

Some were short…

_Spence, _

_I miss you,_

_Thinking of you. _

_Love always, _

_Ash_

There were many variations of those short letters. Those weren't bad and neither were the long rambling ones. But more letters than I can stand are filled with despair and pain. My poor Ashley, she had felt so afraid and isolated and hopeless. And I was the dick who ignored her for years.

None of my readings had been in order but I now clutched what must've been her last note before almost dying. It's ominous and goose bump inducing…

_Spencer, _

_I can't quite put my finger on it but something feels different. It feels like something is coming and I don't think it's going to be good_.

_You know that feeling like someone is watching you? I've had it for days. My team jokes and says I've been here too long…I don't know…_

_As always I miss you and I just wish I could hear from you…_

_Love always, _

_Ash_

My hands are shaking and my wine glass is empty. I've been sitting there shaking and keeping my tight grip on that horrible letter for quite some time. The light coming in through my window is all oranges and reds throwing a beautiful picture across the sky. I can't appreciate it. I feel sick.

A knock on my door and I still can't move.

"Spence?" her husky voice calls through the door, "I'm letting myself in ok?"

I still can't move and I can't seem to form words either. I hate myself and how can I possibly make this right with her? I let her down in such an unforgivable way, yet she's kneeling in front of me with an adorable head tilt and loving eyes.

"Ashley."

She cups my cheek, "You ok? Maybe we should go through these together." Her thumb swipes tears away before they even reach my cheeks.

"I-I'm so s-sorry. I was s-such a bad…" and I can't even finish because the sobs are racking my body.

She's quick to settle in next to me and let me sob into her shoulder.

"Shhh Spencer," she's rubbing my back, "sometimes we do stupid, awful things to people we love for no good reason."

I didn't have a good reason because I held a petty grudge for too long and was too proud. That was my reason.

I lift my head and stare at her through puffy eyes.

"I love you."

Her golden eyes shine, "And I love you, even though I can tell you haven't bothered to brush your hair today. Seriously you are a nappy mess Spence."

I give her a watery grin before settling back against her…my best friend, my girlfriend, my hero.

**Thank you for the reviews, favs, follows. I of course love you all. I will get started on the next chapter ASAP. Stick with me!**


	22. Chapter 22

**I own no part of SON**

**Also just a FYI, I listened to a lot of Ron Pope while writing this. So maybe try listening to his songs while reading. **

"No way Glen," I firmly state, "I will not do that."

"Oh come on Spence," he pleads and stomps his foot like a toddler. I must not give in to his tantrum.

I narrow my eyes, "Glen, this is not my problem. You don't think I have enough to deal with? You don't think trying to keep Ashley from falling apart is a full time job? You don't think Marie has been riding my ass? Seriously, this is your mess."

He groans and runs a frustrated hand through his hair, "But you are so much better with her than me!"

I can't stop the scoff that leaves my mouth, "Whatever Glen." I continue to wash the grease crusted pan in my sink. I hear Glen flop onto my worn couch and continue to groan. I do feel bad for the guy. No one should have to face Paula alone but he started this mess. "Come on Glen, you never should've told her you had an engagement ring to begin with!"

"I agree with Spence." Ashley's husky mumble is music to my ears as she trudges her way into the kitchen and I grin over my shoulder at her. She smiles back through warm, sleepy eyes and settles herself on a kitchen chair.

"I don't need you two ganging up on me!" Glen whines at us.

"Morning beautiful," I whisper and slide her coffee. A swift kiss is my thanks before I return to the sink. I try to focus on washing the dishes but Ashley is wearing barely there shorts and a tank top, it makes me squirm.

Glen starts asking Ashley about Kyla and marriage and children and I zone out. It's a Sunday so I don't have work but I do have a mountain of other things to finish, including all these damn dishes. As I dry some weird platter plates that I don't remember using I watch them.

My brother makes Ashley laugh one of her genuine gut busting laughs. She throws her head back and I see happy tears streak down her face. My heart almost bursts from all these feelings. Ashley wipes at her face and then throws me a wink before returning her attention to Glen. The butterflies in my stomach won't settle down and it makes me wonder if she'll always be able to make me feel this way. I sure hope so.

The final dish is dry and I stumble to the couch, basically throwing myself on Ashley. As usual she accepts me without question. I press a wet kiss to her neck and then nuzzle the spot where my lips previously rested. I do my best to leave it at that but she tastes so good and I see the goosebumps break out across her skin…maybe one more.

"Glen," she breathes out heavily, "go away."

I hear him scamper away as I rake my teeth across her neck. I climb over her so I'm straddling her lap and her hands latch to my hips. I press another kiss behind her ear.

"You are so sexy," I husk into her ear and I feel her shudder beneath me. Her hands squeeze my sides and I pull back to look into her eyes. Her normally light eyes have darkened and her entire face is unfocused. I brush my lips lightly over hers and a ragged breath escapes her perfect mouth.

"Spence," she whispers and pulls her bottom lip into her mouth. I tangle my hands in her head and lower my mouth until we're almost touching lips…and then I wait. I don't have to wait long, "kiss me Spencer, please." She begs and I give in.

My mouth connects with hers and it sets off a blaze of fire deep within me. As I kiss and kiss and kiss her, my hips roll onto her and I feel her body shake under me. My hands keep trying to pull her closer and hers snake up my back. Her lips part ever so slightly and I can't seem to stop myself from deepening the kiss.

When she groans into my mouth I almost explode.

"Oh sorry I forgot my wal-" Glen's voice echoes through my apartment and Ashley jerks her face away from mine.

I can't seem to steady my breathing and my whole body is buzzing, "Glen, get the fuck out."

"Oh my god I had no idea I just needed my wallet and…shit sorry guys…" I hear him fumble around, "shit shit shit." The door slams and I still haven't moved from straddling Ashley.

I can feel the heat on my face and flushed on my neck.

"Spence," she husks and I bury my face further in her shoulder, "don't pout. I know that's what you're doing."

Her hands rub my back and I release a deep sigh, "He ruins everything." I mumble into her hair. Her hair smells like flowers, she always smells so good.

"Well that's not true," I can hear the smile in her voice, "usually it's Kyla that ruins these moments."

Her statement gets me to chuckle and I'm amazed at how she always seems to know what to say. I press the side of my face against hers and try to make her feel all the emotions coursing through me.

"I love you Ashley Davies." And then I pull myself back to look her in the eyes. They're light again and dancing, I love it when her eyes dance.

Her beautiful eyes scan my face, "I love you too." She grins and pinches my sides. I don't mean to squeal out loud but her hands catch me off guard. A delicious laugh rolls out of her mouth, "Spence, you need to laugh more."

I smile and finally roll off my brunette, "Yeah." I sigh and offer no more words. I feel guilty dumping any problems on her. I mean doesn't she have enough to worry about? My troubles seem so cavalier compared to hers but we are in this relationship together, I'm supposed to share my woes with her right?

All these thoughts are threatening to overwhelm me so I press my palms to my forehead, it helps block them out.

"Hey," her whisper halts all my thinking, "you ok in there?" Her hands grab my wrists and pull my hands into her lap. I fiddle with the ring on her middle finger of her right hand. It's a simple silver band and she's worn it since high school, I still don't know if it holds a higher significance.

I smile at her, "Will you stay with me today?" I don't know why I'm feeling so off today, "Will you just be around me today?" I can't describe my need to have her near me. All I know is everything is easier, better when she's close to me.

"Of course," she squeezes my hands and I instantly feel better. "So your stupid brother told your mother about the ring huh?"

"He's an idiot," I chuckle softly.

"Well maybe he just doesn't know what to do," Ashley states, "I mean come on, the guy is head over heels in love with my stupid sister. She constantly is telling him that the things he wants for them aren't what she wants. Honestly I just think she's lying to herself."

That gets me to perk up a little, "You really think so?" I want my brother to be happy.

She nods and it makes her curls bounce, "I think she's afraid to let go of old ideals. She'll come around, don't you worry your pretty little head Spence."

I smile at her and I can't believe she's mine, "You are my favorite person."

This gets her to grin and give my hands another squeeze, "God I hope so because the competition is atrocious and I mean if any of them beat me out it would be completely embarrassing!"

This gets me to laugh and she scoots closer to press a kiss to my temple. I feel her release a deep sigh and rest her head against my shoulder. Pretty soon her breathing evens out and I can tell she's fallen back asleep. I don't blame her; she hasn't slept in over a year so she's got some major catching up to do.

Thirty minutes later I feel her stir and I set the book I was reading down.

"Morning sleepyhead," I whisper.

She yawns and stretches, "Time is it?"

"Like noonish," I groan and hop off the couch, all my joints popping. "You want some lunch? I mean I could probably wrangle up some mac n' cheese or we could order in or actually go to a restaurant or maybe I have some pizza somewhere." I pull open the fridge and rub the back of my neck, "Yeah babe, nothing in my fridge looks safe," she offers no reply, "Ash?"

She's standing behind me wringing her hands and staring at the floor. I can tell she wants to either ask me something or tell me something. Nervous Ashley is adorable.

I clear my throat and her eyes snap to mine. I quirk a questioning eyebrow at her.

"Uh Spencer," she swallows down a lump in her throat.

"Yes?"

"So I have a thing today," she starts pacing and dragging her hand through her hair, "and it's pretty important and I've been debating about asking you to come. I-I just didn't know if I could do it and have you there. It's just something from therapy and well I think…no, no I'm sure I need and want you there. So will you come? To this thing…for me?"

I smile at her across the counter and lean forward on my elbows.

"Of course I'll go," I slide my hand across and squeeze her forearm, "I'd do anything for you."

Ashley gives a nervous chuckle, "Cool um it's a like outlet thing for soldiers at this arts center. So there is um several acts but I'm going last. It's in an hour."

"Well we should get dressed then. I'll meet you in the hallway in twenty, ok?"

She nods and we part ways.

X

"Alright everybody, last performer for the night is Ashley Davies. Please give her your undivided attention."

Ashley squeezes my hands and I kiss her cheek.

"You are going to do great Ash," I whisper into her ear, "I love you."

I can tell she's terrified to get up there and do whatever it is she's planning. She only nods in reply and rigidly moves to the stage.

"Hello," she sits down in front of the piano, "uh I'm going to sing a song that a lot of us soldiers can relate to. My apologies in advance if I can't finish." She gives a tiny smile and then her fingers start to dance across the keys.

_There's a grief that can't be spoken.__  
__There's a pain goes on and on._

I instantly recognize the lyrics and music. Les Mis, I've seen it twice since I've lived in New York.

___Empty chairs at empty tables__  
__Now my friends are dead and gone__  
__Here they talked of revolution.__  
__Here it was they lit the flame.__  
__Here they sang about `tomorrow'__  
__And tomorrow never came._

Tears roll down her face but her voice stays strong and her fingers continue to play. I swallow back my own tears and grief. This if for them, her friends and her teammates. __

_From the table in the corner__  
__They could see a world reborn__  
__And they rose with voices ringing__  
__I can hear them now!__  
__The very words that they had sung__  
__Became their last communion__  
__On the lonely barricade at dawn.__  
_

One by one the other soldiers around the room rise as best they can and stand at attention. There is respect and sorrow written on every single one of their faces. It's so powerful I almost can't breathe.

___Oh my friends, my friends forgive me_

Her voice trembles only slightly and I see her look out at the other soldiers. It seems to give her strength.__

_That I live and you are gone.__  
__There's a grief that can't be spoken.__  
__There's a pain goes on and on.__  
__Phantom faces at the window.__  
__Phantom shadows on the floor.__  
__Empty chairs at empty tables__  
__Where my friends will meet no more._

She takes a deep breath and then belts out the final lines through her sobs, yet her voice has never been so clear and I've never felt her pain like I do now. I chance a quick glance around me and no one has dry eyes.__

_Oh my friends, my friends, don't ask me__  
__What your sacrifice was for__  
__Empty chairs at empty tables__  
__Where my friends will sing no more._

Her last note dies out and she instantly breaks into sobs. I take one step towards her before I stop myself. All the soldiers make their way onto the stage and form a huddle with Ashley in the center. I settle back down on my chair and wipe at my eyes. I'm so proud of her.

While she finishes with her gathering on stage I have several people come and pat me on the shoulder or introduce themselves or say how amazing Ashley is. They have no idea.

Her eyes meet mine from the stage and I give her a smile, I notice her shoulders relax before she continues with whatever conversation she's having.

"Excuse me," a strong feminine voice grabs my attention, "you wouldn't happen to be Spencer would you?"

I twist around and I'm confronted by a middle aged woman with pencil straight red hair.

"Uh, yeah I'm Spencer," the woman smiles at me, "I'm sorry do I know you?"

"Oh, no, no," she laughs and pulls her glasses off her face, "I'm Ann. I'm Ashley's therapist."

I nod and stick out my hand for a handshake, "Of course, nice to meet you." I release her hand and the woman plops down on the stool next to me.

"This has been a very trying day for just about everybody. But I am glad I organized it," she doesn't stop smiling while she talks and there's a warmth just rolling off her, "they all did so good today. And uh not to play favorites," her voice lowers to barely a whisper, "but Ashley knocked it out of the park."

"Yeah she was, is incredible," I don't offer any more information because I have no idea what Ashley has told this woman; what she's told her about me or us or our history.

Ann is staring at me with this weird, quizzical look, "You look so familiar…you've never been a patient have you?"

I get this all the time, "No, you watch Sportscenter?"

"YES! OH MY GOODNESS YOU LOOK JUST LIKE THAT GLEN GUY!" She's practically shouting and I bite back the urge to laugh in her face.

"We're twins."

"You're shitting me?"

I like this woman, "I shit you not." We share a laugh and then I feel it, the touch I'll never forget…Ashley's hand on my lower back.

"Spencer," she sounds exhausted but incredibly happy, "I see you've met the woman who's been digging through my wreckage."

"Yeah, not bad for a therapist Ash," I grin up at her and she presses a light kiss to the top of my head. Ann just smiles warmly at us and jumps up from her stool.

"Well you girls behave. Spencer is was simply delightful to meet you and Ashley I'll see you next week," she pats Ash's shoulder, "remember what we talked about the other day, ok Sweetheart?"

And with that the wonderfully, warm woman is gone.

Ashley's whole body leans against me and I circle my arms around her waist. Her fingers start to absently play with my hair and I'm content to just stay like this until she's ready to move.

I'm amazed by how this morning I needed her so desperately, and without any explainable reason, and now she's the one needing me. I often feel like she's afraid she'll float away in a sea of fears, frustrations, and disappointments. As long as she's feeling like that I am going to be her anchor. I'll keep her here and I'll do whatever it takes to make her feel safe.

"Spence," she sighs, "want to grab some coffee?"

And I don't know why but that was the last thing I expected. It catches me so off guard that I laugh a gut busting explosion of laughter and bury my face in her stomach.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I do my best to control myself, "I don't know why that's funny but here I was prepping for some big revelation or hell I don't know and all my sweet, beautiful girl wants is some coffee."

I meet her eyes and stand up. My hand finds its resting place in hers and I tug her towards the door. Right before we step out onto the street Ashley pulls me into her for a kiss. It's brief, simple but I can feel the spark and the intensity she's trying to convey.

"On to Starbucks then?" I ask the brunette clinging to my side. Her eyes light up and she laughs when I roll mine.

We spend the rest of the day drinking pretentious coffee and laughing at everything around us. By the time we collapse into bed that night my face hurts from smiling and my weary body welcomes the feeling of Ashley wrapping around it.

I take a moment before I completely drift into the land of dreams to appreciate what might have been an absolute perfect day.

**Thanks for the reviews, favs, follows. I know I apologize after every chapter but I can't seem to update as regularly as I want! This is a longer chapter and I'm hoping that makes up for it…maybe? **

**I do not own the song in this story. It is "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" from Les Miserables and it's the one sung by Eddie Redmayne. **


	23. Chapter 23

**I own no part of SON **

I cannot believe this. I cross my arms over my chest and do my best to look as pissed as possible. Honestly, was I not perfectly clear when I said I wanted no part in whatever mess this brought upon us? Did I not specifically tell him to deal with this himself?

"You don't think she missed us do you?" Glen anxiously asks while he paces small circles around me. On his next stride in front of me I aim a kick at his shin, he dodges just in time. "No need to be such a bitch Spence, jeez."

"I hate you." I growl and release an angry huff. I scowl at as many of the travelers passing by as possible. I hate airports. It's not just that I hate airports, it's I hate that I'm here at 7am and that I was dragged away from a warm, comfortable bed. And it wasn't just any bed either, I was blissfully wrapped up in everything Ashley when Glen practically pulled me out by my hair.

"Cheer up Spencer," he gives me a sheepish smile, "Ashley will still be there when we get back. Plus you know you've missed mom and this will be really good for all three of us!"

I execute a perfect eye roll at him. He's stupid if he thinks bringing Paula out here will help with this Kyla/marriage mess. I know better than to physically bring Paula here. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother and would do anything for her but its best we live across the country from each other. I don't need all that guilt on a daily basis.

"Oh god," I whisper, "there she is…and she brought Ted."

My dear mother is scurrying across the airport with a tall, dark haired man I've only ever seen photos of.

"Wait," Glen watches with horror, "why'd she bring him? Oh my god she's going to want to stay in our apartment," he spins towards me, "you have to take them!"

"Hell no. I live in a one bedroom," I lay a hand on his shoulder, "you my dear boy have an extra bedroom. Plus I told you not to call her!" I slap him and then plaster a grin on my face.

"GLEN! SPENCER!" Paula's shrill voice hits me barely before she gathers us in her arms. I can already tell she's crying.

I manage to wiggle out of her grasp but she keeps her death grip on my twin, it brings the first real smile to my face this morning. The idiot deserves this and I will watch from a safe distance.

My enjoyment is interrupted by someone clearing their throat behind me.

I turn and look into the face of my mother's boyfriend, "Hello, I'm Ted and it's nice to finally meet you." He smiles warmly and I shake his extended hand.

"I'm Spencer," I smile and then tear Glen away from Paula, "this is Glen." The two men shake hands while I gather up Paula's dropped bags.

"Honey you look thin?" her prodding is expected, "Have you been eating right? Do you even cook yourself proper meals? Because I read in this Dr. Phil book-"

"Mom, you and Ted will be staying in Glen's guest room!" I interrupt her and throw her bags in the back of Glen's fancy car. He just scowls at me.

"Oh how lovely! I was so hoping we wouldn't have to stay in a hotel." She latches herself onto Ted's side and they climb into Glen's back seat.

"You suck Spencer."

I laugh at my twin and slide into his car, relishing in the fact that our mother will be living with him for the next few days.

X

When I walk back into my bedroom at almost noon there is an Ashley shaped lump still under the covers. The only real proof she's under there are her wild curls sticking out from the top. I know I have two choices here: I could wake her up and maybe get some kisses or go in to work like I told Marie I would.

It's a no brainer.

I carefully crawl across my bed and pull the covers down enough to see her face. I bite back a laugh because she's still completely passed out. Her mouth hangs open slightly and I can see her eyes darting behind her eyelids. I nestle into her and just listen to her breathe. She's still under the covers and my extra body heat on top of the comforter must be making her hot because she's starting to push at the covers and mumble.

Her hand shoots out and hits me right where that bitch busted my face.

"SHIT," I screech and shoot off the bed, "SON OF A BITCH. HOLY MOTHER THAT HURTS!" I can't stop my eyes from watering and now Ashley's wide eyes are starting at me from the bed.

"Oh crap Spence," she scrambles to her feet, "I am so sorry babe." There are sleep lines from the pillow all over her face and she's gazing at me through hazy eyes. I walk to her and burrow my face into her neck, tears I can't control still running down my cheeks.

"S'ok Ash," I wrap my arms around her waist, "it doesn't hurt that bad." Oh but it does hurt that bad and if I didn't know better I'd think it was bleeding again.

She drags me to the bed and we collapse into a mountain of covers, "Sorry I hit you in the eye," she kisses my forehead and I'm beginning to forget my eye hurts, "And I'm glad you're back." Another kiss is pressed to my cheek. "And you look pretty." A kiss lands on my neck and the butterflies in my stomach go into high alert, "And you smell amazing." She kisses the corner of my mouth and I forget my eye completely, pulling her closer. "And you taste so yummy." As she kisses me on the lips I laugh into her mouth.

"Yummy?" Laying on my back and looking up at her makes my heart pound. Even with traces of sleep still visible on her face she's perfect.

She grins and bites her bottom lip, "It's the best I can do right after waking up." She reaches down and brushes some hair away from my face, those pesky butterflies spring back to life.

"Sleep good?" I ask and rest my hands on her thighs after she settles into a sitting position. I'll continue to lay here thank you very much. My early morning wake-up call has zapped all my energy.

Ashley nods, "Yes! These past few nights have been amazing, like I can't believe I've actually been sleeping. And not just sleeping but _peaceful_ sleeping!"

I find it adorable how excited she's getting over getting a good night's sleep. I'm also so thankful because I've seen how torturous it's been on her going without sleep.

"So it's lunchtime Ash," I yawn and stretch, "you hungry?"

"Oh my gosh!" her eyes go wide, "I completely forgot you were picking up your mom! How'd it go? Where is she? Let's go see her!"

I put my hand up to stop Ashley's disgusting display of enthusiasm and energy. I just want food and she's ready to go take on Paula.

"Ash, can we just do food and then Paula later?" I give her my best puppy dog eyes (they aren't good), "Pleaseeeee?" I whine and tilt my head…she can never resist my head tilt.

She smiles as she rolls her beautiful eyes at me, "Fine but we're having dinner with her. I miss your mom."

"Deal!" I sit up and peck her on the lips, "So how do you feel about making me grilled cheese?"

"Depends," her voice drops an octave and sends a shiver down my spine, "what will you do for me?"

Her hands rest on my neck and lightly scratch resulting in all intelligent thought floating out of my brain.

"Uh," I clear my throat and do my best not to stare at her lips, "whatever the hell you want."

She smiles slowly and leans closer, "I can work with that." I tilt forward and right as our lips about touch she bounces off the bed, "Better get started on that sandwich." And with a wink she's gone.

I stare at the space she previously occupied with my mouth hanging wide open.

What the hell? I shake my head and head off to the kitchen.

X

"We should not be doing this at a public place."

"Oh come on Spencer, you act like none of us know how to behave like civilized people."

"Have you met everyone that is meeting us here?"

I quirk an eyebrow and signal the bartender to bring me another glass of wine. Ashley gives me one of her trademark half smiles and takes a slow drink from her glass of whiskey. I don't know what it is but seeing her drink whiskey is getting me all hot.

"I still think you're overreacting," she expresses, "everything is going to be great."

Right as I go to offer more sarcastic wit I see the train wreck that is my family roll into the restaurant. Kyla is fuming a bright shade of red, Paula is arguing with Glen, and Ted follows behind looking completely lost.

"Quick," I turn to Ashley, "they haven't seen us yet. We could leave and eat cheesecake in bed."

She gives a soft laugh and I know she thinks I'm joking…I am not in the slightest.

"Guys!" My beautiful, and sadly foolish, girlfriend waves our family members over to the bar.

"Ashley! Oh my goodness you looking amazing sweetie!" Paula starts crying again as they hug and Ashley is introduced to Ted. I quickly signal for more wine and Kayla orders herself two martinis. This is just not going to be good.

"So how was your flight?" Ashley probes my mother, "I've done that flight and it's terribly long."

"Oh we didn't have too bad a time," mom gushes over Ashley, "Ted is a gold member so we got first class tickets and had personal television monitors…"

I don't bother listening for any more of their conversation. I turn to speak to Kyla and am shocked to find Glen there instead.

"Glen," I whisper hiss, "where'd Kyla go?"

He just shrugs. He looks miserable and uncharacteristically disheveled. I really do feel bad for the guy.

"What happened before you guys got here?" I scoot closer to him and give him a sympathetic pat.

He shakes his head, "Mom brought up marriage to Kyla and then Kyla came ripping after me. All three of us were practically screaming at each other in our apartment. Ky thinks I'm unfairly dragging mom into this but that's not what I was trying to do! Everything has gotten out of hand." He drags his hand through his curls, "And you aren't safe either. Kyla thinks you are "on my side" and against her too."

Before I can respond Kyla reappears with the fakest smile ever plastered on her face and joins her sister but not before sending me a glare. What the hell did I do? I never even wanted to get involved in this.

"CARLIN PARTY OF SIX. CARLIN PARTY OF SIX."

And now it's too late to run away, plus I'm starving. The hostess guides us through a maze of elaborate tables and chairs and I trip about three times before we reach a back corner booth of the restaurant. At least if we kill each other it's away from most of the people.

We all sit down in our respective pairs. Mom settles herself next to an anxious looking Ted, Glen sits stiffly next to an icy Kyla, and I slide my tipsy self right against an, apparently, oblivious Ashley.

Paula and Ashley continue to catch up as I unabashedly stare at everyone in the booth. I've seriously never been this uncomfortable, and I took a weird art class that revolved around painting naked people. Ash leans closer to my mom and seems to be listening intently while Glen shoots nervous glances at Kyla, who is very focused on her cuticles. Ted still looks awkward.

"I'm so glad you and Spencer are back together Ashley," mom beams at us both, "I can just see how happy you make each other."

Ashley smiles sweetly at me and for a moment I feel perfect.

"Me too Paula," her hand grabs mine under the table, "Spence is great."

A soft, sarcastic laugh escapes the smaller Davies sister and all eyes snap to her.

"Kyla," Glen tries to scold her and it's an instant mistake.

"What Glen?" Kyla screeches at him, "You think your mother isn't doing this on purpose? Pointing out how freaking perfect their relationship is just to piss me off! And you are encouraging her! You are just trying to get everyone to pressure me into something I don't want!"

"Kyla honey that's n-"

"Mom," I try to interfere.

"Oh, no please let her speak Spencer," Kyla is waving her hands around like a crazy person, "I'm simply _dying_ to hear why her and Glen are trying to force me into marriage!"

I instinctively scoot closer to Ashley and her grasp tightens in mine.

"No one is trying to force you into anything," Glen's voice is dangerously soft, "I never asked my mom to talk to you about marriage. All I've wanted this entire fucking time is for you to at least listen to what I've been saying. Yet you constantly reject it and throw up this wall of ignorance. Stop acting like such a selfish bitch and just consider my feelings, what I want!" His soft voice ends in a yell and I see on Kyla's face that a line was just crossed.

Tears I know she hates fall down Kyla's face before she's on her feet and gone.

"Glen," Ashley finally speaks and her tone isn't friendly, "too far." She takes off after her sister and I'm torn between going and staying. I'm stuck in some weird, horrible loyalty limbo. At this point I don't even know who is in the right and who is in the wrong. And I don't feel like sorting it out tonight.

I look at Glen and he's practically shaking, from being angry or sad I'm not sure.

"Sweetheart," Paula tries to grab his arm but he yanks it away.

"Not now Mom." He tells her and then he too disappears.

I can see she's upset but I'm unsure of how to comfort her. Knowing her she's going to try to pretend like none of this bothered her, that it wasn't that big of a deal but it was. Something shifted tonight; I've never heard Glen talk like that to Kyla before. All he's ever done is fawn all over her and adore her. I'm just as upset and scared as Paula.

"Come on Paula," Ted pulls her to her feet, "let's go walk it off." And in that moment I am infinitely grateful for the man. I nod at them both and wait to pay for the drinks we all had. We never even got food.

"Oh did the rest of your party depart?" Our waiter interrupts my thoughts and I smile sheepishly at him.

"I'm so sorry there was an emergency," I apologize. He's sweet to act like the whole restaurant didn't see our fireworks. I hand him my credit card and check my phone. There's a text from Ashley.

**With Kyla at Mickey's. Meet you at your place soon as I can. I love you. **

I get the sense that she feels it too…the shift, the change. I respond with an 'I love you too' and slip my phone into my purse. I almost feel guilty because here all these bad things happened yet all I can think about is how grateful I am for Ashley.

It takes me twenty minutes to get home and I am basically sick with hunger.

"Shit," I mutter as I fumble with my lock, "piece of shit lock on this piece of shit door in this piece of shit apartment building." Ok maybe I'm just cranky because I'm hungry, honestly this apartment building is lovely.

"Burger?"

I whirl around from locking back up and I'm met with the sight of Ashley holding out a brown bag with grease stains all over it. It smells heavenly. Her standing there with greasy food almost makes me weep.

"You are a saint Ashley Davies." I say before tearing into the bag and stuffing the burger in my mouth. I groan, it is the best thing I've ever tasted. Seriously where did she get this? I rip off another bite and stuff some fries in my mouth at the same time.

"Gross Spence," Ashley giggles from across the counter and takes a fry from the bag.

I smile and swallow the food down, "Sorry, I was way hungry before we even got to the restaurant and then everything blew up. Shit I can't believe that all went down. Where's Ky?"

Now that I have some food in my belly I can think straight. I can't imagine Kyla actually went back to her own apartment because I know that's where Glen took off to.

"My place," Ashley nods towards her apartment and rubs her eyes, "I don't know what to do with her. She's hurt but I mean she deserves some of it but not how he said it. They are both stupid."

"Oh completely," I agree, "let's just stay neutral. I'm on your side and you're on mine. I love them but they are both being ridiculous!" I finish off the last bite and I'm uncomfortably full, it makes me instantly sleepy but I want to stay awake. I want to be with Ashley, hear her talk and watch her smile.

"What do I have something in my teeth?" she asks worriedly and I realize I've been just staring at her, probably with some goofy ass smile on my face.

"No," I chuckle, "I was just basking in your presence that's all. It's still so unbelievable to me that you're here…with me." I shake my head in disbelief and push the fear of her disappearing away.

"There is no where I'd rather be," she grabs my hand across the counter, "couch snuggle?"

I seat myself next to Ashley and rest my head against her shoulder. We sit in silence and my finger draws random patterns on her jean clad thigh. She's humming again and this time it's a tune I don't recognize. I've noticed that she does that, the humming, without even realizing it. I've come to love her humming.

"Have I told you how much I love you today?" I ask her and the humming stops.

Even without looking at her, I can hear her smile, "Not today."

"I love you so much Ashley." I wrap my arms around her and squeeze, something about hugging her makes me feel so good.

A feather of a kiss is pressed to the top of my head, "I love you too Spence. How on Earth are we going to survive our siblings?"

"Ash," I chuckle, "we've survived so much worse. Hello, we dealt with Madison in high school!"

She gives a hearty laugh, "Very true. I always kind of thought maybe she had a crush on you."

"What?" I don't mean to squeal but I do. I wriggle myself upright so I can see Ashley's face, "No way."

She nods enthusiastically, "For real. I mean it kinda seemed like she was constantly checking you out and she was way jealous of us."

I scoff, "I just don't believe it."

"Yeah," she sighs, "but it's fun to imagine she became the thing she was so afraid of."

"Looking back I feel sorry for her," I tuck a curl behind Ashley's ear, "I feel sorry for all of the people who were cruel to us."

"Why?" she asks and there is no hint of malice or disgust in her voice. The younger version of her would have been full of rage about those people.

"Them hating us meant they never knew love like we did," I press a kiss to her lips, "I got to be in love with my best friend." I whisper and do my best to hide the ridiculous yawn that escapes me. Crap now she's going to make me go to sleep.

"D-do you think," she releases a shaky breath and her voice is so small, "we'll always be friends?"

And now I'm wide awake.

"Of course Ash," I frown, "why wouldn't we be?"

"It's not that I think we won't," her hand slips into mine, "it's just that I think our siblings stopped being friends and that's what is ruining them right now. They forgot how to be friends. And I don't ever want to stop being friends with you."

I take a few moments to digest what she's just revealed. I can't imagine not being friends with her. It was damn near killed me not being around her those months we weren't seeing each other. And it wasn't that we weren't dating, it was I missed my best friend…the love of your life and your soulmate can be two completely different people.

"Ash, I'll always be your best friend," I grin, "and I will always be in love with you as well."

As for me…my soulmate is the love of my life. Her delighted laughter rings through my apartment and I am infinitely happy.

**Thanks for the love **


	24. Chapter 24

I own no part of SON

_One week later…_

"I just don't understand why you are so mad."

"Uh maybe because you were so late to the dinner that you practically missed it!"

"I sent you a text."

"And your text said you'd be a little late…YOU WERE MORE THAN A LITTLE LATE!"

"Don't yell at me. I had to take care of Kyla."

"No, no you didn't. She's moping around about a relationship _she_ messed up. And she's a big girl, she can take care of herself for one freaking evening."

I don't mean to lose it but I've had it. I can't contain how pissed I am at Ashley. There's this anger bubbling through my entire body and I'm shaking in my kitchen, practically screaming at the woman I love.

She scowls at me, "We promised we wouldn't take sides and here you are clearing shoving all the blame on Ky."

"Oh and you don't completely blame Glen?" I scoff before raising my voice again, "And that's not even the point! You knew how much this dinner meant to me. I have been so excited all week and you _knew_ I wanted you there. And why couldn't you be there? Because your whiny, needy sister called you."

I'm seeing red. And I'm waving my arms around like a crazy person, I've gone crazy.

"Spencer," she's giving me big, sad eyes, "don't get so angry."

"Don't look at me like that," I snap, "and don't tell me what to do! I was being honored tonight and my date missed basically all of it. I wanted to share this with one person, YOU." I turn away from her because it's making me too damn mad to look at her big remorseful eyes.

"How can I make this better Spence?" Her voice is so soft and she sounds so sorry but she hasn't even said the words.

"Just go home Ashley." I walk to my room and shut the door, hoping she'll just leave. My head is pounding and I'm exhausted, I fall back onto my bed. It's emotionally and physically draining to be this mad at her. It would be so much easier to just let it go but…the gallery threw this big dinner in my honor and I've been so excited.

Lately things have just been a little tense while we tip-toe around our siblings but we were managing and tonight was supposed to be a break from them, from their drama. Instead she substitutes a night of us for a night of her sister's bullshit.

I just wanted her there, with me.

There are soft footsteps outside my door and if I wasn't listening for them I would have missed the whisper of her presence.

"Spence, I'm so sorry. Ok?" there's a long pause and I'm staring at the door so hard that I'm surprised lasers haven't shot out of my eyes, "I should've been there with you, I know that. I don't know why I went to Kyla and I don't have any explanation for you…" I hear her sigh and I can almost see her with her forehead pressed against my door and a worried frown on her beautiful face.

I get up and stand in front of my door. Two choices are right in front of me and I can see where both might end up, where this squabble could start the slow decay of our relationship. I can see how this one unresolved fight could be used as ammunition over and over. I can see harsh words and angry tears and regrets and loneliness and heartache. I can see it all ending and us both finding other people. I can see myself living out my days without Ashley. I can imagine yearning for her years after we are no longer together and now I'm having trouble breathing.

The door is almost ripped off the hinges by my panicked grasp and I blindly bump right into a frozen Ashley. Her quick reflexes keep us from toppling to the ground.

"Ok?" Her dark eyes are scanning my, what must be crazed, face. Her hands have a tight grasp on my arms.

"So this time you screwed up. Next time, and probably the time after that, it'll be me. And you'll be pissed and I'll grovel and you'll forgive me and we'll do this dance forever. Deal?"

My apartment bursts into light when she grins back at me and if she wasn't already holding me up I'd have fallen down from my knees buckling.

"So you're done being mad?" Her face is so close to mine that I'm having trouble breathing or thinking.

I nod and try to regain focus, "Yeah, I mean I can't think properly with you this close." Great Spence, just throw yourself under the bus...it's totally fine to just blurt out every thought and feeling, idiot.

"You know," she smiles warmly and backs us up against the wall, "you aren't the only one having troubles functioning when we are this close to each other."

I give a weird, awkward chuckle and she quirks an eyebrow at me. It always takes me by surprise that she is just as attracted to me as I am to her.

Her hands run up my arms and a trail of fire erupts where she's touched me.

"I hate fighting with you," I mumble and wrap a finger around one of her curls, "it scares me."

She nods , "Reminds me of high school and that last fight we had. Do you remember that?"

"At the pool party…" I can feel myself glaze over and drift into the memories of high school. I can almost smell the chlorine from the Davies' pool and I can practically hear our friends' laughter. I can almost still feel the gut wrenching pain of fighting with Ashley up in her bedroom. It's a pain I buried long ago.

When I look back into Ashley's dark eyes they too are clouded over by the past. She's not even remotely paying attention; I can't help but lean forward and give her a quick peck. She jolts back to the present with a smile on her face.

"I am so glad we aren't 18 anymore," she says with an eye-roll, it's adorable.

I give an enthusiastic nod, "Teenagers suck."

She grins and leans forward. YES, kisses!

*RINGGGGGG*

Ew her ringtone is the actual sound of a phone ringing…who does that anymore?

"Sorry," she cringes and picks up her phone, "hello? Yes this is her. No sir…yes, yes of course sir. When? Mhmm, right. I understand sir….no no no, thank you sir. You too sir."

I've backed away and am leaning against the kitchen counter while she talks, well talks and paces. I love watching her move. Even though she's been physically broken she still moves with such grace. As she hangs up I shake myself back into focus. I'm trying not to panic because she was obviously talking to someone from the army.

"W-who was that Ash?" my voice shakes and I choke down the fear. I'm always afraid they are going to call her away from me.

She shakes her head and lets out a long breath, "That was General Evans, he's uh stationed in Houston. He wants me to come speak to the troops there. Like do a motivational thing." A slow grin spreads across her face and I almost puke with relief.

I set my shaky hands on the counter and smile back at her, "That's great. So you go there then?" she nods, "When do you leave and for how long?"

A slight frown replaces her grin, "I leave in the morning and it's a two week thing."

"What?!" I don't mean to be so upset but two weeks and tomorrow? I try to pull my face and emotions back to a happy place but I'm pretty sure I'm failing horribly.

"Spence," she's got sympathy written all over her face as she rushes to me, "I know it kind of sucks but think of the good I can do? I'm just having trouble with the idea that they want me there." Her gaze drops to the floor and her hands fiddle with the hem of my shirt.

"How is it that you can't see it?" I ask and run my hands up her arms. It stuns me that she doesn't understand what everybody else sees in her. She's a hero, a survivor.

A battle of emotions plays out on her face, "I hate being an insecure idiot but I can't help but feel like I don't deserve the praise I receive. I mean I got captured and then rescued and everyone insists I'm some big hero. "

"Stop," I grab her face with both hands, "you are amazing. You went through Hell and back, only to survive it all. You don't have to save the world to be a hero. You're my hero," she starts to shake her head, "I mean it, you are. You almost shot Jill for me when you thought she was a robber, you were ready to kill Aiden, and you broke the nose of an ex-UFC fighter."

This gets her to laugh softly and shake her head. She pulls me into a tight hug and I gladly wrap my arms around her.

"I love you Spence."

"I kind of like you too."

"You're an ass."

I place a gentle kiss on her cheek and let out a long sigh, "This is going to be the longest two weeks ever."

A frown settles on her face, "Maybe I should call back and say I can't go."

I step back and push myself onto the countertop, "No, you're going. This is going to be so good for you. Yes, it'll suck for us but it'll be worth it."

"You are being bossy tonight."

"Oh god, you're right," and then I realize something, "oh my god, I'm my mother." I groan and cover my face with my hands. It doesn't help any that Ashley is laughing so hard she's crying.

"You are," she manages between laughs, "you really are."

I throw a towel at her, "You are the worst."

She grins and walks to me, resting her hands on my legs, "I should go pack."

All the smiles and laughter disappear, my heart sinks.

"I guess you should," I reach out and tuck a curl behind her ear, "I can't go with you to the airport. Ashley, I wouldn't be able to let you get on that plane."

She tilts her head adorably, "Why not?"

"The last time I put you on a plane you died."

I hate that a few tears escape and I quickly wipe them away, wishing I could be stronger.

"Oh Spencer," she grabs my hands, "it'll be ok. Look at the last time I left, not even death could keep me from you."

This just makes me cry harder and a sob escapes as I slide down into her embrace.

"I wish I could keep it together." I keep crying into her shoulder.

"I like that you need me," she whispers.

After a few more minutes of hugging and soft kisses and whispered goodbyes, Ashley retreats to her apartment. We agreed Kyla should take her to the airport but she promised to let me know once she landed safe and sound.

Now I'm lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling and I cannot fall asleep. Horrible scenario after horrible scenario is playing out in my head. Boom, her plane crashes. Boom, the base is attacked. Boom, she falls in love with some random soldier.

I groan and sit up, my heart pounding against my ribs.

This is completely irrational. She loves me, I love her, nothing bad is going to happen. I run a hand through my hair and my mind is made up before I can untangle my fingers.

My knuckles rap softly against her door, "Ash?" I call, as I gently push my way into her apartment.

It's dim and it takes my eyes a few seconds to adjust. The first thing I notice, as I glide through the sparse apartment, is Kyla passed out on Ashley's shiny new sofa. The small Davies is curled into a ball and her mouth is hanging wide open, drool pooling onto her pillow. Even though I'm a little mad at her, I smile.

Her apartment is still barren, the brand new couch her sister occupies is the only real furniture. I make a mental note to remind Ashley about the joys of home decorating. There is a glow coming from Ashley's bedroom but I'm not prepared for what I find.

Ashley is passed out with half her body resting in her suitcase. There are cloths thrown everywhere and two different army uniforms hanging on her door frame. Soft snores escape her perfect mouth and the cuteness overload almost kills me…but she's bent funny and looks wildly uncomfortable. I gently shift her off the suitcase and straighten her body out, she doesn't flinch. I set the luggage on the floor and make sure her alarm is set for the morning. She starts mumbling in her sleep and the only word I catch is my name.

It makes my heart soar. She dreams of me. All the doubt fades away and I press a gentle kiss to her temple.

"Goodnight Ash."

I throw a blanket over her and then go to the living room to throw a blanket over Kyla. Her snores are not quite as soft…or adorable. I scribble a quick note for Ashley.

_Come wake me up before you leave. I love you. _

I sigh before I lock the door and disappear into my own apartment. I toss and turn until I pass out, my thoughts focused squarely on a brunette across the hall.


	25. Chapter 25

**I own no part of SON **

I'm up before the sun, fighting with my coffee machine, and doing my best not to lose my mind.

"Freaking piece of shit coffee maker," I grumble and shake the whole contraption before it sputters to life. It's only two weeks, there is nothing to be this worried about. But memories keep flooding my mind of the last time she left. I almost lost her for good.

I shake it off and fill my coffee cup. Right as I go to take my first sip there is a soft knock at my door; I almost drop the mug.

"Come in."

A person I hardly recognize slips into my apartment. Ashley is wearing this all white uniform with four little medals pinned on it and there's a hat tucked under her arm. Gone are the unruly curls I love and her hair is straight and pulled back.

"Hi," she gives me a small smile and I'm having trouble coming up with words.

"You," my mind searches for ways to describe her, "you look," I release a breath, "incredible."

And she really does. She looks every bit of the dedicated soldier but that nose crinkling grin escapes and I can see my Ashley shining through.

"I forgot you've never seen me in my official get up," she frowns, "judging by the look on your face you don't like it." Then she makes it even more difficult for me to think straight by throwing me a wink. Dear god.

"Right," I manage to find my voice, "when I say 'incredible' what I mean is you should change because…you look gross."

She grins in reply and settles on to a kitchen stool.

"Coffee?" I slide an already full mug to her and watch her take a slow sip. Her bright uniform seems out of place in my messy apartment and all I want are those wild curls. I sit in the stool next to her and grab her free hand.

We sit in silence and I keep my gaze focused on our joined hands. I don't know how much time passes before I hear a soft knock on my door.

A tentative Kyla pokes her head in my apartment, "Ash, it's time." She slips back out without another word.

"Well I gu_" before I can even finish my sentence her mouth is on mine. The kiss is slow and deep and her hands are in my hair and I can't breathe.

We break apart and I already miss everything about her.

"Goodbye, Spence," she whispers, "I'll call you when I can. I love you."

"I love you too." I manage and then she's gone.

I spend longer than I care to admit staring at the door, hoping she'll waltz back into my apartment. My coffee cup is full of lukewarm, brown liquid and the door hasn't moved, my phone hasn't rung. It's been, I shoot a glance at the clock, two hours since Ashley walked out of my apartment.

I have to get out of here. I make the fifteen minute trek to the gallery and let myself in. Of course no one is there, it's too early. The darkened gallery offers no comfort but I'm hoping it can distract me. I start in on the disorganized stack of paper on my small corner desk.

An hour drags by and I'm doing my very best to keep my eyes off the clock. It has become a game for myself, see how much self control I really have. Turns out, I don't have much.

The young receptionist comes in and barely acknowledges me. She thinks she is fast tracked to a brilliant career in art. She's an imbecile.

Marie breezes by, chattering away on her cell phone. She only pauses by my desk to drop another stack of papers in front of me. I bite back a growl.

Right as I'm bubble wrapping a delicate statue my phone buzzes. I almost drop the $23,000 statue in my blind rush to answer.

"Ashley."

"Spencer." I can hear her smile over the phone and I have to blink back tears. Keep it together woman, she hasn't even been gone a day.

"Everything going ok?"

She releases a sigh into the phone, "I hate traveling. The airport food is so expensive and everyone smells kind of bad. Stale, everyone smells stale." I can hear her chewing on something and I can just picture her, sitting on some stool and watching everyone with dark, curious eyes.

"Cut them some slack, Ash. People sweat like crazy on airplanes. In fact that's the person you'll probably be stuck to on the plane. A giant sweater," I grin, "who smells like pickles."

"Ewww Spencer!" She squeals into the phone and her giggles echo in my head. I grip the phone tighter and steady myself against my desk. "Please tell me you're not stewing in the apartment?"

"Please," I scoff, "I have wasted no time going out and finding myself a sweet slice for while you're gone." Good, good Spence, keep it light. Don't lose your cool.

She laughs, "As long as she's hot."

"She's ok, nowhere near as good looking as this army girl I am seeing."

"God, Spence," she sighs, "am I pathetic for missing you so much already?"

And just like that I lose my grip, "No," I choke out, "not at all, Ash."

We sit in silence for a few beats and I swear I can almost feel her next to me. I can almost smell her perfume and I can almost feel a breath of a kiss on my cheek.

Indistinct intercom noise from her end breaks my trance and apparently hers too.

"I should get to my gate." She sighs and I can tell she's as frustrated as I am.

I do my best to put on my happy voice, "Yeah, of course. Have a safe flight Ash."

"Ok, I'll let you know when I'm there," she sniffles and I know she hates that she's showing weakness, "Love you Spence."

"Love you too."

And suddenly I'm left with silence. I bite back my tears, knowing that if I let them fall they won't stop. I rub my eyes once, then grab the statue and wrappings to finish the task I started earlier.

Countless piles of paperwork and several hours later I glance up only to notice it is dark out, I'm the only one left in the small studio. Did my co-workers even say goodbye to me? Probably, I must not have noticed. I'm trying so hard not to think about Ash that I've lost track of everything.

I rub my eyes and lean back in my chair, the thought of a cold beer bringing a smile to my face. Wait, it's dark and Ashley should've got a hold of me by now. Panicked I shuffle through all the papers on my desk to try and find my phone. Somewhere between the expense reports and shipping receipts I find it. Three missed calls. Two from Ashley and one from Glen. There's a voicemail from Ashley telling me she landed and she loves me, she'll call tomorrow. There isn't a message from Glen.

It takes me five minutes to shut down my computer and lock up. I stop at my local late night market to grab a fresh case of beer before trudging home. Knowing Ashley won't be at the apartment to greet me makes it hard to walk the stairs and open the door. It's dark in my apartment, all the usual activity of Ashley gone. There is no radio playing, no novel on my couch, no pasta boiling on the stove. I leave the lights off and head for the shower.

Per usual I take my time in the shower. The water is hot and my knotted muscles slowly relax. I do my best to think of anything but Ashley. I go over the reports I filled out, then spend some time thinking about when I should visit my mother, wondering how Glen's doing, finally landing on Ashley. I know this trip is going to be good for her. She has so much to give and I know she misses being around other soldiers.

As I'm grabbing my first beer from the fridge there's a sharp knock on my door. Even though I know it can't be her, I'm hoping it's Ashley. My hopes are dashed when it turns out to be Glen.

"I left her."

There are tears in his eyes and a duffle at his feet.

"Come on," I sigh, "Lemme grab the tequila." I rummage around under the sink until I find it, a dusty bottle of Patron.

My twin sits at the counter and stares at the surface with empty eyes. He looks so lost, so old. Glen downs two shots before looking at me.

"I just can't do it anymore," he's trying not to cry, "I can't be with someone who doesn't want the same things I want. I can't imagine not having kids or being married."

I don't say anything, I just pour him another shot.

He slams it back, "I can't be with her but I can't breathe without her."

His words cut through me. I know how he feels.

"Glen," I pause. There are no words that could possibly make him feel better. I know how much he loves Kyla, how much he needs her, "I'm so sorry." And those words seem so inadequate, so much less than he needs.

He nods and motions for another shot. I grab a beer for him instead. He doesn't need to get so drunk he does something he regrets.

We sit in silence for several minutes, the only sound the occasional clanking from our beer bottles hitting the counter.

"You miss Ash yet?" He gives me a sarcastic half smile.

I scoff, "No way."

"I don't believe you."

"It's only been one day." I try to keep the desperation out of my voice, it doesn't work.

His sad smile makes me wince, "When you love someone that much it doesn't matter if it's been one day or three years." I feel guilty for talking about my relationship when his just collapsed.

"Glen, we can talk about something different," I grab his hand and give it a squeeze.

He shakes his head, "No, you're happy and you're finally with Ash. I want you to feel like you can talk to me about it."

I believe him, he wouldn't lie to me…well not about this and his face is sincere.

"Ok," I nod, "two weeks is going to kill me. And it's things like just having her next to me while I sleep. Like I'm afraid to go to sleep tonight. Weird right?"

And right after I've said it I realize he knows exactly what I'm feeling. We're different sides of the same coin.

There won't be sleep for either of us tonight.

**Ehhh boy. Can any of you forgive me? This absence can be explained…I swear! I moved to a whole new state again. My life is a mess. Thank you to everybody still reading, still reviewing. Want to see something happen? Tell me! I'll include your ideas and thoughts! xoxo**


End file.
